Tomorrow, employers across Australia will be hosting dignified luncheons to celebrate the Melbourne Cup, one of Australia's most famous sporting events. Normally, employees are permitted to have a few drinks to go with their strawberries & cream.
Frank McEvoy, 41, holds the unenviable title of the office drunk at his job in Perth's CBD. McEvoy relishes any opportunity to rapidly consume drinks at the various staff functions. Once intoxicated, he is known to drunkenly leer at the female staff, spit when he talks and normally ends up with a reasonable amount of piss on his trousers from his atrocious aiming.
The Bell Tower Times never misses an opportunity to delve into the mind of an office piss-head, so we contacted McEvoy and asked him what was special about the Melbourne Cup luncheon:
"Melbourne Cup is really important. It is the first office function since the end of financial year party, where free drinks are put on for staff members. Last year I drank 8 beers in the one hour event and then went off to the pub during my lunch break It was amazing, I think i consumed about 14 beers from 11am - 2pm. A fair effort on a Tuesday ay?"Other coworkers were not as gracious about McEvoy's alcoholic behavior, we spoke to the reception who told us:
"One word. Gross. He gets all the beer foam caught in his dirty facial hair and sooo much slag builds up in the corner of his mouth. It is pretty obvious that he uses the Melbourne Cup luncheon to gauge just how far he can go, in terms of drinking on the job.
He likes footy metaphors, he once told me that Melbourne Cup was like the derby and the office Christmas party was the "grand final"... I just hope he doesn't try to look down my top again".Bizarrely, McEvoy beleives that his behavior goes under the radar. Little does he know, some of his coworkers have been taking bets on the exact time McEvoy's wife will storm into the office, blast him for his alcoholism and threaten to take the kids to her mothers house for the night. Last year, the time was 2:50pm.
McEvoy, you are a mess sir.
I'm pretty sure I've seen Frank spewing his guts up outside Metropolis in Fremantle directly under the 'Please Don;t Vomit on the Footpath' sign, after an evening of showing The Kids how to get Down and Funky.
ReplyDeleteI too believe I may have seen Frank doing a spot of kerb-crawling around Highgate.
ReplyDeleteI work with Frank and his antics at Melbourne cup day are legendary. Unfortunately I can not report what he did today as he hasn't been seen since he left to go to the pub at lunchtime with newly separated receptionist shouting "Ive backed a winner on this filly"
ReplyDeleteHe's such a scamp!
ReplyDeleteAllegedly he was mentored by Troy Buswell.
ReplyDeleteEven though live music doesn't have the benefit of thousands of hours of production and tweaking... although you'll hear the occasional squeal or miss, and it might be a little faster or slower than you remember...
ReplyDeleteoffice Christmas party Melbourne