Rockingham to Build Giant UFC Octagon Cage in Night District

25 November 2013, 11:20am

Roc City is a city of contrasts. On the one hand, you have beautiful beaches, adventure sports and penguins. On the other hand, you have a flourishing community of Perth's most committed bogans, deros and dropkicks.

At night, the streets of Roc City can erupt into vicious brawls, violent assaults and an array of chest thumping and aggressive pointing. Many of the local dropkicks battle it out for the title of the "King of the Jungle", basically, a title awarded to the Roc City resident who causes the most mayhem and destruction on a weekend night.

In a bold plan to combat the thuggery in Roc City a group of residents have begun lobbying the City of Rockingham, for permission to build a massive UFC-style Octagon Cage off the main strip. In this cage, aggressive residents can settle their differences without being a threat to the public.

It is believed by the residents that each night, the biggest and baddest of Roc City would be drawn to the massive free-for-all cage, to watch the local tough guys battle it out. The cities pubs and bars would therefore be free of the menacing types that have tarnished Roc City's name.

An additional benefit of the cage, is that the padded floor would significantly reduce one-punch fatalities, which have become the scourge of Western Australian media for the previous 5 years.

Other resident's fear that the cage will encourage young men to settle their differences with violence rather than by peaceful means. We spoke to Lex Kingsley, the head lobbyist about the critics of his plan:

"Look. Ever heard the story of the scorpion and the frog? A scorpion asked a frog for a lift across the river and the frog said, fuck no, you will just sting me. The scorpion said, nah mate, then we will both drown. Anyway, the frog takes the scorpion across the river and halfway across, the scorpion plunges his stinger into the frogs dick, the frog asked why, and the scorpion told him, I stung you because I'm a flaming scorpion ya gallah!. Moral of the story? - These animals will fight no matter what, lets just separate em from the public and keep Rocko safe for the average punters".

Lex may just have a point. Lets save the metaphorical sting from our metaphorical dicks.