The Human Zoo - Mr Whipped

A 7:30am alarm sends couples-shivers down Chantelle’s spine. She looks longingly into William’s eyes while running her hand down his chest, “wouldn't a snuggle and some shopping be better than golf, babe?" He reaches for his phone: "cant make it guys frown emoticon". He knows his mates will be pissed off but he is a Mr Whippy’s soft-serve cunt that cant handle the separation anxiety of being away from his beloved girlfriend for a whopping 4 hours.

William signs onto their joint Facebook page - "William & Chantelle <3". Hands held, they update their status together - "Going shopping :P". The loved up pair walk around Garden City and decide that they would both like a skinny soy latte with half a packet of equal. They sit at the cafe and discuss the joint bucks/hens night they are planning. “This will be so much more meaningful than getting drunk with your yahoo mates and ogling skanks, right babe?” William nods and kisses Chantelle on the forehead, “so lucky to have you babe”.

If being a spineless soft-cock was a crime than William would be up in front of the Hague for crimes against cunt-manity. William spends the remainder of his Sunday morning following his missus around the Subiaco Markets and discussing their “meal plan” for the week. On the car ride home, William nervously musters up the courage to ask Chantelle for permission to attend his mates poker night. “Oh, um OK, I thought we were going to catch up on American Horror Story, but fine, do what you want hey”. Finally, William’s balls come back from their little getaway at Lake jelly-dick and he puts his foot down, “babe, I am going, and thats final!”

William arrives 30 minutes late to the Poker night. His face is frostbitten from the extreme exposure to the icy-shoulder he received from his scorned lover. During the game he seems vexed and disappears into another room to make a phone call. 45 minutes later Chantelle rocks up with a large loaf of bread hollowed out with dip inside. "Surprise guys, Chantelle's here!" His best mate shoots him a stare that can only be likened to Mike Whitney stink-eyeing a loser who didn’t dare to win.

By 8:45pm, William can no longer ignore the mega-bitch vibes he is copping from his bored girlfriend. “Alright guys, it’s getting late, and I’m taking the missus down to Mandurah tomorrow”. His mates grunt in acknowledgement. Thommo finally cracks it, and knocks the bread to the ground, “you are so fucking whipped, such a joke, mate”.

William looks over at Chantelle who is scowling like Germaine Greer at a FHM sponsored jelly-wrestling competition. He responds, “sif I am mate, you guys are just jealous because you all drunk and single!” The pair storm out and complain bitterly about his friend’s immaturity on the ride home.

A typical couple of his&her-cunts.