Ms Selfie Stick

Yolanda sits around her parents living room playing with her most treasured Christmas gift: the GoPole selfie stick. Finally, she has an apparatus that will negate the literal limitations of her own arm in the pursuit of taking endless selfies of her totes YOLO life.

She now laughs at the pathetic single-shot selfies of the arm-extending uninitiated: she uses a GoPro to get hours of footage of her walking around so that she can screen-grab the finest shots of her perky little face. Ask anyone on her Instagram account: her selfies are always on point. She would win a Nobel prize in the field, if they awarded one for being a self-absorbed photo-cunt.

As luck would have it, Yolanda has been invited to the T20 game at the Furnace. First of all, she gets her outfit sorted: a Perth Scorchers t-shirt tied up to reveal her belly-button pierced midriff and then slaps on a sombrero: the official hat of the half-hearted cricket fan. She squeezes into her denim short-shorts that don’t leave much to the imagination. Well, thats not true, her father imagines a parallel universe where he didn’t have to stare down every seedy bloke that wants to get an early harvest peek of his daughters ripe peachy offerings.

Yolanda jumps around the house and records some GoPro selfie-stick footage of her getting ready for the game. She uploads a video to Instagram, #GetScorched #CricketBish #HotInTheFurnance #Sombrero.

At the game, "I Dont Care I Love It" plays for the eight time and Yolanda successfully pisses everyone in her immediate vicinity off. Her total lack of attention to the actual game can be attributed to her infuriating need to position her selfie stick to take footage of everything from her Chicken Treat microwaved slop-roll (#FatPig #ChickenTreat) to her glass of cheap white wine (#Memories #Vino #DrunkAgain).

Yolanda’s obliviousness almost comes to a surreal end when a 6 comes her way. “HEADS”, the ball lands within metres of Yolanda. She quickly swivels her stick to capture the ball and her best “shocked face”. She uploads the selfie immediately, “Almost hit by a Six! #GetScorched #iDontLikeCricket #OhNo #iLoveit”. Ahhhhh fuck off Yolanda.

Yolanda jumps in a taxi after the game and spends the entire 15 minute journey refreshing her Instagram account. A physical embodiment of an Aqua di Gio bottle comments on her cricket selfie, “love chicks that love cricket babe”. She replies with the official response of the YOLO Bish, “:P xxx”.

She spends the remainder of her night ignoring SnapChats from the greaseball and trawling through the 4 hours of footage she took from the night. She creates a shortlist of selfies for her Album, “I Love Cricket”. She has 345 screen snaps in the shortlist but is having a literally hard time deciding which ones should make the cut. Poor Yolanda: it’s really hard to live up to her Carpe Diem ankle tat when she is clocking her 3rd hour in front of her MacBook trying to decide which selfies to upload.

She has no choice but to upload them all. The human Aqua di Gio bottle licks his lips with anticipation. He thanks the gods of the selfie stick for inventing a device to significantly aid his revered hobby of beating his dick to selfies of babes.