The Human Zoo - The P Plater

To Tyler, his newly acquired Nissan Skyline is the hottest car on the road and he’s going to light that bitch up like a Tibetan monk protesting high fuel prices.

To live out his fast and the furious fantasy he had to cop a hefty loan. The onerous repayments clashed against his McWage and insurance was a luxury he had to skip. What would possibly go wrong ay?

Well, loads of shit because when it comes to driving Tyler is about as experienced as a Freo Docker at a cup polishing competition. He forgets blind spots, brakes rapidly and most importantly he doesn’t double clutch like he should.

Now is not the time to think about theoretical disaster, because as soon as he pulls out of the dealership he almost caused a very real disaster. He failed to see one of those pesky, inconspicuous busses that the driving schools warn you about. “Fucking watch it!” He arrogantly squeaks.

For the next half hour, he rides so far up peoples arses that you’d think he was on a first date with a Mandurah girl. The only thing that stinks worse than his bravado is the burnt rubber every time he has to slam on the brakes to avoid making his bonnet look like a pug's face.

At the 45 minute mark, he has hit the main road and decides to start swerving in and out of lanes like a drunk backstroker. To a shit driver, there really is no better feeling than erratically changing lanes every 5 seconds to end up at the same set of lights as everyone else in 50m - winning.

Still, everyone else is wrong and Tyler is right, because he has 50 hours of supervised driving experience and has a poster of Paul Walker in his bedroom. He exits the main road and enters a suburban driftopia of wide streets and quiet traffic.

At the one hour mark, he spots an Asian girl walking home and if his weekly Fast and the Furious marathons have taught him anything, it’s that Asian chicks love drifters.

He plans his peacockery and figures that if he comes around the corner again sideways he will have her undies so monsoonal that the UN will need to send aid.

He takes the corner at pace, jerks his wheel and hits the gas to attempts and straighten up. It is at this exact moment he realises he has absolutely no idea how to pull off this driving manoeuvre and loses control like Nollsy at a regional NSW gig. 

He manages to mount a kerb, pop a couple of tyres, take out some wheelie bins and fuck his wheel alignment right up. Good effort Tyler, the road to being uninsurable starts with a single act of vehicular fuckery.