SERCO Hire Chris "Mind Freak" Angel To Advise on Escapes

24 January 2014, 7:30am

In a desperate effort to claw back the trust of the Australian Government and the general public, SERCO has hired celebrity magician and escape artist, Chris Angel, to help train their staff to help prevent future escapes.

SERCO have proven themselves as secure as an old boys sphincter muscle after a cup of coffee in previous months. SERCO has made headlines after been embroiled in two high profile cases of dangerous criminals escaping custody in predictable and preventable circumstances.

As a result of SERCO's bumbling efforts, the Australian public are demanding answers and live in fear of dangerous criminals escaping from custody and continuing to commit vile offences such as rape, murder and driving over the speed limit.

Chris Angel will present a series of half day training courses to SERCO staff that will allegedly cover how an inmate may:

1. escape their shackles while being slowly lowered into a tank of Cobras.
2. survive a tazer blast to the chest while simultaneously levitating.
3. bamboozle a guard by correctly identifying which playing card they chose from a pack.
4. reach through a sold glass window and open a locked security door.
5. replace the officers weapons in front of their eyes with comical objects such as dildos and fruit.
6. utilise smoke bombs and dramatic music.

SERCO is confident that Chris Angel's seminars will greatly assist their staff in preventing escapes. The Bell Tower Times contacted SERCO and queried whether it would be simpler to just tell their staff to not leave dangerous inmates unguarded and/or use appropriate secured vehicles, they replied:

"Those were isolated incidents. We are really more concerned with an inmate bending the prison bars with the power of his mind and then escaping into the night. SERCO will remain vigilant against any mind freakery that inmates are utilising to escape custody. There is no need to upgrade security equipment of train our staff better, if we can prevent mind freak techniques".

Chris Angel is rumoured to be conducting the seminars pro bono as he is deeply concerned with the startling correlation between violent offenders and advanced magician techniques.

You have our full trust SERCO.