Qantas Forced to Re-think "Rip Off Aussies" Business Model

27 February 2014, 10:00am

Qantas CEO, Alan Joyce, announced today that Qantas would be axing 5000 jobs and selling aircraft to claw back a massive $252 Million dollar half year loss.

The sniveling Irish twat went on to blame fuel prices and increased competition from budget airlines as the catalyst for he massive fuck-up.

An ex-Qantas employee told The Bell Tower Times that the reason for the loss was quite simple:

"After the collapse of Ansett, we were in a position to really kick Aussies in he gut. With no alternative airlines for many routes, we could charge West Aussies up to $800.00 for a return ticket to see their family in Melbourne. Basically, we ripped off the public for so long that when budget airlines emerged we were truly fucked. Even when we tried to lower our prices, the public put up their collective middle finger and told us to go and swivel. We ripped off the public for decades and now Joyce is fucking the lives of 5000 staff, rather than scale back on top brass bonuses and his own lucrative salary".

On behalf of the public, let us say this - you deserve what you got Qantas. Interstate travel with your company is so expensive that  for many Australians the chance to visit their friends and family was an impossibility until the emergence of Tiger/Jetstar. Now you are going to make life difficult for 5000 people due to your poor management and lack of foresight.

It is sad that another Aussie company is in trouble, but it is far sadder that your business model was to be the giant mosquito that drained the cash flow from Aussie's veins for decades.

McDonald's Amore Ad Sends People into Rages

25 February 2014, 11:00am

It appears that McDonalds is not content with just poisoning our bodies, they are also intent on destroying our mental states with infuriatingly shit television ads.

Macca's recent ad campaign combines shit-eating dancers signing about how getting an extra 500 calories for 20% less is "amore" (love in Italian).

It was only a matter of time before Macca's abandoned their desperate health campaign, and they have done it in spectacular fashion. However, the sickeningly cheery ads have caused an outbreak of rage attacks in Perth's southern suburbs.

Fred Dingle, from Cockburn, told The Bell Tower Times that he lost the plot on Monday night after hearing the ad:

"I felt the red mist come over me. The dancers look like turbo children's camp leaders on crystal meth. It's fuck'n junk food for fucks sake. I am not proud, but I flipped my coffee table over and smashed my TV remote against my mates knee... not proud mate".

The BTT knows about at least 6 over rage incidents related to the Amore ad campaign. In one case, a truck driver became so enraged after enduring the ad three times in half an hour, that he ran down his street with his shirt off, screaming about "poofters" and ripping letter boxes out of the ground.

We can only hope that McDonalds ends the adverts in the interest of public safety.

Sorrento Seal Actually an Overweight American Tourist

It was incorrectly reported last week that a large male elephant seal had made Sorrento Beach its temporary home to recover from hunting further off shore. 

The alleged seal was dubbed "Steven Sealberg" and has attracted scores of gawkers and one member of the public was so bold as to slap the mighty creature on the backside. 

The only problem is, Sealburg is actually an overweight American tourist named Bob Jackson, who has been trying to enjoy the beach and tan his 150kg frame. 

The Bell Tower Times spoke to Jackson, who told us about the mix-up:

"I thought yall Aussies were just curious to meet a real freedom-loving American. I thought it was a little rude that they kept calling me an elephant seal, but they were throwing fresh fish my way, so I thought what the hell, I'll play the part. I fly back to Florida on Wednesday, but figure I can get a few more buckets of scraps and maybe one of those purdy little green peace chicks will come and hug me again ha ha".

The news comes as no surprise to many, given that Australian's have enjoyed watching fat Americans on television for many years. The startling revelation also throws into question the collective intelligence of Perthians living in the City's northern suburbs -  are the northerners dumb? Or have the burger-loving yanks come to resemble large sea mammals?

What a time to be alive.

Woosha Gives Troubled Cousins a Job at His New Pharmacy

6 February 2014

John Worsfold and Ben Cousins now have two things in common - they were dumped from the Eagles and now, they are both in the Pharmacy business.

Worsfold has been rumored to be re-opening his pharmacy that operated in Garden City in Booragoon and has reached out to the troubled Ben Cousins who has been unable to find steady employment after his departure from Richmond Footy club some years ago.

Our sources tell us that Cousins will initially be manning the front counter under the watchful eye of Woosha. A term of his employment is that he will not be permitted to handle any product containing pseudoephedrine or any prescription drug that can be used to achieve a high.

Some commentators have called the decision to employ Cousins in a pharmacy as "baffling" and a "ticking time bomb that will explode all over Woosha's face". More compassionate voices have called the decision a vital step to helping Cousins develop a healthy respect of drugs and discover how drugs can be used for good, not just fun.

The pharmacy is likely to be opened in 2015. We can only hope Cousins can keep a cool head and not blow this final chance for himself.

Clive Palmer Announces Plans to Build a Time Machine

5 February 2014, 9:00am

Clive Palmer's Titanic is still under construction and in his words the project is "uniting Europe". Well, Clive is about to unite the entire cosmos with his announcement that he is dedicating his substantial resource to building a time machine.

Clive announced that he was making his time machine a priority so that the mistakes of the past can be corrected - he is in part referring to the Australian Electoral Commission's bungling of the senate vote in the 2013 federal election.

Some political commentators have cast doubt on Clive's new project - with some asking the tycoon/senator whether he has finally "blown a fuse" and "lost the plot". In true Palmer fashion, he aggressively responded to his critics:

"My time machine will be he greatest invention that man kind has ever seen. I have a team of over a thousand of the top scientists in the world to assist  with the project. The Prime Minister has even thrown his support behind the time machine - he believes that he can utilise he technology to go back to he 1980's and stop Queen forming - therefore curing the world of homosexuality. Anyone who says I cant do this is probably a Russian eco-terrorist mate, they don't know what they are talking about".

We understand that Clive wrote a rambling letter to Steven Hawking asking him to assist with the project. In his letter, Clive tells the physics genius that he has already replicated the car from Back to the Future but considers that technology to be inferior, based on the risk of being transported back to a period in time where petroleum has not yet been refined for use in automobiles.

We hope Clive gets the help he so badly needs.

Grown Adult's Outraged by Chloe and Kelly on MKR

4 February 2014

The notoriously scripted and captivating TV show - My Kitchen Rules has a knack of creating social media monsters of men.

This year, producers have carefully scripted WA's contenders, Chloe and Kelly, to be raging mega-bitches, in the same way they molded the public's perception of last years Asian babes. Chloe and Kelly endlessly bang on about their travel and are highly critical of other contestants - basically behaving like Contiki Tour Connoisseurs who have had the luxury of travelling on their parent's coin.

The "Twittersphere" has exploded and grown men, such as "Colonel Kickhead" - self proclaimed  twitter hard-case and funnyman - posted a photo viciously attacking the WA duo (see above). It seems, MKR has driven a grown man to jump on Photoshop and create a "meme" showing his distaste for essentially fictitious characters on a TV show.

Colonel Kickhead is not the only grown man to be outraged by the lighthearted cooking show:

Aymee (who allegedly is also crazy) has taken  a more solemn attack on Chloe and Kelly - sincerely hoping that they take a long look at themselves at the shows cessation. The kind of advice you might receive from your mother after you are caught masturbating into her favorite tea towel.

The examples are endless. We must ask ourselves as a society - are we really that gullible? Do we believe anything a reality TV show broadcasts? The online hate campaign against Chloe and Kelly would be analogous to launching a hate campaign against Paul Robinson from Neighbours.

Everyone chill.

Unemployed Mans Touching Tribute to Phillip Seymour Hoffman

3 February 2014, 11:00am

Charlie "Storming" Norman has vowed to refrain from any proactive job search activity until he has watched the late Phillip Seymour Hoffman's entire body of films back to back.

Hoffman has stared in over 60 films and Stormin Norman has spent the last of his Centrelink payment on a formidable stash of Jim Beam & Coke and Doritos Nacho Cheese corn chips. Stormin' Norman expects the marathon will take up at least 2 weeks of his life.

Stormin' Norman lost his job as a telemarketer 5 years ago and since then has struggled to break into the job market. Friends and family close to him claim it is due to his complete lack of ambition and startling ability to embrace the mediocre, in his words, "Frankly, I like the taste of Coles brand frozen food and the whole vibe of this layabout lifestyle". 

Stormin' Norman has remained unemployed for so long in part due to his ability to convince Centrelink that he is trying. Last month he applied for over 25 jobs - little do Centrelink know that he sabotaged each application in unique ways - drawing in crayon, blowing marijuana smoke into the envelope or including a little doodle of a swastika in his application.

We wish Stormin' Norman he best in his tribute to one of the finest actors of our time.