Ms Melbourne Cup

Today is a big day for Cheryce: it is Cup Day and it also marks the end of her suspended sentence for glassing a bitch in the Toucan Nightclub a couple of years ago. Without the threat of immediate imprisonment Cheryce believes she can fly, and just like R Kelly, she is going to piss on something that isn’t a toilet.

It’s 9:00am and Cheryce is sinking back Pink Sparklin’ with her gaggle of elegant looking friends. She is dressed in a striking lime green number by Supre. If we are being picky, we would say the dress is a little tight and combined with her vast array of faded amateur tattoos, she looks like a criminal Kermit the Frog who just washed up on the shore of the Swan River: bloated and drug-mule-esque. She is already unsteady in her high heels and is having a hard time keeping her fascinator hat on. The entire gaggle look the same: “the no undies crew”.

Cheryce’s behaviour in the maxi taxi is unbecoming to say the least. She loudly discusses her ambition to get some “bathroom dick” and then proceeds to ask the taxi driver whether or not he has become erect based on their sensual conversation, “you got a stiffy or what, Sanjay?”. In actual fact, his dick has retreated back into his body: an instinctual reaction to keep his manhood as far away from the thick musk of gonorrhea that is wafting through his taxi.

At the race track, Cheryce stumbles around while laughing in that hysterical and high pitched way that bogans do. She crudely flirts with a buzz-cutted security guard to try and gain entry into the VIP area. Access denied. She stumbles towards the toilet and is unimpressed with the line, “fuck that shit”. She finds a tree, squats and laughs during her entire piss. She locks eyes with a man in white-shoes and a Volcom belt. She now believes in love at first sight. She heads towards her prince charming but alas it is too late. He is already threatening to swing hooks and calling security guards “weak cunts”. This is what it feels like, when doves cry frown emoticon

Cheryce is shattered that she missed a great chance for a bathroom shag, so she starts swigging sparkling straight from the bottle. She is now so drunk that she can't see the screen on her mobile phone. High heels in hand and mascara running she heads towards the front gates. She takes a tumble and decides that she has come far enough. She wallows around on the floor while inadvertently treating the public her famous no undies show. She abuses her friends as they try to help her and completes her public display by power yakking all over herself. Class.

She is unlikely to appear in the social pages, but on the other hand, she is fairly sure that she didn’t glass anyone. We will chalk that up to a loss for horse racing but a win for society as a whole. Cheers Cheryce.