Tips on Being a Hot, Young Professional

So, the very definition of human achievement has been redefined by you securing a $40k a year graduate position through a family friend that owed your dad a favour. Well done. It's time to walk the walk.

1. Occupation Dropping - try to imagine the horror of meeting a new person and not alerting them to the fact you are a lawyer or engineer within the first minute of dialogue. For most young professionals the thought is too much to bear. A classic move is to ask, "so what do you do?" and then, like a wanker-crocodile, wait patiently for them to return the query and subsequently be gripped in the jaws of your brilliance.

2. Talk the Talk - based on the number of times you say shit like "colleagues", "my clients" and "networking", people could be confused into thinking you are being sponsored by corporate jargon. Above all, make sure you tell people how busy you are at all times. Which is technically true, all that paperwork for "your client" ain't going to photocopy itself (don't worry you are in fact fooling everyone).

3. Engage on Social Media - if you have a job, odds are people are going to assume you go there most days. Well, the first rule of being a hot, young professional is to never assume! So "check-in" at the office and accompany it with an enthralling caption such as "my second home lol" or "back at it again, I never leave!" Let everyone know you are a corporate role model, nay, a national treasure, one so important that Nicholas Cage might try to save you.

4. Shit on Blue Collar Industries - never let the facts get in the way of your belief in the corporate sectors superiority. Sure, you don't make as much money as your sparky friend, and you don't knock off at 3 pm to enjoy a beer in the sun like your landscaper cousin, but do they have a leather document holder? Didn't think so, take that you pleb fucks. If you are an engineer, make sure you patronise the workmen who are captivated by the gospel of your knowledge that you have obtained after being on the job for a month. Preach it!

5. Live at Home - leather document holders, power-suits and the repayments on that entry level Swiss watch you bought can be burdensome, even for a Wall Street Baller like yourself. Now, sharing an address with your parents may seem unsuccessful but remember, in the scheme of things, you are a baby graduate turtle, clambering for the safety of the 3 months probation-ocean, but like so many of your colleagues you will most likely be smashed by the wave of an unfortunate drunk X-Mas Party performance or swallowed whole by the Albatross of redundancy.