The Human Zoo - Ms F45

True to any modern fitness craze, the only way to achieve personal benefit is to spray your fad all over the toilet seat of humanity like an old mate in a pub toilet.

Accordingly, Marie has decided to embark on the F45 8-week challenge and to make sure she wins the Nobel Peace Prize for Inspology she cranks up her daily insta-vals to 4-5 posts a day.

She loves her 4:30am sessions. While you're sleeping she is transforming into a Stunna Combo meal that a slob, like you, doesn’t have a voucher for. She poses outside the oversized F45 logo with a protein shake:

“Every day we make choices, to be strong or to be weak. In 8 weeks I will have achieved my goals with my new F45 family. Anything is possible, Don’t just take over YOUR world, take over THE world #f45 #8weekchallenge#mealplan #fitspo #strength #hollywood #roman #shesfit”

Astoundingly, after just one day, Marie already sounds like Charlie Manson preaching to the cult of high-intensity interval training.

Fuck, she didn’t expect the first session to be quite so hard. She looks in the mirror and has to concede she looks less like Jennifer Hawkins and more like a sweaty tomato with a chronic case of asthma. She skips the post-workout selfie.

Instead, she uploads the combination of bird food and yoghurt she has brought with her for the #mealplan shot. See, the F45 challenge isn’t just about gloating that you are up at 4:30am, it’s also about spending $200 a week on the kind of food Paleo Pete Evans' masturbates to:

“Health isn’t just about working up a sweat, it’s about putting the right fuel into your body, you are what you eat remember guys ;)”

Jesus Christ, leave some cliches for the rest of us woman, and with a shit-eating post like that, you should probably be careful throwing around that “you are what you eat” mantra.

After a few weeks, Marie is ready for her first #TransformationTuesday. The act of posting a before and after shot of yourself in your undies and putting an unbearable amount of passive aggressive pressure on your friends to post positive vibes about your half-naked rig.

High on forced compliments, she lives her life one 4:30am session at a time. By the sixth week, she takes her fuckery to a whole new level and cancels on her best friend's engagement party, she posts on the event’s wall, “sorry babes, have to be up at 4:30am for an F45 sesh, have fun!”

You certainly don’t win friends by tossing them a cunt-salad like that.

The Human Zoo - Mr. Mature Aged Student

In a former life, David was a sales executive for a big firm, but due to certain indiscretions involving the aroma of a colleague’s chair, he finds himself out of a job and looking to undertake some further studies to help him set up his own business.

He enrolls in a commerce degree at Notre Dame University and is keen to make a splash. On the first day, the lecturer discusses the basic market forces of supply and demand. With 2 minutes until the buzzer, David knows he needs to hit ‘em with some half court razzle-dazzle:

“Well, in my 25 years experience as a sales executive, I can assure you that there are far more sophisticated market forces at play than the oversimplified, and dare I say cliche understanding of supply and demand…”

The ego-stration of his knowledge carries on well after the class was meant to finish. He can sense, yet chooses to ignore, the impatient groans of his student cohort. After he is done stroking his own ego, he turns and Good Will Cuntings the 18 year old "chicky babe" next to him, “how do you like dem apples?”

Evidently, not at all, and Instead of seeing him as a hot chunk of intellectual apple pie, she decides to burn him like a desperate dick-head trying to penetrate one, “um aren’t you my dad's friend? Ew”.

After class, he loosens his tie, rolls up his sleeves and follows a group of youths to the pub. Despite it being 4:30pm he decides to rely on one of 3 jokes in his repertoire, “it’s 5 o'clock somewhere ay guys, or beer o’clock as we used to say”.

He revolts the group with stories about how he remembers Uni being about “chasing skirt” and “rolling reefers”. If everyone is being honest, they wish he’d act like the other mature aged students and go home to their families, but you kind of lose that right when you treat the office furniture like perfume testers at David Jones.

Later in the semester, the lecturer reads out the groups for a dreaded group assignment. Each name spouted feels like a game of mature aged Russian roulette as the students cringe in anticipation of being stuck with David.

Inevitably one group draws the short straw. He smiles, “you guys are lucky, the other groups don’t have 25 years of business knowledge do they *winks mature agedly*, now just hang back after class, I have some questions for the lecturer to give us the edge”.

Of course, you do, David, of course, you do

The Human Zoo - Ms "The Bachelor 2018"

Kimmy watches The Bachelor to escape the reality of her own love life; if you could call the putrid garbage heap of mirror-masturbators and knuckle draggers she meets on Tinder a "love life".

Each year, for a few hours a week, her cat & desperation stained apartment is transformed into the "Bachie Pad" and she buys into the reality of trite televised romance; maybe she could bait a honey badger of her own  - if you know what she means.

Kimmy is unclear exactly when she crossed the line from “ironic viewer” to “overly invested Bach-addict”. Perhaps it was when she surpassed her previous record of 40 angry tweets during an opening episode. It's not her fault, she gets passionate, and those "sluts" on TV are undeserving of a one on one scrum with Nick Cummins.

It is undeniable that Kimmy has a problem; consult the ever-growing heap of tissues next to her couch that expanded every time she was "convinced" the honey badger has fallen in love at first sight - which she is convinced happened 15 times in the first episode.

Her friends begin to worry as she goes down the same path as previous seasons as she starts sharing trash articles containing “hot takes” on the season opener. It probably isn't a good use of her time, but she doesn't care, she is an addict, and is mercilessly freebasing the bitter chemical of trash television.

The premiere of The Bachelor 2018 was an emotional rollercoaster for her; especially when she witnessed the choreographed “drama” of Nick Cummins’ “ex” being allowed on the show. Hats off to Channel 10 for bringing the sexy back to a cheeky bit of stalking.

She immediately spends the next 30 minutes doing a little stalking of her own - looking for this woman’s Instagram. She finds a few accounts that “might” be hers and decides to double down on weird, obsessive behaviour,

“He pumped and dumped you, sweetie!!! Get a grip and get off the show!” To be safe, she sends this message to all seven accounts that might be the right woman. In love, or in bachie-lust, you can never be too careful.

The Human Zoo - The Social Media Couple

Before social media, the only way a person would know you were in a relationship would be by “actually knowing you”. Thankfully, social media allows you to rub the nose of any irrelevant dickhead in your life in the piss puddle of your love. 

Facebook’s “relationship status” is fine for the plain old vanilla slice shortbread couples, but Chontay & Jayden are more significant to the world. Accordingly, Chontay double dips and before updating her relationship status she first posts a professionally taken shot of the pair:

“1.06.2018 two hearts became one. He took me out for Gelare (full price :P) and already knew my exact coffee order. Like a REAL KING he got down on one knee and asked me whether I would be his significant other :P :P :P THIS QUEEN SAID YES!#love #loveislove #swolemate #hotcouple#2hearts1soul”

Jesus, did someone order a lemonade because Jay Z and Beyonce are in the house! The gaping hole of narcissistic emptiness in their personalities is filled with a mighty rush of likes, comments and reacts. Sweet validation. 

The first few months of their relationship plays out across social media in a flurry of cringey selfies and sweet nothings that they’d never bother saying to each other in real life. Jayden is no slouch when it comes to soppy limp-dickery and lands a wet fish right on her wall,

“Babe, every day I strive to be an entrepreneur, a king worthy of your hand my queen. I woke up and you’d left for work again, I will never get used to the cold side of your bed babe #xxx”

Then get a job as well you cuntrepreneur. 

Nevertheless, this excessive slop satisfies her in a way the microwaved sausage roll he calls a penis never could. Chontay’s girlfriends swoop in with comments like, “awww so sweet”, “you guys are the cutest”, “GOALS”. Whereas Jayden’s mates punch holes through their laptop screens while vocalising obscenities. 

Of course, behind the scenes, things are as tense as when O.J’s new girlfriend criticises his turkey carving technique at Christmas. The pair continually fights about the attention they respectively receive on social media. 

Chontay explodes after a couples gym photoshoot and accuses her king of dipping his quill in the ink of infidelity. Jayden snaps back and tells her that 90% of her followers are just thirsty guys and her brand is useless. Chontay then lands the deathblow and asks how a “CEO, dreamer & boss” can never afford his own festival ticket. 

After the exchange, they pretty much fucking hate each other. So Chontay posts a gift basket from her king (that she actually bought for herself) with a rambling caption about how lovers fight, but more importantly, that lovers heal. 

The Human Zoo - Mrs Coles Miniature Range

Kath is the sort of full-time mummy that will decry Coles for profiteering with 15c plastic bags, but happily spend $30 each trip to try and secure a sea-turtle throat lozenge from the My Little Shop Miniature Range. Suburban life is about contrasts. 

So far, Kath has 28 pieces and according to her intense Facebook ranting, Coles’ are dogs for creating a supply shortage and thus forcing her to continue buying $30 of frozen food products every shop. Well, no shit - it’s almost like this is a marketing stunt designed to drive up revenue after bag-ageddon.

You see, Kath knows that it’s far easier to send the family budget into chaos than teach her little entitlings the concept of “no”. Although to be fair, while young Methan and D’erissa merciless whinge about missing a tiny White King, Kath has become quite attached to the range herself.

How attached? Well, let’s just say she made a difficult decision to liberate a couple of Dollarmites from the captivity of young Methan’s Dreamsaver account. A sacrifice to be sure, but in the pursuit of useless pieces of fucking shit, everyone must do their bit.

To complete the collection she posts a photo of her spare toys and proposes a swap on FB Marketplace. She manages to swap a Vicks Vapor Rub for a Vanish Stain Remover - but that crafty White King still eludes her. An unscrupulous cretin senses her desperation and offers a straight sell - $100.

Kath still has a few more plays left from the queening-hand book and declines the extortionate offer. Adding he should be “ashamed of himself” as young Methan hasn’t stopped crying in 2 weeks. Like a Thai cave diver, she knows she needs to sink low to pull off a miracle, so she marches down to Belmont Forum.

While paying for the weeks 5th haul, she stands over the check out chick, “I know you’ve got the White King back there”. She squeaks, “no ma’am they are random”. Kath leans over the counter and staunches the child, “I always get what I want”. Thanks to this appaling display Kath manages to join the non-exclusive club of people escorted from Belmont Forum while pulling a Michael-Gardiner-3-hour-coke-wank expression.

Defeated, she storms home and agrees to pay $100 for the White King. She has the complete set but the euphoric ecstasy soon turns methy when Kath reveals her master plan. She snatches the entire collection away from her kids and posts a photo on Facebook Marketplace - “ful set COLES MINUATURE RANGE - $500”.

Well, there goes the last chance of alien life wanting to make contact with us.