The Human Zoo - Ms Afterpay

Afterpay is the Hello Kitty of credit lines. While it lures you in with its soft, fashionable purr, you will quickly learn shit gets serious when it drops the dead bird of default at your feet and claws your credit rating like every other cunting credit providing cat.

Afterpay knows that teens need to be eased into a life of liabilities, after all you don't become a level 70 outer suburban debt sorcerer overnight.

Tara knows to stay away from credit cards. Her brother is still sleeping rough in consolidation city after maxing out two cards on overseas holidays and enough ecstasy to put a grin on Margaret Court’s face while being stuck in traffic during Mardi Gras.

So in a moment of Kochie-esque brilliance, she decides to fuel her raging clothes addiction by only using Afterpay. Fun, fashion and fiscal responsibility, yassss Tara, slay.

She first dipped her toes in the world of over-extension with a totes cute $300 The North Face puffy vest from The Iconic. Fuck that $100 dollar peasant garb from Kathmandu, with Afterpay, Tara was able to dress at least 3 social classes higher.

Weeks later, Tara had paid off the puffy vest. She only needed to borrow $20 from daddy to cover the final instalment. All in all, a total success. However, the road to fiending is paved with good experiences.

The following week she stepped it up a notch, filled a swimming pool full of checkout items and she diiiiived in it. Damn, this time, she had spent $600 on 2 complete outfits to a 21st she was going to on the weekend. Excessive for a girl who earns 600 a fortnight? Not with Afterpay.

Like throwing irresponsible rocks at the hornet's nest of repayments, she was beginning to feel the unpleasant sting. This time, she needed to flog a bunch of her shoes off on a Facebook group to meet her final repayment.

She was creeping ever closer to desperation, ever closer to taking a walk down the desperate alleyway of dick suckery. Is this what is sounds like when indebted doves cry?

She calms herself, she will totally get like a gazillion dollars back on tax. So it’s a perfect time to splash out on an elegant ball gown and more shoes than a #blessed centipede.

Fucking #yolo bitches, she spends $1200 on her next spree. Feeling guilty pangs, she decides to ask her father how much she actually will get back on tax. Her dad reckon the best they can do is $300 and he has a buddy who is an expert on tax back. Oh shit.

Unable to pick up more shifts, she does what so many have done in moments of impending poverty, she agrees to date a Western suburbs “perthonality” and turn on the waterworks to hydrate her drought-ridden finances.

She scrapes through with only a few late payments fees. She has learned nothing and soon the third party debt purchase vultures will begin circling.

The Human Zoo - Mr Rockingham

Dieson has the Rocko look. Fake Gucci sunnies, a mullet, Air Max, Unit apparel and more ink on his body than a Yakuza boss getting weird with a shoal of squid. 

Unsure what to do with his FIFO redundancy, Dieson decides to invest in his future and buy a second hand Harley. Not a wise investment? You just wait until the bikies accept him.

Alas, they won't, even though he is more desperate for membership than the last standing Blockbuster store. Why? Because if floggery was an art Dieson would be Cuntlo Picasso and his personality would have its own wing at Le Louvre.

Last time he saw some bikies at the Swinging Pig he decided to show them why he’d be a great fit by taking on a couple of Hi-Vis’d Maoris. The “I’ll make you piss” tables turned and Dieson’s month-long recovery urinating through a catheter failed to impress the 1%’ers.

Feeling depressed, Dieson decided to take his family on a little holiday to Rockingham North aka Kuta.

We hear a lot about GMO’s, but Dieson’s toddler was a GDO: a genetically disadvantaged organism that was raised on the principles of parental neglect. To make matters worse, his misso missed the memo about drinking during pregnancy. After all, UDLs are only 4% right?

Accordingly, the youngin’ behaved like an entire amatuer suburban footy team on the flight over to Kuta. The flight attendant’s pleaded with Dieson to secure his child for landing. However all Dieson and his misso could hear was the annoying whine or someone telling them to do “somefink”.

The staunch fuse had been lit and this bad boy was going to blow. Dieson and his misso launch into a rant so foul it’d make an Armadale junkie’s dickcheese seem like a wheel of fresh brie.

They swear like Kevin “Bloody” Wilson after stepping on lego and flail their limbs like your white uncle on the dance floor after requesting Gangnam Style.

The behaviour is so bad it almost forces the pilot to turn the plane around. Next comes a week in Bali that explains why they want to execute us over an ounce of weed. Bintang fueled loutery and a hotel room filled delivered Maccas.

On their return to Denpasar Airport they are advised by Jetstar staff that their booking has been cancelled and they are banned from the airline. What do you mean there are consequences to acting like an entitled fuckhead?

Dieson is quick to contact the highest court in Australia: A Current Affair. He tells the “journalists” that he and his family are stranded in Bali because of the ash cloud of toddler intolerance, “these dogs cancelled out flight cos our youngin’ kicked off, he’s just a kid ay”

You should never bluff when playing the victim card and just one truthful statement from the airline made Dieson look like the creepy crawly at the bottom of the knuckle-dragger gene pool.

The Human Zoo - Ms Newly Single

Jasmine finally dropped her boyfriend like a UFC spectator with a staring problem. What a relief, if she'd wanted to waste 3 years on something that offered her no future, she could've just done an Arts degree. Unshackled, she was ready to let her hair down. 

Dealing with life after love called for some reinvention. So she started brewing her own Kombucha, she dusted off the old yoga mat and most importantly she reconnected with her besties.

See, while she was dating old meth-lungs McGee she tended to hang out with his cretinous friends. Her mates were thrilled when she started bantering in the group-chat and even committed to every social event they planned.

Like Kevin Spacey, all it took was the realisation that she was focused on the wrong dick to actually come out. Truly a blessing, as friends who only remember you exist when they are at rock bottom are truly the best friends of all. 

At her first major event since the break-up, the girls wooo’d to the sound of Rosé-filled glasses clinking as they shat on masculinity like Clementine Ford using an old Zoo magazine as toilet paper.

“Who needs a man when I’ve got my 10s woooooooooo”. She promised she'd never abandon her girls again, and would de-cockify her life like Old McDonald wanting his sleep ins back. 

Well, that strong independent woman shit lasted about 4 hours, when she found herself looking lustfully into the first guy who paid her a half-compliment, “you remind me of a chick I fucked”. O Cunteo! Wherefore art thou Cunteo.

Almost immediately, she ditched her friends and danced with her slurring lothario until realising he was cut from the same jizz-cloth as her last loser boyfie, “let's go to a cubicle baby”. No dice cheesedick, nobody puts baby in the piss covered corner.

She continued to involve herself with her friends for at least a few weeks. That was until she realised she was as codependent as a joint Facebook account and jumped on Tinder.

Over the next month of her life, she cut through more scum than a bottle of Shower Power. Almost every guy she met claimed to be hot shit but disappeared as soon as she flushed the toilet of commitment.

Except for one. One turd that clung on and didn’t disappear into the murky sewerage of online dating. He’d shown he could stick around, and although not entirely pleasant, he was still there for her.

Her mates were less enthusiastic about the news, “he sounds a lot like the others Jassy”. So just like a Tour de France rider with a fresh batch of human growth hormone, so began the same familiar cycle.

The Human Zoo - The UWA Student

Jeremy went to Christ Church. Jeremy's dad went to Christ Church. Jeremy is enrolled in Law/Commerce at UWA. Jeremy's dad completed an LLB in Law/Commerce. So completes the circle of entitlement to trust funds and other such financial boons of Perth's elite. 

Jeremy studied hard during school. He knew that if he failed to achieve UWA educated lawyer status his parents would disown him. Unfortunately, he neglected to water the soul's desire for healthy social interaction, thus his personality was dry and withered. 

Jeremy quickly joins the UWA social scene. There are two rules that apply to UWA social events: firstly, you must come in fancy dress and secondly, you must adopt a try-hard American system of lingo. Call people "freshmen", play "beer pong" and berate those geekier than yourself for yaking their guts out. Fuck what all those kids at school said, YOU Are the "jock" now, and your chosen sport is "Tavology 101" LOL. You are such a bad-arse that you don't even care that you've got yak and piss all over your 1970's Disco Stu costume... your dad can afford the $50 dry cleaning charge. Bitches. 

"Can you believe people waste their time doing law at Murdork and Notre Dame LOL", Jeremy says to some sheltered Indian bird. "How can they afford to party like us on Youth Allowance HA!" Jeremy gets a roaring applause from a group of Big Bang Theory looking cunts sitting nearby. "Well said, Jez for Prez!" Ahh, yeh. Totally. "Jez" runs for president of the Blackstone Society, UWA's elite law students group. He plasters his election posts all over the University campus. "Vote for Jeremy, a scholar in the lecture room and a lad in the Tav LOL". 

"Jez" fails to win the election. His pussy-footed upbringing hasn't prepared him for the pains of disappointment. His eyes start welling up. The king of the UWA Tavern starts crying behind the library. As tears roll past his prominent Adam's apple his demeanor switches to nasty. "This isn't over, you will be hearing from my lawyer!"

It's like fucking law inception innit? A law student losing an election so he engages a lawyer who happens to be his procreator. Wonderful.