The Human Zoo - Mr "I Bought a House"

Sure Anthony worked, but when it came to blessings, life always had its legs open and he always seemed to be washing his dick in the VIP sink.

That hand-me-down Beamer, that second hand Rolex and that passport with more stamps than the combined lower backs of the Mandurah Forum clientele. Something was up.

You always suspected, no fuck it, you knew that Anthony’s parents kept him more secure than the bolts on Fritzl’s dungeon door. A labour of love, because they weren’t hit-n-run hush money rich, they merely feasted on the nutrient rich after-birth of their baby boomer’s easy run.

How disrespectful, at least the boomers fought wars. Wars just like the one his FB contacts waged in their head while deciding whether to invade their screens with their fists after his latest post.

He is standing in front of a duplex and beside a SOLD sign in the leafy ‘burb of Wembley:

“Just bought a house! Hard work and sacrifice has finally paid off and I’m a homeowner. Watch this space it’s only going up babaaaaayyyyy, enjoy renting suckers :P”

While he is peacocking around on social media his parents are praying desperately he doesn’t fuck up. Unlike Anthony’s delusions of self made mannery, his parent’s deposit and signatures on those guarantor papers are fucking real.

His social media gloating is bad, but his overnight belief that he is the Kochie of mid-range property investment is worse. He waltzes into the Captain Stirling and orders like a man not restrained by the ropes of a $600K mortgage.

The Sultan of Cunt-nei didn’t even look at the specials menu. He didn’t even enquire as to the pint of the month. He stuffs rib eye down his privilege-hole as he gives unsolicited investment advice, “you guys should really think of buying, renting is just throwing your money away”.

His mates roll their eyes as he continues, “I’m already looking at a place in Nedlands, it’s important to not let you portfolio stagnate, I’ve got the collateral so probably sign away my life next year some time *laughs Blizerianly*

Even though his mates want to call him out, they also want to use his folk’s boat in the summer. This vicious cycle will continue and Anthony will grow old without ever having to let the barbarians of self reflections through his fragile gate.

For most, buying a house in Perth is like getting robbed: it’ll happen at the end of a train line and you’ll be left broke.