The BTT's Guide to Mario Kart

1. Emotions run high

Get ready to powerslide through the full spectrum of emotions on the instability rainbow. See, Mario Kart was designed to bring us together, however, all it did was help up release the monster inside. Sure, you might not think you’re the type to smash a controller through a glass table, but try getting blue-shelled moments before crossing the finishing line. Where is your god, then?

2. There is always someone who thinks they are hot shit

How’s the head on this operator? Always swanning into a race with the confidence of an old mate reading the racing form at the TAB. Deep down everyone knows the source of this confidence isn’t some natural aptitude, but rather a mixture of a youth spent underemployed and sucking on a bong like it was paying him to.

3. You have to accept that mediocrity is rewarded

You are conditioned in life to believe that the strong survive. So why the fuck does the biggest fucking doughnut in your group keep getting all the dardy shit in the mystery boxes? Why can’t the game just let him wither and die in 12th place, the way nature intended? Who knows, but if you can’t reconcile this harsh truth, your anger will consume you.

4. Your final placement is a direct reflection on your life

Finishing 4th amongst your peers will almost certainly throw you into the grips of a particularly nasty existential crisis. If you couldn’t hit those boosts at the starting line? Well, how are you going to charge into 2019? Missed every shortcut? Well get used to taking the long way through life you total spud. 15 minutes ago, Mario Kart is one thing you would’ve said you were good at, now you are just another stinking pile of cow shit on Moo Moo Farm.