Ms #FML

#FML stands for ‘fuck my life’ however in reality it means ‘shower me with the pitiful rain of attention’. Her trials and tribulations are transmitted across social media like a herpes outbreak in a Mandurah caravan park gangbang. Applying the Zovirax of sympathy only inflames the situation and leads to a lengthy and vague period of self-indulgent inflammation of her needy desires.

Cheyenne awakens on a Thursday morning with a ferocious appetite for passive aggressiveness, she grabs her phone and posts a status, “so sick of this…#FML” A true masterpiece that is limitless in the ways it could be misinterpreted by her Facebook community. 

One of her sad-sack drama sisters puts the first runs on the board, “u ok babe? x” Like a truly great attention-batsman, Cheyenne lets the first query go through to the keeper. Next up to the crease, is the mayor of friendzone who still violently wanks to the memory of her hugging him at Amplifier, “i’m here if u need to talk babe xx”.

A hour later, Cheyenne adds some fire to her narcissistic wildfire by posting a meme, “It’s always darkest before dawn, I will fight, I will win, I am Woman”. Christ almighty, now it sounds like Cheyenne is preparing to go Rambo like Cuntvester Stallone. The meme is immediately preceded by another whopper of an update, “not gonna be someones plan b :@ feeling angry”. Finally, some clarity and the usual suspects spring into action. 24 concerned comments and no replies.

A young buck named Alex decides to break formation and fire a reality missile right at Cheyenne’s fort of pity, “crying on FB isn’t gonna help, ffs”. The atmosphere is now tense, kind of like the moment in class when you talked back to a newly divorced substitute teacher who has been forced to sleep in his car. Mental breakdown pending.

Cheyenne finally remembers how to reply to a comment, “how dare you!!! if yous know what I bin through, fuck you hey”. How can anyone know what “yous bin through” if post like the clues in a cryptic cunt-word in the fuckwit newspaper. 

By the end of Cheyenne and Alex’s brutal exchange, the Facebook community is still no closer to understanding Cheyenne’s clearly pressing life-tragedy. A few hours later, Cheyenne gets the niggling feeling that her sympathy-squad are doubting her sincerity. Time to go nuclear, she changes her relationship status from “single” to “its complicated”.

What the fuck, honestly, fuck all our lives if we need to read this oozing pus on the daily.