Subiaco Man Day Dreams About Smacking Vegan in the Mouth

4 December 2013, 10:30am

Rick Vandelay, 29, attended a small Christmas soiree with some good friends at the Lucky Shag Hotel on Tuesday evening.

A female friend of Vandelay decided to invite her cousin, Chloe Sampson, who was visiting from Melbourne. Vandelay took no objection to the extra guest, thinking that she may have been "fingerable".

Vandelay soon discovered that Chloe was a raging vegan who was not shy to thumb-pack her opinions down anyone's throat. Her hair was slightly dread locked, she had a nose piercing and she smelt like the E-Shed Markets.

The critical moment of the evening came, when Vandelay ordered the Shag's famous hamburger for dinner. Vandelay told The Bell Tower Times:

"I hadn't even finished ordering my meal, when Chloe, the thunder-cunt, snapped at me for ordering meat. She scoffed as I ordered the burger and then commenced a 10 minute rant about how meat was murder or some shit. All I know is that I drifted off into a trance... I kept getting these flashes in my mind, of just smacking Chloe, right in the mouth, obviously I didn't act on my impulse though".

 Vandelay's best friend, Simon Haas, told us:

"Rick really copped it with both barrels from that chick. I dunno though, he seemed really zen about it. He just stared at her in kind of a dream-like state, occasionally grinning, while she was telling him about the meat industries inhumane practices and all that stuff. As we left the restaurant, he told me that he had spent the better part of the day dreaming about giving Chloe an elbow right to the chops, in the interest of shutting her up".

By all reports, Chloe is a repeat offender and Vandelay exercised extreme self-control to not react to her relentless diatribe. If you see Vandelay at the pub, buy the man a drink.