The Human Zoo - The P-Dawg - PART 1

The P-Dawg was invited by a friend to a group dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant. He arrives early. American flag polo shirt, Chinos and sickening levels of enthusiasm. It is apparent he is American.

"Hey bro, my name is Phil, but call me P-Dawg". The group settles. P-Dawg calls a waiter over, "can we grab enough dim sims for the table?". The waiter politely advises him "we do not have dim sims".

P-Dawg looks frustrated and puzzled. "Bro, I was banging this Vietnamese freshman last summer, I think I know what a dim sim is bro". The table apologies on his behalf.

The group begins eating their Pho and rice paper rolls. P-Dawg is uncomfortable with the brief serenity - "so any of you guys ever done a panty-raid?". A member of the group looks up, "what?". P-Dawg's eyes light up with freedom. He begins to explain the intricate details of sneaking into "freshman slut's" rooms and stealing their underwear.

"Sex criminal" the table thinks.

P-Dawg, desperate to be loved, suggests they go out for "shooters" and "pitchers of bud". P-Dawg wont be raiding any of this group's undergarments tonight. Not ever.

The Human Zoo - The Little Unit - PART 1

The Little Unit corners a new employee at the fish and chip store: "we have a little joke in my family - you know how Asians always have straight hair? Well, I bet their pubes are straight too HA!"

The new employee is stunned. A dear in the headlights. Little Unit keeps staring, waiting for the gratification of a laugh. The employee smirks and says "thats a good one, mate". Its not. Its barely a joke.

The Little Unit is putting off his managerial duties. He walks up to the grillsman. Nods his head and says "look at all these customers staring at the footy game. I was asked to try out for the Freo Dockers when I was 18 ya know". The grillsman sighs - he is used to the sounds of Little Unit's flaming bullshit.

Still searching for attention, Little Unit approaches a 16 year old who is stationed at the till. "You ever experienced the raw power of a 1988 Mazda Rx7?". She shakes her head. "Well then, maybe I'll give you a ride to your inter-school swimming carnival then". Gross.

The Human Zoo - The Degenerate - PART 2

Part 2 - Go-Karting

The Degenerate sits down to breakfast - baked beans and two lines of speed. Its go-karting day. Slips on his best Holden Racing Team jacket. Ready to go. 

At the track he greets the staff. "Not this fucking idiot" mutters the manager. The Degenerate chooses his favourite go-kart and becomes increasingly irate when he cant quite get comfortable in his seat - "fucking dog seat, this is fucked". He takes an unauthorized warm up lap and lights up a cigarette. "I really cant deal with this moron today" - the manager thinks. 

"Thats it mate, you're out, you're banned". The Degenerate deals with the news poorly. He chicken-walks around the track ranting and raving about "his rights" and "fucking dogs". Growing increasingly irate, he warns the staff that he will make arrangement for Today Tonight to "be all over this act of doggery".

On his way home, the Degenerate drops a burnout a sik burnout and thinks "fuck, I think I left me kid unattended again".

The Human Zoo - The Pig's Trail of Destruction - PART 2

Part 2 - Sizzlers

It is the happiest day of the Pig's life. His daughter is getting married. The reception has been booked. 6:30pm at Sizzlers. The Pig can barely contain his excitement. 

While waiting to be seated a young waiter approaches with a plate of complimentary cheese toast. The Pig grasps the mans arm, "come here, son". His fat hand is sweaty and grabs 3 pieces of cheese toast in one foul swoop. Oil drips on his belly that is sticking out of his formal shirt. The buttons are under much strain. 

"Surf and Turf" he snorts at the lady taking his order. "Outta the way" he speed-waddles to the salad bar. It is time. He constructs a mountain of nachos with potato wedges littered in between the chips. He dips his finger into a creamy looking soup - "not enough cream" he grumbles. He repeats this grim routine three times before his main course arrives. Three mountainous plates down his gullet. 

"I need to make some room, luv" - he indiscreetly blurts out to his table. Within moments the restaurant is filled with the sounds of the Pig throwing up in the toilet. He isn't finished consuming yet and he wont let a full belly get in his way. After the chorus of chundering the restaurant is treated to the sound of the Pig's mightiest fart. Almost like a battle-horn being sound. 

He returns to his table - "this has been an excellent wedding". 

The Human Zoo - The Chilli King - PART 1

Part 1 - Chocolate Milk

The Chilli King discovers a burger joint that claims to have the worlds hottest burger. Challenge accepted. He grabs his tub of sour cream from the fridge and drives to the spot. 

If he finishes the burger in 40 minutes it's free. His technique is flawless and between greedy spoonfuls of sour cream, he defeats the burger. "Thats'a spicy meatball!" he proclaims in a racist Italian accent. The Chilli King doesn't pay for the burger. But there is no such thing as a free lunch. 

The Chilli King retires to bed. 3:05am, he wakes up with a stomach ache. He walks to his parents fridge and drinks some chocolate milk. The milk neutralizes the burning chilli in his gut. He goes back to bed. 5:15am, he wakes up needing to piss like a racehorse. As the urine gushes out, his face turns to horror. Chilli has soaked into his urinary tract and he is pissing hot fire. 

In agony he runs from the toilet and frantically grabs the chocolate milk. He stands in his kitchen, pouring and rubbing the chocolate milk all over his dick. Groaning in relief and oblivious to his mother sitting down for her morning breakfast. They lock eyes, his dick still in hand and dripping with chocolate milk. His mother leaves the room. 

His mother never bought chocolate milk for the household again. 

The Human Zoo - The Degenerate - PART 1

Part 1 - The Missing (Centre) Link

"Aw me phones outta credit again" - the Degenerate enters a payphone in Belmont. He dials Centrelink. A brief exchange is had between the Degenerate and a customer service operator. "I am going to fire bomb you drongos where is my money you fucking pelicans!". A few more words are exchanged. The Degenerate goes absolutely skitzo in the payphone. Smashing the phone and repeatedly headbutts the plastic. 

The Degenerate adjusts his Adidas snap pants and walks towards his Ford Falcon. "Sorry luv, we cant afford the bourbon and the baby food, she'll have to eat some of your left over Whopper and chips".

On the Degenerate's hoon home he rants at length about "pigs with blow dryers ruining his life". He clips a medium stripe, maintains control and mutters to himself, "King of Bathurst".   

At home the Degenerate kicks off his work boots and retires to his lazy-boy. He pours his first bourbon. It wont be his last, not by a long shot. 

The Human Zoo - Trust Fund Baby - PART 2

Part 2 - I'm on a Boat, Bitch

Trust Fund fires up his Porsche Cayenne. He begins his drive to the yacht club. Windows down, the latest David Guetta song blares from his stereo. Trust Fund fist pumps in an intense manner. He pulls up next to a Holden Barina filled with woman - "youse wish you could roll like this, babbbbbbyyyyy". 

At the yacht club his behaviour doesn't improve. He spots a young staff member, starts flexing his arms - "take these eskies to my  BOAT bra, I gotta oil up my Tech-9's". The young staff member sighs in defeat. No battles can be won against a man who refers to his biceps as Tech-9 automatic weapons.  

Trust Fund's guests meet him at his boat. Shirt is already off and he is sporting a captains hat. "Nice hat, bra" says a knuckle-dragger. "No shit baby, Hugo Boss all day errry day". His comments go unchallenged. 

Trust Fund recklessly navigates his boat to the open water. Throttle down. "WOOO", "FUCK YEH", "WOOO" as he fist pumps for 3 minutes straight.  

He speeds past a small fishing vessel causing some turbulence - "peasant fisherman" he booms from his captains deck. The knuckle-draggers on board laugh and slap each others hands. 

The Human Zoo: The Adventures of Hobo Heart - PART 2

Part 2 - Office Life

Hobo Heart returns from Friday lunch drinks. The third pint was probably one too many. "I'll just camp out in the shitter until I'm less drunk" he says to himself in the elevator. 

20 minutes passes and Hobo Heart is on top of his inebriation. He re-enters the office eco-system. He notices a memo on his desk. Its from a coworker asking him to help out with some research - "it's Friday afternoon for fucks sake". Hobo Heart storms to his coworkers office to have some words. He isn't back from lunch yet. Hobo Heart pauses - picks up the coworkers stapler - places it in the bin. "Asshole" he thinks to himself.

Hobo Heart stares blankly at  his computer screen. Unmotivated and dreaming of his next frothy beer. "I am off to the Supreme Court Library to help old mate out with some research" - Hobo Heart's boss is impressed - the illusion of dedication is ripe in the air. 

Hobo Heart walks vaguely towards the library. He veers sharply down an alleyway, suddenly... Gunky Gill appears. "Lets go smoke some darts down by the Lucky Shag ay?" It was a proposition Hobo Heart could not refuse. After 4 Benson & Hedges' Hobo Heart turns to Gunky Gill and says, "life is like a pack of darts - because it's fucking brilliant". Hobo Heart has found a slice of freedom once more. 

The Human Zoo: Officer Turmoil - Part 2

Part 2 - Cleaning Up the Streets

Officer Turmoil slowly drives through the streets of Highgate at 3:00am on a rainy Sunday morning. He spots a male prostitute and instinctively pulls over. "How much? scumbag". Nervously, the male prostitute responds, "$150 bucks big boy". 

Officer Turmoil gestures for the man-whore to get in his car. He pulls over in a car park near a soccer oval. He grips his steering wheel firmly, he keeps his eyes forward and grunts "give me a dose of street justice, you piece of shit". Aggressive love is made.

After the deed is done, Office Turmoil grins, "big mistake", Officer Turmoil pulls out his badge and slaps a pair of handcuffs on the prostitute. "Do you think its OK to go around bumming straight men? I will end you, son". The prostitute is scared and confused. Officer Turmoil says a Hail Mary through gritted teeth. Prostitute is charged with being a prostitute. 

Officer Turmoil drive to a 24/7 Petrol Station - microwave meal for 1. He drifts off into an angry slumber. 

The Human Zoo: Trust Fund Baby - Part 1

Part 1 - Started from the bottom

Trust Fund sits in a corner office of his father's stockbroking firm. He logs onto his internet banking, views his balance, fist pumps multiple times. He prints the statement - deciding to send a copy to every printer in the office - "bitches gotta know, bra". 

It is already 9:05am and Trust Fund hasn't received any social media notifications. He searches through his mobile phone photos, ah yes - time to post a photo from Ibiza 2008 - the photo where he is on a boat and mingling with some bikini-clad woman. Trust Fund Instagrams the image with the caption "#thuglife". He lays in wait, emotionless, expressionless and anxious. Great success, someone likes the photo. "yeh that slut craves it",  he thinks to himself while delivering a few more wild fist pumps. 

Trust Fund's unquenchable thirst for social media gratification grinds away at him. He logs onto Facebook and updates his status: "Life is a gift, I started from the bottom and now I'm here! Never let anyone say you cant follow your dreams #thuglife". He receives 10 likes in 5 minutes. He fist pumps so violently that he spills some coffee on his Gucci business shirt. 

He calls his secretary, "babe, run down to David Jones and pick me up another Gucci would you? I don't do coffee stains babe". 

Her skin crawls. 

The Human Zoo: Officer Turmoil - Part 1

Part 1 - Justice Served

"I'm gonna put this cunts head through his own windscreen", he thinks to himself as he pulls over a motorist for doing 5kph over the speed limit. Officer Turmoil adjusts his hat, checks his gun holster and walks towards the offending motorist.

The motorist banters, "Sorry Officer, I was speeding to get home to watch the Eagles!". Officer Turmoil needs a moment to compose himself. He stares at the motorists face, sweaty, nervous and dripping with guilt.  "Shut the fuck up ,shit-eel". Officer Turmoil firmly grasps the stress ball in his pocket as he remembers his mandatory anger management counseling.   

"Blow into here and stop when I say so". The motorist attempts to lighten the mood with more banter, "I wish I could say that to my wife ha!". A mighty storm of confusion and anger is now brewing in Officer Turmoil's heart. He grips the stress ball, the anger doesn't leave him. "Are you implying that I am some fuck boy that asks men to blow my breathalyser?" . The motorist shakes his head in fear. 

Officer Turmoil writes a ticket and walks back to his Holden Commodore. He fires off a text message to his ex-wife, "tell me I am not a faggot". No reply. 

Officer Turmoil goes home, he heats up a can of Campbell's Big Eat soup. He loads GTA 5 in his Playstation. Spends his night running over pedestrians while laughing out loud.

The Human Zoo - The Pig's Trail of Destruction - Part 1

Part 1 - Entree`

The Pig searches through his wardrobe for his extra loose pants. Only a few stains, nothing a wet tea-towel cant sort out. A belt wont be necessary, not for tonight. 

The dinner party starts in 40minutes. The Pig's wife is still getting ready. The platter that they are bringing to party is vulnerable, juicy and alone. The Pig picks at some salami and cheese cubes. "Hurry up darl I'm wasting away here".

The Pig arrives at the dinner party at 6:45pm. It's a cool and still night. Ideal conditions for gluttony. The Pig does a quick lap of the room and greets some old friends. He turns to Phil: "Is your daughter legal yet Phil, ha ha", he snorts while Phil recoils in disgust. 

The Pig slams his hand into a bowl of Doritos. Chips overflowing, falling onto the carpet. The Pig whips his hands on his extra loose pants before he sits down for the meal. The Pig stacks his plate with roasted delights, potato salad and bread rolls. He helps himself to seconds, then thirds. No one has even finished their first plate. 

The Pig's wine glass is once again empty. No problem, there is some wine left in the bottle. Fills his glass to the brim, draining the last of the wine. The host stares at him, "at LEAST pour a little for your wife!". The Pig grunts, "she can be a real asshole when she drinks, better off in me ha ha". He leans back and disengages the top button of his pants. Satisfied, sweaty, proud.

The Human Zoo: The Desperado - Part 1

Part 1 - Sexual Healing 

Desperado's crusty Mac Book Pro emits a familiar notification tone. Desperado leaps to attention and reads the notification from his Asian friend, Natasha - "keen for lunch?" Desperado feigns disinterest and waits 10 seconds to respond - "sure!!!!" He sprays his nether-regions with Lynx Java. 

Desperado types into the Facebook search bar - Asian Nudes. He likes the page. He is ready to go.

On route to the Wembley Hotel, Desperado pulls into a petrol station and purchases medium sized ribbed condoms - "just in case she wants the D" he says to himself. 

Natasha bores Desperado with details of an argument with her boyfriend. He pictures Natasha naked while he plays with his mashed potato. Suddenly, "I'll kill him if he hurts you Natasha". Natasha wonders why she bothers catching up with Desperado.

At home, Desperado watches Asian smut while wearing his kimono. 

THE HUMAN ZOO: The Adventures of Hobo Heart - Part 1

PART 1:  RUDE AWAKENING 

Hobo Heart's alarm sounds at 6:45am. His favourite James Blunt song blares out of his 2008 Nokia mobile. Angry, he rolls out of bed and shuffles to his bed side table to examine whats left of the nights takings. A few sips of Woodstock remain in a can and some chopped up marijuana. Hobo Heart swigs the can and then fashions it into a crude can-bong. He inhales. For a moment, he is free. 

Hobo Heart boards the 170 Bus from Albany Highway in Victoria Park. He sits next to a mouth-breather who has keypad tones activated on his phone. Hobo Heart closes his eyes and dreams of committing unspeakable acts against the mouth-breather. He smiles, if only for a moment, Hobo Heart is free. 

The 170 rolls onto St Georges Terrace at 7:45am. Hobo Heart alights the bus and walks towards an alley way. Hobo Heart slaps the hands of his constituents - Barry and Gunky Gill, two resident CBD bums that Hobo Heart has formed a close bond with. Gunky Gill offers Hobo Heart a swig on his tawny port. Hobo Heart declines, "not before 11:00am Bill", a blatant lie. 

Hobo Heart proceeds to the Perth Magistrates' Court where he meets his client, a lowlife that was caught robbing charity boxes. Hobo Heart looks the lowlife in the eyes, takes a deep breath, "did you see the tits on that chick, mate?".  If only for a moment, they are both free. 

Outrageous: Notorious Slacker Calls in Sick With Hepatitis

12 June 2014, 9:00am

It is Thursday morning at Meat Packing Inc. Staff slowly filter in and enjoy a piping hot Nespresso coffee while checking their emails. To no ones surprise, Kevin McKaw has sent an office wide email advising that he is too ill to attend work.

In the last 3 years, McKaw has taken an outstanding, 55 sick days for a myriad of creative and semi-believable excuses: gastro, the flu, migraine headache, toothache, the list goes on.

However, on this cold Thursday morning, McKaw tried to go claim the holy grail of sick leave excuses: that he had contracted hepatitis while assisting refugees the night before. A claim so bold, that management shook their heads in disbelief.

We spoke to McKaw, who is currently on the 5th hole at Wembley Golf Course, he told us:

"Yeh, nah, turns out I didn't do me research on that one. Apparently hepatitis is a chronic disease of the liver mate. I didn't even specify which strain it was: A,B,C.... well fair to say I got an F ha ha! Yeh, nah, also turns out, that you really cant "come down" with hepatitis overnight. Work can blow it out its arse though, I'll fight them, mate". 

We contacted the HR manager at Meat Packing Inc. Who told us:

"Kevin is a few dumplings short of a Dim Sum, if you catch our drift. We will certainly request proof of this very serious disease, if he expects to get paid for today's absence. The most unbelievable part of the story is that Kevin was helping refugees, he has a "fuck off we're full" sticker on his ute!". 

Feel better soon Kev.

Abraham Lincoln Impersonators Down on Luck

The Jimmingtons searching for toothbrushes and other essential items

11 June 2014

For generations, the Jimmgton family have been proud Abraham Lincoln impersonators and have carved a niche in the lucrative world of dead presidents.

Unfortunately, due to factors such as the global recession, Tony Abbott and China's fading hunger for our nations iron ore, the Australian public just aren't spending their hard earned money on recreations of Abraham freeing slaves or fighting vampires.

Spare a moment to consider the Jimmgtons, as their relevance begins to resemble the trash they so solemnly wade through.

New STD Named After "What Really Happens in Bali" Star

9 June 2014, 5:40pm

Todd Gisondi is a shining example of a moron seeking fame through making a complete dick of himself on TV.  He recently stared in Chanel 7's "What Really Happens in Bali", where he made claims that he bedded up to 3 woman a night and never used a condom.

This deadlocked, tribal tattooed, Big Brother contestant wannabe, sought and achieved fame. Perhaps it wasn't the fame he was looking for though. Scientists at a leading sexual health clinic have decided to name a new strain of aggressive genital herpes after the self professed "sex addict": Toddy's Simplex 2.

The Toddy's Simplex strain of herpes leaves horrible cold sores on your genitals but it also effects judgment, to the point where you might go on national TV and tell Australia that you don't "believe" in condoms.

Get a grip Todd.

Tiger Airway Cancellations Determined by Wheel of Inconvenience

3 June 2014, 9:15am

An insider has recently lifted the lid on Tiger Airways most guarded secret - their method of deciding which bullshit story to spin to paying customers when they cancel flights. 

The operational management team have a "Wheel of Inconvenience" that they use to determine the official reason for cancelling flights, during a ceremony called "The Roar of the Tiger".

To inject a bit of fun into The Roar of the Tiger, senior executives can win prizes based on which wedge the arrow lands. If an executive spins the dial and lands on "Drunk Pilot", they win a bottle of 1956's Penfolds Grange, whereas if the arrow lands on "Staff Strike", the executive wins a sky-diving adventure with Richard Branson.

Some people will accuse Tiger Airways of being non-nonchalant and generally uncaring with their cancellation policy, however, in fairness- YOU are the one trying to save money.

So, next time you have a dig at Tiger Airways, for arbitrarily cancelling your flight (real reason: because they didn't fill up every single seat with some wheezing mouth-breather), remember, you are just a shit-eater in the great unwashed masses.

Perth Woman's Intense Alarm System Out of Control

2 June 2014, 10:30am

Kelly Samington, 24, hates her job and finds it increasingly difficult to spring out of bed in the morning when her alarm goes off.

In 2013, Kelly could rely on a single alarm and enjoyed waking up to a whale song ringtone that she downloaded. Fast forward 6 months, and Kelly has been forced to design an intense and intricate alarm system to help her get up.

Kelly's system works like this:

- Her first alarm sounds at 6:23. She will hit snooze at least twice.
- A secondary emergency alarm will then sound at 6:30 - typically, Kelly will accidentally turn this alarm off with her hammy fingers.
- A safety net alarm will then sound at 7:45, this time represents the latest she can stay in bed without being late for work.
- Two further alarms sound at 7:48 and 7:50. These alarms are the last line of defence in Kelly's morning ritual.

By the time Kelly gets out of bed (typically 7:15), her phone battery is already on 60% given the number of alarms sounding and the extreme number of interactions she has with her phone- to hit snooze and occasionally to set a new alarm - including particularly desperate times when she sets a new alarm to sound in 1 minutes time.

Kelly's housemates cant stand her annoying alarms going off every fricking second of the morning. Kelly is out of control.

Sort your shit out Kelly.