People You'll Find on Rotto

1. Ms Rottofornia

Rotto is the undisputed premier location for like-whoring on Instagram. Ms Rottofornia will immediately fall into a #blessed trance as she loses control like an American with an automatic selfie machine-gun. Boat shots, beach shots, cocktail shots and of course the mandatory #quokkaselfie, which if she’s being honest isn’t the first little hairy thing she’d had to put her mouth near for a little Insta-fame.

2. The Western Suburbs Elite

The dad sports a long-sleeved Polo with speedos, the wife is technically classed as a flotation device given the amount of “enhancements” she’s had, and the son really knows his way around a “my daddy will sue you” threat. When they aren’t on their boat, they are judging the island peasantry for doing Rotto wrong: having to rent bikes, not owning paddleboards or the ultimate indignation of staying in budget accommodation. You are the gum on his boat shoe, stay out of his way, champ.

3. The Drunken Yob

This lad is easily identified by the yewww’ing coming from the ferry port as he charges onto the island with a carton of piss on his shoulder. He hasn’t bothered to bring a change of clothes so get used to the smell from those piss-stained boardies. He and his dickhead mates intend to make the most of the island by engaging in activities like drinking outside their place, drinking at the beach, drinking at the pub, riding a stolen bike into a tree and finally become public enemy #1 when they kick a Quokka. Oh, and on the ferry home, he will be evacuating body fluids like he has fucking ebola.


4. The Asian Tourist

If they aren’t taking advantage of the new $350 per night glamping tents they are holed up in the lodge. When they venture out, they take the notion of slip, slop, slap to a frighteningly diligent level and dodge the vitamin D like a vampiric lesbian. On their adventures they enjoy pointing at Quokkas, taking photos of anything and marvelling at the Rotto bakery pie, an exotic delicacy that has helped slay the demon of an island hangover for generations of West Aussies.

5. The Cray Pot Raider

Like a SAS Cuntmando, his mission in life is to execute a reconnaissance mission on YOUR cray pots. This wet-suited wanker will risk a spear-gunning, public shaming and the ire of the Department of Fisheries for the chance to make a few bucks off another bloke’s hard work. When he’s not flogging crustaceans, he’s probably taking flowers from roadside memorials, or just grabbing a few tins of baked beans from the Chrissy food drive. The piece of shit.