A Guide to Sculptures by the Sea

1. The bogans

Each year Cottesloe gets swarmed with more Commodores than the Midland Court car park. Where else can Jonophen and his family of 8 get a little culture without having to wear shoes or discard their crab sticks before having a gander? Typically, their evening is cut short after one of their undisciplined children damages an exhibit and Makita has to leave a scathing review on Facebook because the big goon bag wasn’t there.

2. Locals

Marvel at their perpetual scowl as they wonder who left the gate open at the povo farm. One does not simply have a 6011 postcode just to suffer the Dickensian stench of middle-class hordes. Of course, no self-respecting member of the golden triangle would rub shoulders with the great unwashed during busy times, but they sure as shit will call the ranger on your pleb mobile if it’s parked on their lawn.

3. The amateur photographers

Her friends all sneered when she bought a $2k camera, but wait until she gets the exact same photo as every other person with an iPhone, who will be laughing then? Enjoy the annoyed sighs of amateur photogs as your clumsily walk through their #perthisok shot or marvel at an Asian tourist mistaking a seagull on a bin for one of the exhibits.

4. The wannabe art critics

There is nothing artists enjoy more than some prick who went to the Louvre once talking shit about their work. Or even better, a second year fine arts student who loudly tells their tosser friends how they would construct it differently so it was a metaphor for both the gun control movement in the US and homelessness in Palestine. More wankery than lights out at an all-boys boarding school.

5. Parking inspectors

Sculptures by the Sea is like X-Mas for parking inspectors if those kind of people were actually capable of feeling human joy. Think you are going to get away with a cheeky double park while you grab some fish & chips? Not on your life, friendo. In fact, in some areas, the fines are over $100, as the Council feels if you can’t handle the $100 heat, get the fuck out of their beautiful kitchen.