Guest Articles

8 April 2014
BARNETT DECLARES WAR ON FLAT BRIM CAPS

 
 
In a move which is sure to raise the ire of many Perth youngsters, the state government is set to introduce a bill banning the wearing, sale and possession of flat brimmed baseball caps. The idea for the bill was put forward by police commissioner Karl O'Callaghan as a measure to reduce anti-social behaviour.

The commissioner has gone on record stating that there is a clear and definitive link between the wearing of these hats and street crime, saying that it is a symptom of the American Hip-hop and gangster culture infiltrating our shores. 

" These young and impressionable kids see they're favourite rappers, 50 cent, Lil Wayne and the like wearing them and they imitate not just there looks,but there attitude and mannerisms as well. These guys are seen as being tough and many youngsters want to put forward an image like that. We need to get it through to them, this is Perth, not Detroit and intimidating gang type behaviour will simply not be tolerated. I believe the rise of rap music is one of the biggest causes of anti-social behaviour in our city."

The commissioner has the support of Colin Barnett who says that their is strong evidence to back the move.

"Not only do I think these hats look rather silly, we have hard evidence to suggest that the link is real. In Perths south-eastern corridor, the area with the highest crime rate, over 90% of the population own  one or more of these hats and it has to stop. Sadly, it's a generational problem, we're seeing irresponsible parents buying them and encouraging children as young as three to wear them. If you raise your child to believe they are a gangsta, surely the likelihood of them developing behavioural issues is far more likely."

When asked what he would like to see as a replacement for these hats to defend against the harsh Perth sun the Premier responded,

" Well, surely, that's obvious? I'd like to see a return to the more traditional style of Australian hat, the Akubra. It would be an economic boon to local hat makers and also a coup for West Australian tourism. Imagine being an international tourist and arriving in our great state to a sea of Akubra wearing Aussies. Just magic"

The proposal is sure to upset many though, we quizzed iconic Aussie hip-hop star, 360 on his views, " dat faggott needs some fuckin swag. Yolo" was his succinct reply. The Cancer Council has also weighed in, predicting a spike in cases of skin cancer however the premier has dismissed these concerns stating " the state government sees that as a legitimate and effective form of population control"

Lloyd Rainey

24 January 2014

BARNETT DIPS TO DETER DRUM LINE DORKS

by Lachlan Keeley 

In response to increasingly vitriolic criticism of his controversial shark cull Policy, W.A. Premier Colin Barnett has volunteered for his own body to be used as the bait that will be placed upon the numerous drum-lines designed to catch sharks more than three metres long in designated areas along the coast of Western Australia.

Barnett's decision to take the baiting into his own hands comes after the few commercial fishermen planning to tender for the work pulled out of the offer, in response to Government claims that providing security for the fishermen would make the operation economically infeasible.

"A couple months ago it seemed that everything was fine and that the tendering process was going to be relatively straightforward, but now? It's a bloody shambles," conceded Mr Barnett in last night's interview with the 7:30 Report. "As soon as the press got hold of the story and that video clip of me holding one of the hooks and smiling like a dickhead, the feces hit the proverbial fan, so to speak."

He went on to comment the policy is proving:

"somewhat more complex that I expected" but is still hopeful it will be in place by the end of summer. “Obviously I wasn't expecting killing sharks to be simple. I've seen Jaws, you know? But imagine my shock when even WAtoday began criticising me. They've being getting Canadian school-children to make fun of me. Canadians!" 

“Going into this, our primary goal was making sure we put the lives and safety of beachgoers ahead of sharks. They're bloody fish, for God's sake. They can't even look up! Nobody's taking this seriously - those bloody hippie lefties least of all. Sabotaging the hooks? Shitting on my office desk? Christ, what have they been smoking? Do they think a great white would do the same for them? As I see it, the only way for this process to stand any chance of going ahead now is for me to put my own body on the line. Pun, uh, sort of intended.”

Speaking on the 7:30 Report, Mr. Barnett outlined his plan to swim out to each of the drum-lines on a regular basis, so as to mitigate any chance of “non-violent direct action” by protesters, as well as provide an additional lure for any potential sharks in the area. “I'm not a complete idiot,” he added, in his closing statement to interviewer Leigh Sales. “I'll be armed with a knife at all times, in the event that a curious shark does happen by. Anyway, I'm the one who's going to be out there in the water now, so you can all bloody well just piss off. If I do get attacked, it's just going to prove that I was right all along. So there. Like my mum always said: if you want a job done right you've got to do the bloody thing yourself.”

The first of Mr. Barnett's dips off the W.A. Coast begin next month.