Woman's Online Dating Profile Horrifies Single Men

31 July 2013, 8:20am

Trisha (name withheld), 30, recently signed up to E-Harmony, in the hope of attracting a partner through the online dating service. Trisha had been unlucky in love since splitting with her first boyfriend 2 years ago and was fed up with trawling through the sea of sleazy men that frequent the Perth bar scene.

When Trisha set up her online profile she made it clear that she wasn't after a fuck buddy or some cheese-dick looking for a quick back-alley liaison (her words). While her intentions where good, her execution was less than desirable. The Bell Tower Times does not have access to her profile, however we spoke to a number of potential suitors who were put off by what they read:

Dale, 29, told us:

"Holy moly. She looked cute in her photos but I was really put off by the fact she wrote in her details, that family was really important to her, and her "1 year plan" included birthing 3 children, adopting 2 cats and retiring to become a full-time mum... jeepers".

Chris, 31, told us:

"Under interests she put, "if you come home smelling of beer you had better keep your filthy hands off me. The only intoxicant my potential partner will need is my love.".... That's not exactly first date stuff".

Randy, 27, told us:

"Man, you do not want to go there. she said that she understands a bloke needs to hang out with his mates, which is why she is happy to negotiate a roster of when her potential partner can hang with his buddies... a roster? Crazy bitch".

Luke, 32, told us:

"under the category, people that inspire her, she wrote... "anyone who has ever told a man to make his own f**king sandwich"... I am not sure whether she is looking for a partner or for a therapist".

Tone it down Trisha.

 

Shameless Crackhead Makes Indiscrete Call to Dealer

28 July 2013, 5:30pm

Julian "Turbo" Jackson, 22, stood outside the IGA in Brentwood at 3:30pm today, and made an indiscrete phone call to his drug dealer, "Robbo".

Woman and children walked past the ranting Jackson, as he engaged in vigorous negotiations for a bag of methylamphetamine.

Missy Randall had taken her 10 year old son to the shops to treat him to an ice-cream, she told the Bell Tower Times:

"He had no shame. we overheard him begging someone over the phone for a small discount on a "point of the kuta shards". Jackson felt that his loyal and regular business should factor into the deal".

IGA staffer, Peter McSheen, had gone out for a cigarette when he overhead Jackson:

"Man, he was speaking so loudly. He just kept bringing up the time that he let the other guy have a honk on his pipe outside of The Clink Nightclub in 2009...  It was pretty busy too, I must've seen at least 10 different mothers look at him in disgust".

This was not the first time Jackson has made a fool of himself in public. The Bell Tower Times was contacted by an associate of Jackson who told us:

"No shit, he once asked EVERY single person at Club Bay View whether they had any drugs. Not even a specific drug, just "drugs"... Turbo is off the walls ay".

We invite the readers to share their shameless crackhead stories with the Times.

 

Tight-Ass Bill Strikes Again: I Will Re-Gift This Hot-Dog Maker

29 July 2013, 11:05am

Bill Heffer, 38, is widely regarded as one of Perth's tightest men. His total unwillingness to part with his hard earned coin is legendary and has earned him the nickname of Tight-Ass Bill.

Bill's brother, Charles, recently invited friends and family to celebrate his birthday on 30 July at the exquisite Print Hall Restaurant in Brookfield Place. Bill received his invitation today and was absolutely thrilled with the timing, he told the Times

"perfect timing, the missus has been on my back about throwing out this ridiculous hot-dog maker that my mate bought me for my house-warming party in April. I have only used it about eight times. I will re-gift it for my brother's birthday. Booyah. This will save me the $20 worth of scratchies that I would've bought Charles for his big day AND I get a free feed at the Print Hall. Double Booyah".

The Bell Tower Times spoke to Bill's girlfriend, Helga, about re-gifting the hot-dog maker:

"Thats Bill for you. Charles is a vegan for christ's sake. I suppose it's better than the time Bill threw a dinner party and "cooked" 20 packets of Mi Goreng for the main course. He reckons the food tasted extra good based on the savings made". 

You are a real scumbag Bill, Booyah.

Benny Cousins Regret: Why Didn't I Sign with Essendon?

28 July 2013, 9:30am

Between 1996 and 2010, Ben Cousins dominated the AFL. His achievements include a Brownlow Medal, multiple Most Valuable Player awards and he led the West Coast Eagles to a premiership victory in 2006. We all loved Benny.

Sadly, Cousins career was soured by a series of off-field indiscretions which eventually saw him delisted from West Coast in 2007. It was a sad day for every true Eagles fan.

The Bell Tower Times had an opportunity to speak to Cousins recently, when we found him wandering around Fremantle aimlessly on Saturday afternoon. We asked him about how he was going:

"I am livid mate. All this Essendon doping business going down. It's bullshit mate. Why wasn't Cuzzy told that Essendon was the club to be at? hey? 

I spent 11 years of my life at the Eagles and i didn't get even one sniff of a peptide....not one sniff for Cuzzy. 

I can say, without hesitation, my biggest regret is not signing with Essendon. Its the worst thing I have ever done.... oi mate, let Cuzzy borrow ya mobile phone for a second? Just need to make a call".

Cousins attempted to call the Essendon Football Club for reasons that are unclear to us.

5 Years On: Buswell Inspires a Nation of Political Chair Sniffers

26 July 2013, 9:10am

In April 2008, Deputy Opposition Leader, Troy Buswell sensationally sniffed the chair of a female staffer and was said to have “groaned and writhed in sexual pleasure”. The scandal shocked and appalled the public. The idealist dream that our leaders were mature and respectful was shattered.

Five years have passed since the chair sniffing, and Buswell has bounced back despite rumors he dry humped a prominent Perth businessman at a Christmas party in 2012.

The Bell Tower Times approached members of the “sniffing community” to find out what they thought of Buswell. We encountered young political aspirants that had previously thought their history of sniffing would rule them out of a political career.

Tony Donnington told the Times:

“I’ve sniffed my fair share of chairs, bicycle seats and jeans in my day. Unfortunately, I have been caught more times than I can poke a stick at.

I was 15 when Buswell went on his chair-sniffing rampage, and now he is the Minister of Transport. There is nothing holding me back, I think I want to become Minister of Health or even Treasurer one day”.

Charlie McSlinger echoed the sentiments:

“He is somewhat of a God to us... I actually think my perverted history of chair sniffing will help me gain pre-selection in the ALP. It is well known that the ALP have been looking for someone to sniff as hard as Troy. Thats me. Thats McSlinger". 

Troy, you have inspired a nation. 

In Focus: Was this Perth's Finest Landmark?

One Love x

25 July 2013, 11:45am

We remember standing on the South Perth Foreshore and beholding the marvel that was the PERTH sign.

Bring it back Barnett, you Fred Flintstone looking cretin.

Mobile Phone Porn Enthusiast Forced to Use Payphone

25 July 2013, 8:45am

Tim Gammon recently signed up for an Optus Mobile Phone plan with 3GB of included data. He never contemplated that he would rack up an additional $250.00 in excess data charges on his first bill. Tim fell into the vicious cycle of RedTube and the thrill of the bathroom wank.

A review of Tim’s phone records reveal a 200MB a day porn habit that lead to the excess charges. Optus was left with no choice but to disconnect Tim’s phone plan pending payment of his bill.

The Bell Tower Times contacted Tim to hear his side of the story. He told us that his lowest point was using a payphone on Beaufort Street to contact his girlfriend:

“I’d wanked myself to the bottom of the food chain, I was forced to use a payphone like a dirty junkie trying to contact his dealer… I recall there being some kind of mucous on the payphone’s headset… I think I may have hepatitis... who the fuck uses a payphone anymore?”.

 We asked Tim whether needing to use a payphone was the worst of it, he told us:

“I didn't want to say, but now that you ask… I've be “revving the engine” to my friend’s Facebook photos… Don’t judge me… You think I’m a grot don’t you?”.

 We do.

Balcatta Plumber: A Four Pack of Woodies Should Be Enough for Me Drive Home

24 July 2013, 3:50pm

Balcatta born Plumber, Brian Somerville, decided that a four pack of pre-mixed Woodstock and Coke cans would tie him over until he got home from work this afternoon.

Liquor Barons staffer, Tim Mincer told the Times that Somerville had come into the bottle shop at 3:30pm and immediately walked towards the fridges that contain the ready to drink bourbons. Mincer told us:

“he was quite unsure of what to buy. You could tell that he reckoned a four pack would do it, but he was stuck on whether to grab a fifth can, just in case he got stuck in traffic… eventually he decided that the fifth can was unnecessary for his 25 minute drive home to Balcatta”.

Somerville’s apprentice told the Times that he was glad Somerville opted out of the fifth can:

“ah, old mate is alright on four cans… but when he smashes five he starts to swerve all over the road and forces me to yell shit out at pedestrians. I don’t like it when Brian drinks the fifth can”.

We invite our readers to comment on whether a four pack is truly enough?  

Glue-Sniffing Dero Shares Tender Moment with Bus Driver

24 July 2013, 7:35am

Earlier this morning, a heartwarming scene unfolded on the 170  Bus from Victoria Park to Perth City, when a grissly Bosnian Bus Driver showed compassion towards a young derelict in the depth of a glue binge.

Vlad Slavovich, a suspected war criminal turned TransPerth Bus Driver, noticed the young man in a drug induced stupor at the back of his bus. Vlad told the times:

"When we arrived at the Esplanade bus Station, the young man had lost consciousness. I had noticed throughout the journey that he had been huffing on a plastic bag. It was only right to help the little street rat. I carried him off the bus, threw my warm Bus Driver's jacket over him, and gently ran my fingers through his hair and whispered that everything would be OK now, Vlad was here".

Armadale man, Corey Pickering regained consciousness to the sound of Slav singing a Bosnian lullaby, Pickering told the times:

"I couldn't believe it ay, I woke up to the warm embrace of a Bus Driver. In Armadale, you would get stabbed for that kinda shit... I aint complaining though ay. When in Rome and all that... he didn't touch me up or nothing ay, c*nt".

Vlad fled from Bosnia in 1995 after the civil war. He has an Interpol Warrant out for his arrest on suspicion of using his position in the military to sell arms and heroin to neighboring countries. A relatively mild rap-sheet compared to most TransPerth Bus Drivers.

This is what it's like when doves cry.

Hung-over Man's Outrage at Axing of 2 for 1 Powerade Deal

23 July 2013, 8:00am

Angry scenes erupted at the BP petrol station on Mill Point Road on Sunday morning, when crusty drunk, Simon Henderson, was told by staff that the station would no longer be offering the ‘2 for 1’ Powerade deal.

BP employee, Sanjay Patel, was forced to tell the irate Henderson, that BP had discontinued the offer, but he was welcome to take advantage of the ‘2 for 1’ Mount Franklin water deal that was currently on offer. 

Sanjay’s suggestion was not wise in the circumstances.

Henderson virtually exploded, and began ranting:

“You have no idea how much I drank last night. My mouth tastes like an ashtray floating in a river of dick, mate. Do you think Mount Franklin has the power to cut through that?  

The only reason I even come to petrol stations is for the Powerade. I don’t need petrol mate, the State of Western Australia banned me from driving something fierce.

I honestly don’t even know where else to buy Powerade. I’m way too seedy to go into Woolworths.  I’d probably American History X the first kid to scream near me”.

Sanjay was reportedly sympathetic but was unable to offer Henderson a better deal on his beloved blue Powerade. He told the Times:

“You could tell the guy was dehydrated, he usually drinks at the pub across the road, and will come in late on Saturday nights for a pie that’s been sitting in the bain marie for 10 hours… then calls me un-Australian for charging him for sauce. What a vile man”.

Get some rest Hendo.

Joondalup Man Tells Son: It’s OK if You're a Poofter

22 July 2013, 10:45am

Cobber Branson sat down with his son, Sheldon, at the Sovereign Hotel on Sunday evening to catch up and enjoy a meal together.

Cobber had drunk about half his pint of Carlton Draught when Sheldon dropped a bombshell on him. Sheldon told his father:

            “dad, I'v kept a secret from you. I'll come right out and say it, I'm gay!”

Cobber looked stunned for a moment, and then bumbled his way through an excruciating yet well-meaning conversation with his son, an eye witness told the Times that their conversation went like this:

Cobber:            righto Sheldon, you mean like, you support gay marriage?

Sheldon:           I mean, I am a homosexual, I am gay!

Cobber:           how gay?

Sheldon:          excuse me?

Cobber:           um, like… Mardi Gras cage dancing gay or Bruce McAvaney gay?

Sheldon:          dad…  

Cobber:           aw shit son, I don’t mean to be insensitive, it’s OK if you’re a poofter mate. I’m proud of you no matter what.

Sheldon:         thanks dad, could we drop the ‘poofter’ business though?

Cobber:           absolutely son, I’m happy you told me, ya big poof, come here

*hugs Sheldon and ruffles his hair*.

Onlookers report that the pair shared a few more drinks, before Cobber began musing about homosexuality:

“you must take after your mother, when we were growing up all our mates used to call her Ms PacMan, she could suck-start a Harley Davidson boy… you'll be the belle of the ball with those skills boy…"   

Sheldon, unable to find the words to respond to his father's intensely awkward story, simply smiled and nodded.

Man in Friend Zone Caught With Condoms and Lube

19 July 2013, 7:30am

Rex Antwood has secretly been in love with childhood friend Cindy Cummings since the pair met in 2002. On the other hand, Cindy has always praised Rex on the fact he is a "real sweetie" and "the best friend a gal could have". For Rex, these compliments go down like razor blades.

The pair caught up for a chat at the McCafe on Canning Highway on Thursday night. The evening took a turn for the worst when Rex left his jacket unattended to visit the bathroom. Cindy, craving a macaroon, reached into Rex's jacket where he normally keeps loose change, what Cindy found rocked her to the core:

"I reached in and pulled out 5 condoms and a tube of lube with the name "Cindy" written on it with permanent marker. I was totally shocked. It couldn't have been a joke, the tube was really crusty and mangled... clearly has been used in the heat of the self-moment. I am going to be sick".

Rex exited the toilet oblivious to the storm that was brewing back at the table. As he approached the table he noticed that the contents of his pocket had been discovered. Knowing it would be impossible to talk his way out of it, he grabbed the lube and bailed into the night. He later sent Cindy a text message saying, "I've always loved you Cindy. Lets cuddle and work this out".

Cindy has been in a state of shock and hasn't replied to the text yet, she told the Times:

"It was one of the least romantic moments of my life.  I view Rex as a friend, but clearly Rex views me as someone who would be keen to get lubed up in the toilet of a McCafe.... i mean, i am, but just not with him".

Gross Rex.

Traffic Cop Admits: I Was Never Breast Fed as a Baby

18 July 2013, 8:30am

The Bell Tower Times recently caught up with the winner of the prestigious “Mr Infringement 2012”, a highly prized accolade among the traffic branch of the WA Police.

The young officer shot to fame in 2010 when he managed to infringe the same driver 4 times in one day. He told us, “I just kept pinging the lead footed scrote. What a rush. Let’s see him afford his children’s school uniforms now”.

We met with the young officer  on Monday and asked him why he made such an excellent traffic cop, he told us:

“I wasn't like the other kids at school. I was always the one to dob on other kids to the teacher. It seemed only natural that I would grow up to become a traffic cop.

I got some valuable insight into my suitability for the job after the second time I was caught  acting “inappropriately” towards destitute men in the holding cells. The top brass said that I should go and see the department’s shrink. They assured me that my confused and complicated issues were the very reason I was promoted up the ranks so fast".

After a few counselling sessions, I recalled a repressed memory, my mother had never breast fed me. She never offered me her milk. I guess this is where my anger and confusion stems from.

I wasn't really going to boof those hobos, I was just having a bloody good laugh”.

Before we parted ways with the young superstar, we asked whether he would ever consider utilising his superior police skills to solve some of the state’s worst unsolved crimes, he told us, “only if I can slap a yellow sticker on the murderer's chest and take him through the pits”.

True blue. 

Wife Urges Criminal Husband: We Need to Spice Up Our Crime Life

17 July 2013, 8:40am

On the surface, Gordon and Misty Barnsworth are a perfect crime couple and are madly in love.

However, under the surface Misty is growing increasingly frustrated with her husband’s lack of criminal creativity and tires of the same smash ‘n' grab antics that drew them together 5 years ago.

Misty spoke exclusively to the Bell Tower Times:

“I fell in love with an impulsive and staunch roughneck. He actually proposed to me during a high speed chase. I remember the younger days when he would storm through the house at 3am and demand I accompany him on an armed robbery caper. I was having the best crime of my life those days. These days I am lucky to even be a look-out while he is rifling through peoples letterboxes. I have needs too”.

It seems the ever looming threat of imprisonment has slowly eroded away Gordon’s criminal libido, he tells the Bell Tower Times:

“Mate, I’ve got a suspended sentence and a Supervised Release Order hanging over my head. They’ve got me pissing into a cup every week, so I can’t smoke my magic rocks anymore. Meth was probably the biggest motivator in the creativity and frequency of my crimes. I know she wants a bit more excitement. I’ve been planning a rampage for when my suspended sentence period is up. I want to get in touch with our roots, steal a few cars, rob a few pharmacies and finish the night by belting someone who has looked at me the wrong way”.

Gordon has been a virtual no-show in the Perth Magistrates Court this year, only clocking up one attendance, for a minor traffic offence. Court Orderly, Ronald McShmee told us:

"yeh, we all miss Gordo down at the Court house. The way he would stare at witnesses and roll his eyes at the judge. He is one of those bad eggs that you want in your omelette  ya know? "

It is unclear whether Gordon will get his groove back before Misty falls out of love with him. We can only hope that this modern day Bonny and Clyde find what they are looking for. 

Perth Hip Hop Star - I Wish I Was Black

16 July 2013, 7:34am

Perth born hip hop artist, 'De-Raft', has revealed to his fans that he resents being born a Caucasian male, he released the following statement on Monday night:

"Yo heads, life can be cruel, that's how life be. I came into this world as a white man, when clearly, judging  by the way that I talk and these fresh kicks I'm wearing, I should've been born a black man. Not from one of those mosquito countries though, like Detroit or some shit. One love x".

The Bell Tower Times arranged to meet with De-Raft over a pint at the Flying Scotsman in Mount Lawley, we warn that the following interview may confuse some readers:

BTT:        
Thanks for talking to us. When did you first resent being white?

De-Raft:   
Ah, shit son, probably when that Biggie joint dropped, ya know, Hypnotize.  There was just                          no way other white boys were feeling that joint like I was, man.

BTT:       
Totally. do you think your inner African American ever seeps through?

De-Raft: 
Ah yeh, no doubt, no doubt. You see the way I do the hip hop hands when I'm spitting? or how                i greet my friends with "yo dog", or those braids that i got done up in Bali? All that shit.                      Realtalk.

BTT:       
Yes. We do notice that. Has your family been supportive of your battle?

De-Raft:  
Dog, i think they are embarrassed ay. Your turn to buy the next 40 ounce *DMX style                         barking*.

BTT:       
Sure. 

Every once and while you walk away from an interview without having learnt a thing. Not because the interviewee wasn't cooperative, but because he speaks in riddles. You can catch De-Raft perform at the Rosemount Hotel this Saturday night. "Real Talk".

Local Creep Mourns the End of School Holidays

15 July 2013, 2:15pm

61 year old East Fremantle resident, Claude Ottens, updated his Facebook status on Sunday evening to convey his feelings about school holidays ending and the children returning to school, he wrote:

“Looks like old Claude won’t be catching the 106 direct to Perth CBD anymore.  Without the sounds of teenage laughter… there isn't any magic in the city”.

Ottens has a history of posting creepy comments on public forums. In May 2012, he posted in the comments section of News.com.au article about bullying in schools, he wrote:

“Those little rascals. A good tickle will cure what ails them!”

In February 2013 he posted a comment on hit UK band, One Direction’s Facebook page stating:

            “I’v had one of your songs on repeat for the last 16 hours. Very nice boys”.

An anonymous friend of Ottens’ told the Bell Tower Times:

“Claudey should probably give social media a rest. He has come leaps and bounds since he was banned from coming within 200 meters of the Sunday morning Netball on Leach Highway… that was a bit of a low point”.

Oh, Claude. 

South Perth BBQ Brawl - Ugly Scenes at the Foreshore

14 July 2013, 9:10am

Mayhem broke out at the Coode Street Foreshore in South Perth between the Clarkes and the Brogans after the Brogan family failed to clean a public BBQ.

Robert Brogan and his son Dave had used the BBQ to grill up a selection of marinaded meats and low quality Coles sausages. Robert had been cooking for about an hour and was in no mood to wipe down the BBQ which was covered in honey soy and the debris of burnt meat. By all reports the BBQ looked like an 80 year old's underpants after a ride on a roller-coaster.

Ken Clarke approached the BBQ and exchanged a polite nod with Robert as they passed. This was sadly the end of the pleasantries between the two families. Clarke reportedly went ballistic when he saw the state of the BBQ, yelling out to the Brogans: "oi shit for brains... clean up this hot plate!". Robert, who had just settled down to a chicken skewer, reportedly pointed his middle finger at Clarke and advised him to "swivel on it".

Clarke reacted by charging over to the Brogan family and pouring a bowl of creamy potato salad over the head of Brogan's wife, yelling "white trash pieces of shit... you are cruising for a bruising". Both families exchanged a flurry of wild punches and clumsy tackles.

Troy Anderson, a South Perth Ranger was praised for his quick thinking, when he turned on the reticulation to disperse the feuding families, Anderson told the Bell Tower Times:

"the entire fracas reminded me of when my dogs try to hump each other, turning the hose on them always works.... it was a real shame.... that potato salad looked pretty good, man, generous ratio of bacon ya know?".

Neither family could be reached for comment.

Fremantle Docker's Fan Opts for Derby Over Sons Birth

13 July 2013, 3:28pm

Colin Lyons and his wife Patricia are expecting a beautiful baby boy to be delivered this Sunday. The birth inconveniently clashes with the much hyped Western Derby between the Freo Dockers and West Coast Eagles.

Colin has been a die hard Dockers supporter since the team entered the AFL in 1995 and has never missed a Derby. The Bell Tower Times spoke to Colin about the prospects of missing his first Derby, he told  us:

"nup. not happening. i spoke to my wife in the hospital this morning and told her that the Derby is the equivalent of the Dockers grand final and i'd never be able to form an emotional bond with my son if i knew he was responsible for making me miss the big game. Patricia will be fine, shes just lazing about on a bed anyway".

Docker's fans are infamous in Western Australia for taking the Derby too seriously. As we understand it, the Derby  fills the premiership shaped hole in every fan's heart. It is also compounded by the fact that Fremantle fans generally don't have much else to do. 

This is not the first time Colin has wronged his beautiful wife. In 2004, he was late for his own wedding when he thought he spotted Matthew Pavlich buying a pie from Jesters in Victoria Park. A tuxedo-clad Colin leaped from a moving limousine and chased down the man who turned out to be a Greek tourist. 

English Man's Cricket Banter Proves a Little Much for Co-Workers

12 July 2013, 6:56am

Richard Baxendale migrated to Australia in 2010 and commenced work at an accounting firm in East Perth. Baxendale has been known for his lively banter in respect of soccer, the quality of Australian sausages and the fact that "us lot are all convicts innit". 

Baxendale's co-workers always took his banter with a grain of salt, that was until the commencement of the 2013 Ashes Tour at Lords on 10 July 2013. Baxendale relished in the overwhelming consensus that Australia was set for a humiliation.

Office Manager, Roy Cunningham, told the Times:

"Richard came to work after the first day of the Ashes in a particularly obnoxious mood. He took great delight in telling anyone who would listen about the state of the Australian cricket team and how a lack of cohesion had reduced the team to a "steaming pile of horse shit".

Receptionist, Cheryl Smith, told the times:

"he had the German work experience kid up against a wall by the throat, demanding that he pick a side to support in the Ashes, when the kid started to weep, Richard cock-punched him and told him to pull the lederhosen out of his ass and get his priorities right... i think Richard's banter had crossed the line". 

The Times spoke to Baxendale who had gone outside to compose himself after Australia had claimed the wicket of beloved captain Swann, he told us:

"fook-ing Aussie cant take a fook-ing joke, you lot are playing cricket like a bunch of fook-ing bummers... stop looking at me funny ya pencil-dick journo or i'l bounce ya around like a bunny"

It seems Baxendale's passion for the Ashes may see him back in the job market by the months end.

Perth Homeless Man Seeks Dignity or Just the Rest of Your Cigarette

11 July 2013, 11:26 am

Murray Street vagrant, Ronald Walker, is fed up with constantly being ignored and snubbed by the people of Perth. Walker told the Bell Tower Times:

“it really irks me when people just ignore my requests for a little assistance. I am just down on my luck. Is it too much to ask for a little dignity? Or perhaps just the rest of that cigarette you’re smoking?”

Walker’s search for dignity was often marred by angry confrontations by staff at the city’s finest bars when Walker storms in and raids the ash-trays and dregs of drinks remaining on the tables.

After one such incident at the Belgium Beer Café, the Times asked Walker how he thought the raid had gone, he told us:

“yeh, not too bad. All I was trying to do was show the people of Perth city that I exist and that I deserve some dignity… and at the same time fix myself up with a quick puff on a used dart butt and a refreshing sip of whatever”.

If you can help Ronald Walker in his search please contact us.

30 Year Old Still Gots What it Takes for Stereosonics

10 July 2013, 7:48pm

30 year old Dianella resident, Dino Gnoccicelli, still believes he can throw down and party as hard as any other reveler at this years Stereosonic music festival.

Dino embarks on a grueling daily regime of creatine protein shakes, intense personal grooming and a reckless abandon at the cities best tanning beds. Simply put by Dino: "ya gotta be fresh, bra".

Dino told the Bell Tower Times:

"i used to be king dick of the festival scene and letting go has been tougher than expected... man i just want to go out with a bang... I used to get so much ass man".

Dino is expected sweat up a storm and make the sea of 18 year olds uncomfortable with his misguided enthusiasm and his sex offender gaze. There is absolutely no chance that Dino will keep his shirt on.

The Bell Tower Times suggests revelers steer clear of this ageing menace and don't leave him alone with your opened drink.

Local Fat Man Brings Own Chip Bowl to Pub

10 July 2013, 6:05pm

Staff and patrons of the Windsor Hotel in South Perth where left in a state of disbelief when local fat man, Glen Farley, brought a goblet shaped bowl to the Hotel and demanded that it be filled with chips.

Windsor manager, Tory McSmith told reporters that the incident stemmed from Farley's long running beef with the Hotel over the portion size of chips. Farley, described as a "dripping lump" by most, took great exception to handing over $8.00 for a portion of chips that barely touched the sides of his grotesque hunger. McSmith told the Bell Tower Times:

"Farley's bowl was at least twice as large of our standard chip bowl and resembled something out of freaking Indiana Jones... we refused to bow to that fatso's grubby demands. Fuck him and fuck his chip goblet" 

An unpleasant scene broke out after Farley's request to fill his goblet was denied. Farley flailed his flabby arms wildly and demanded to speak to a higher authority. Sensing that he was making a fool of himself, Farley left peacefully.

Farley was last seen walking into Mermaids Fish and Chips located off Millpoint Road.

WA Cafe Charges $8.50 for Cappuccino

10 July 2013, 4:31pm

Yummy Cafe on Claremont's renowned foreshore took the extraordinary step today of announcing their plan to raise the cost of a regular coffee to $8.50. Lee Evans, spokesman for the coffee shop, told reporters that he resented the public and their constant belly-aching about the price of coffee in Perth.

His bold plan aims to eliminate the possibility of a bargain hunter walking into his shop. Lee told the Bell Tower Times:

"the coffee will taste extra good because your experience wont be drowned out by the constant pining over the price and quality of coffee in Melbourne... if you don't like the price, tough shit".

The move is bound to anger some members of the public, while also adding to the ever growing sense of self satisfaction that Claremont is known and loved for.

Tour de France Sends Riders Into Frenzy

10 July 2013, 4:05pm

Perth motorists are being warned to exercise caution on the roads after the Tour de France kicked off last week. Commissioner of Police,  Karl O'Callaghan, released the following media statement today:

"The Tour really sends these bike enthusiasts over the edge. Motorists are warned to exercise extreme caution around Mounts Bay Road, Stirling Highway and  all coastal roads... people out for a coffee on a Sunday morning are also warned that Cafe's will be infested with stomach churning Lycra and the stench of smugness".

The Bell Tower Times hit the streets of Perth and asked the residents how they planned to deal with the influx of pelaton wankers throughout the duration of the Tour de France:

• Barry "Mad-Dog" Kerns from Kwinana says he will probably need physiotherapy on his middle finger by the months end;
• Preston Keith from Claremont says he will be embracing the tight bodied men zipping around the streets like ancient Greek gods;
• Kelly O'Mara from West Perth says she will be working on a good alibi as it was already 'too late'.

Perthians are encouraged to enjoy the amateur Tour de France madness, it's the closest thing to an international event that we are going to get.

Belmont Man Makes a Pig of Himself at Acquaintance's Wedding

10 July 2013, 11:05am

Trisha Martin and Johnny Randow tied the knot at the South Perth Yacht Club on 9 July 2013. By most reports the night was a roaring success, soured only by one man’s insatiable disregard for social etiquette.

Belmont man, Randy Flanagan started the night poorly by ignoring the dress code and attending the suave function in  a pair of cargo shorts and short sleeved buttoned up shirt.

Onlookers were further disgusted at his relentless attacks on the trays of exquisite canapes that were being circulated by the caterers.  The Bell Tower Times spoke to Natasha Snedden, who was reduced to a sobbing mess in the corner by 9:00pm, she told the Times:

“that man is a pig. Who is this man? Who invited him? He has not stopped scoffing food down his fat face the entire night and speaks while he is chewing!”

It seems Randy wasn't content with horrifying guests with his gluttony, when by 11:30pm he had begun leering and making sexually inappropriate comments to the female guests, urging one male patron who was dancing with his girlfriend to “give her one for me”.

The night reached a surreal climax when Randy stormed out of the toilet and declared to a shocked guest, “shitters full, give it 15 minutes”.  By all reports, the stench seeping from the room was enough to curdle milk.

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