The Human Zoo - The P-Dawg - PART 1

The P-Dawg was invited by a friend to a group dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant. He arrives early. American flag polo shirt, Chinos and sickening levels of enthusiasm. It is apparent he is American.

"Hey bro, my name is Phil, but call me P-Dawg". The group settles. P-Dawg calls a waiter over, "can we grab enough dim sims for the table?". The waiter politely advises him "we do not have dim sims".

P-Dawg looks frustrated and puzzled. "Bro, I was banging this Vietnamese freshman last summer, I think I know what a dim sim is bro". The table apologies on his behalf.

The group begins eating their Pho and rice paper rolls. P-Dawg is uncomfortable with the brief serenity - "so any of you guys ever done a panty-raid?". A member of the group looks up, "what?". P-Dawg's eyes light up with freedom. He begins to explain the intricate details of sneaking into "freshman slut's" rooms and stealing their underwear.

"Sex criminal" the table thinks.

P-Dawg, desperate to be loved, suggests they go out for "shooters" and "pitchers of bud". P-Dawg wont be raiding any of this group's undergarments tonight. Not ever.

The Human Zoo - The Little Unit - PART 1

The Little Unit corners a new employee at the fish and chip store: "we have a little joke in my family - you know how Asians always have straight hair? Well, I bet their pubes are straight too HA!"

The new employee is stunned. A dear in the headlights. Little Unit keeps staring, waiting for the gratification of a laugh. The employee smirks and says "thats a good one, mate". Its not. Its barely a joke.

The Little Unit is putting off his managerial duties. He walks up to the grillsman. Nods his head and says "look at all these customers staring at the footy game. I was asked to try out for the Freo Dockers when I was 18 ya know". The grillsman sighs - he is used to the sounds of Little Unit's flaming bullshit.

Still searching for attention, Little Unit approaches a 16 year old who is stationed at the till. "You ever experienced the raw power of a 1988 Mazda Rx7?". She shakes her head. "Well then, maybe I'll give you a ride to your inter-school swimming carnival then". Gross.

The Human Zoo - The Degenerate - PART 2

Part 2 - Go-Karting

The Degenerate sits down to breakfast - baked beans and two lines of speed. Its go-karting day. Slips on his best Holden Racing Team jacket. Ready to go. 

At the track he greets the staff. "Not this fucking idiot" mutters the manager. The Degenerate chooses his favourite go-kart and becomes increasingly irate when he cant quite get comfortable in his seat - "fucking dog seat, this is fucked". He takes an unauthorized warm up lap and lights up a cigarette. "I really cant deal with this moron today" - the manager thinks. 

"Thats it mate, you're out, you're banned". The Degenerate deals with the news poorly. He chicken-walks around the track ranting and raving about "his rights" and "fucking dogs". Growing increasingly irate, he warns the staff that he will make arrangement for Today Tonight to "be all over this act of doggery".

On his way home, the Degenerate drops a burnout a sik burnout and thinks "fuck, I think I left me kid unattended again".

The Human Zoo - The Pig's Trail of Destruction - PART 2

Part 2 - Sizzlers

It is the happiest day of the Pig's life. His daughter is getting married. The reception has been booked. 6:30pm at Sizzlers. The Pig can barely contain his excitement. 

While waiting to be seated a young waiter approaches with a plate of complimentary cheese toast. The Pig grasps the mans arm, "come here, son". His fat hand is sweaty and grabs 3 pieces of cheese toast in one foul swoop. Oil drips on his belly that is sticking out of his formal shirt. The buttons are under much strain. 

"Surf and Turf" he snorts at the lady taking his order. "Outta the way" he speed-waddles to the salad bar. It is time. He constructs a mountain of nachos with potato wedges littered in between the chips. He dips his finger into a creamy looking soup - "not enough cream" he grumbles. He repeats this grim routine three times before his main course arrives. Three mountainous plates down his gullet. 

"I need to make some room, luv" - he indiscreetly blurts out to his table. Within moments the restaurant is filled with the sounds of the Pig throwing up in the toilet. He isn't finished consuming yet and he wont let a full belly get in his way. After the chorus of chundering the restaurant is treated to the sound of the Pig's mightiest fart. Almost like a battle-horn being sound. 

He returns to his table - "this has been an excellent wedding". 

The Human Zoo - The Chilli King - PART 1

Part 1 - Chocolate Milk

The Chilli King discovers a burger joint that claims to have the worlds hottest burger. Challenge accepted. He grabs his tub of sour cream from the fridge and drives to the spot. 

If he finishes the burger in 40 minutes it's free. His technique is flawless and between greedy spoonfuls of sour cream, he defeats the burger. "Thats'a spicy meatball!" he proclaims in a racist Italian accent. The Chilli King doesn't pay for the burger. But there is no such thing as a free lunch. 

The Chilli King retires to bed. 3:05am, he wakes up with a stomach ache. He walks to his parents fridge and drinks some chocolate milk. The milk neutralizes the burning chilli in his gut. He goes back to bed. 5:15am, he wakes up needing to piss like a racehorse. As the urine gushes out, his face turns to horror. Chilli has soaked into his urinary tract and he is pissing hot fire. 

In agony he runs from the toilet and frantically grabs the chocolate milk. He stands in his kitchen, pouring and rubbing the chocolate milk all over his dick. Groaning in relief and oblivious to his mother sitting down for her morning breakfast. They lock eyes, his dick still in hand and dripping with chocolate milk. His mother leaves the room. 

His mother never bought chocolate milk for the household again. 

The Human Zoo - The Degenerate - PART 1

Part 1 - The Missing (Centre) Link

"Aw me phones outta credit again" - the Degenerate enters a payphone in Belmont. He dials Centrelink. A brief exchange is had between the Degenerate and a customer service operator. "I am going to fire bomb you drongos where is my money you fucking pelicans!". A few more words are exchanged. The Degenerate goes absolutely skitzo in the payphone. Smashing the phone and repeatedly headbutts the plastic. 

The Degenerate adjusts his Adidas snap pants and walks towards his Ford Falcon. "Sorry luv, we cant afford the bourbon and the baby food, she'll have to eat some of your left over Whopper and chips".

On the Degenerate's hoon home he rants at length about "pigs with blow dryers ruining his life". He clips a medium stripe, maintains control and mutters to himself, "King of Bathurst".   

At home the Degenerate kicks off his work boots and retires to his lazy-boy. He pours his first bourbon. It wont be his last, not by a long shot. 

The Human Zoo - Trust Fund Baby - PART 2

Part 2 - I'm on a Boat, Bitch

Trust Fund fires up his Porsche Cayenne. He begins his drive to the yacht club. Windows down, the latest David Guetta song blares from his stereo. Trust Fund fist pumps in an intense manner. He pulls up next to a Holden Barina filled with woman - "youse wish you could roll like this, babbbbbbyyyyy". 

At the yacht club his behaviour doesn't improve. He spots a young staff member, starts flexing his arms - "take these eskies to my  BOAT bra, I gotta oil up my Tech-9's". The young staff member sighs in defeat. No battles can be won against a man who refers to his biceps as Tech-9 automatic weapons.  

Trust Fund's guests meet him at his boat. Shirt is already off and he is sporting a captains hat. "Nice hat, bra" says a knuckle-dragger. "No shit baby, Hugo Boss all day errry day". His comments go unchallenged. 

Trust Fund recklessly navigates his boat to the open water. Throttle down. "WOOO", "FUCK YEH", "WOOO" as he fist pumps for 3 minutes straight.  

He speeds past a small fishing vessel causing some turbulence - "peasant fisherman" he booms from his captains deck. The knuckle-draggers on board laugh and slap each others hands. 

The Human Zoo: The Adventures of Hobo Heart - PART 2

Part 2 - Office Life

Hobo Heart returns from Friday lunch drinks. The third pint was probably one too many. "I'll just camp out in the shitter until I'm less drunk" he says to himself in the elevator. 

20 minutes passes and Hobo Heart is on top of his inebriation. He re-enters the office eco-system. He notices a memo on his desk. Its from a coworker asking him to help out with some research - "it's Friday afternoon for fucks sake". Hobo Heart storms to his coworkers office to have some words. He isn't back from lunch yet. Hobo Heart pauses - picks up the coworkers stapler - places it in the bin. "Asshole" he thinks to himself.

Hobo Heart stares blankly at  his computer screen. Unmotivated and dreaming of his next frothy beer. "I am off to the Supreme Court Library to help old mate out with some research" - Hobo Heart's boss is impressed - the illusion of dedication is ripe in the air. 

Hobo Heart walks vaguely towards the library. He veers sharply down an alleyway, suddenly... Gunky Gill appears. "Lets go smoke some darts down by the Lucky Shag ay?" It was a proposition Hobo Heart could not refuse. After 4 Benson & Hedges' Hobo Heart turns to Gunky Gill and says, "life is like a pack of darts - because it's fucking brilliant". Hobo Heart has found a slice of freedom once more. 

The Human Zoo: Officer Turmoil - Part 2

Part 2 - Cleaning Up the Streets

Officer Turmoil slowly drives through the streets of Highgate at 3:00am on a rainy Sunday morning. He spots a male prostitute and instinctively pulls over. "How much? scumbag". Nervously, the male prostitute responds, "$150 bucks big boy". 

Officer Turmoil gestures for the man-whore to get in his car. He pulls over in a car park near a soccer oval. He grips his steering wheel firmly, he keeps his eyes forward and grunts "give me a dose of street justice, you piece of shit". Aggressive love is made.

After the deed is done, Office Turmoil grins, "big mistake", Officer Turmoil pulls out his badge and slaps a pair of handcuffs on the prostitute. "Do you think its OK to go around bumming straight men? I will end you, son". The prostitute is scared and confused. Officer Turmoil says a Hail Mary through gritted teeth. Prostitute is charged with being a prostitute. 

Officer Turmoil drive to a 24/7 Petrol Station - microwave meal for 1. He drifts off into an angry slumber. 

The Human Zoo: Trust Fund Baby - Part 1

Part 1 - Started from the bottom

Trust Fund sits in a corner office of his father's stockbroking firm. He logs onto his internet banking, views his balance, fist pumps multiple times. He prints the statement - deciding to send a copy to every printer in the office - "bitches gotta know, bra". 

It is already 9:05am and Trust Fund hasn't received any social media notifications. He searches through his mobile phone photos, ah yes - time to post a photo from Ibiza 2008 - the photo where he is on a boat and mingling with some bikini-clad woman. Trust Fund Instagrams the image with the caption "#thuglife". He lays in wait, emotionless, expressionless and anxious. Great success, someone likes the photo. "yeh that slut craves it",  he thinks to himself while delivering a few more wild fist pumps. 

Trust Fund's unquenchable thirst for social media gratification grinds away at him. He logs onto Facebook and updates his status: "Life is a gift, I started from the bottom and now I'm here! Never let anyone say you cant follow your dreams #thuglife". He receives 10 likes in 5 minutes. He fist pumps so violently that he spills some coffee on his Gucci business shirt. 

He calls his secretary, "babe, run down to David Jones and pick me up another Gucci would you? I don't do coffee stains babe". 

Her skin crawls. 

The Human Zoo: Officer Turmoil - Part 1

Part 1 - Justice Served

"I'm gonna put this cunts head through his own windscreen", he thinks to himself as he pulls over a motorist for doing 5kph over the speed limit. Officer Turmoil adjusts his hat, checks his gun holster and walks towards the offending motorist.

The motorist banters, "Sorry Officer, I was speeding to get home to watch the Eagles!". Officer Turmoil needs a moment to compose himself. He stares at the motorists face, sweaty, nervous and dripping with guilt.  "Shut the fuck up ,shit-eel". Officer Turmoil firmly grasps the stress ball in his pocket as he remembers his mandatory anger management counseling.   

"Blow into here and stop when I say so". The motorist attempts to lighten the mood with more banter, "I wish I could say that to my wife ha!". A mighty storm of confusion and anger is now brewing in Officer Turmoil's heart. He grips the stress ball, the anger doesn't leave him. "Are you implying that I am some fuck boy that asks men to blow my breathalyser?" . The motorist shakes his head in fear. 

Officer Turmoil writes a ticket and walks back to his Holden Commodore. He fires off a text message to his ex-wife, "tell me I am not a faggot". No reply. 

Officer Turmoil goes home, he heats up a can of Campbell's Big Eat soup. He loads GTA 5 in his Playstation. Spends his night running over pedestrians while laughing out loud.

The Human Zoo - The Pig's Trail of Destruction - Part 1

Part 1 - Entree`

The Pig searches through his wardrobe for his extra loose pants. Only a few stains, nothing a wet tea-towel cant sort out. A belt wont be necessary, not for tonight. 

The dinner party starts in 40minutes. The Pig's wife is still getting ready. The platter that they are bringing to party is vulnerable, juicy and alone. The Pig picks at some salami and cheese cubes. "Hurry up darl I'm wasting away here".

The Pig arrives at the dinner party at 6:45pm. It's a cool and still night. Ideal conditions for gluttony. The Pig does a quick lap of the room and greets some old friends. He turns to Phil: "Is your daughter legal yet Phil, ha ha", he snorts while Phil recoils in disgust. 

The Pig slams his hand into a bowl of Doritos. Chips overflowing, falling onto the carpet. The Pig whips his hands on his extra loose pants before he sits down for the meal. The Pig stacks his plate with roasted delights, potato salad and bread rolls. He helps himself to seconds, then thirds. No one has even finished their first plate. 

The Pig's wine glass is once again empty. No problem, there is some wine left in the bottle. Fills his glass to the brim, draining the last of the wine. The host stares at him, "at LEAST pour a little for your wife!". The Pig grunts, "she can be a real asshole when she drinks, better off in me ha ha". He leans back and disengages the top button of his pants. Satisfied, sweaty, proud.

The Human Zoo: The Desperado - Part 1

Part 1 - Sexual Healing 

Desperado's crusty Mac Book Pro emits a familiar notification tone. Desperado leaps to attention and reads the notification from his Asian friend, Natasha - "keen for lunch?" Desperado feigns disinterest and waits 10 seconds to respond - "sure!!!!" He sprays his nether-regions with Lynx Java. 

Desperado types into the Facebook search bar - Asian Nudes. He likes the page. He is ready to go.

On route to the Wembley Hotel, Desperado pulls into a petrol station and purchases medium sized ribbed condoms - "just in case she wants the D" he says to himself. 

Natasha bores Desperado with details of an argument with her boyfriend. He pictures Natasha naked while he plays with his mashed potato. Suddenly, "I'll kill him if he hurts you Natasha". Natasha wonders why she bothers catching up with Desperado.

At home, Desperado watches Asian smut while wearing his kimono. 

THE HUMAN ZOO: The Adventures of Hobo Heart - Part 1

PART 1:  RUDE AWAKENING 

Hobo Heart's alarm sounds at 6:45am. His favourite James Blunt song blares out of his 2008 Nokia mobile. Angry, he rolls out of bed and shuffles to his bed side table to examine whats left of the nights takings. A few sips of Woodstock remain in a can and some chopped up marijuana. Hobo Heart swigs the can and then fashions it into a crude can-bong. He inhales. For a moment, he is free. 

Hobo Heart boards the 170 Bus from Albany Highway in Victoria Park. He sits next to a mouth-breather who has keypad tones activated on his phone. Hobo Heart closes his eyes and dreams of committing unspeakable acts against the mouth-breather. He smiles, if only for a moment, Hobo Heart is free. 

The 170 rolls onto St Georges Terrace at 7:45am. Hobo Heart alights the bus and walks towards an alley way. Hobo Heart slaps the hands of his constituents - Barry and Gunky Gill, two resident CBD bums that Hobo Heart has formed a close bond with. Gunky Gill offers Hobo Heart a swig on his tawny port. Hobo Heart declines, "not before 11:00am Bill", a blatant lie. 

Hobo Heart proceeds to the Perth Magistrates' Court where he meets his client, a lowlife that was caught robbing charity boxes. Hobo Heart looks the lowlife in the eyes, takes a deep breath, "did you see the tits on that chick, mate?".  If only for a moment, they are both free. 

Outrageous: Notorious Slacker Calls in Sick With Hepatitis

12 June 2014, 9:00am

It is Thursday morning at Meat Packing Inc. Staff slowly filter in and enjoy a piping hot Nespresso coffee while checking their emails. To no ones surprise, Kevin McKaw has sent an office wide email advising that he is too ill to attend work.

In the last 3 years, McKaw has taken an outstanding, 55 sick days for a myriad of creative and semi-believable excuses: gastro, the flu, migraine headache, toothache, the list goes on.

However, on this cold Thursday morning, McKaw tried to go claim the holy grail of sick leave excuses: that he had contracted hepatitis while assisting refugees the night before. A claim so bold, that management shook their heads in disbelief.

We spoke to McKaw, who is currently on the 5th hole at Wembley Golf Course, he told us:

"Yeh, nah, turns out I didn't do me research on that one. Apparently hepatitis is a chronic disease of the liver mate. I didn't even specify which strain it was: A,B,C.... well fair to say I got an F ha ha! Yeh, nah, also turns out, that you really cant "come down" with hepatitis overnight. Work can blow it out its arse though, I'll fight them, mate". 

We contacted the HR manager at Meat Packing Inc. Who told us:

"Kevin is a few dumplings short of a Dim Sum, if you catch our drift. We will certainly request proof of this very serious disease, if he expects to get paid for today's absence. The most unbelievable part of the story is that Kevin was helping refugees, he has a "fuck off we're full" sticker on his ute!". 

Feel better soon Kev.

Abraham Lincoln Impersonators Down on Luck

The Jimmingtons searching for toothbrushes and other essential items

11 June 2014

For generations, the Jimmgton family have been proud Abraham Lincoln impersonators and have carved a niche in the lucrative world of dead presidents.

Unfortunately, due to factors such as the global recession, Tony Abbott and China's fading hunger for our nations iron ore, the Australian public just aren't spending their hard earned money on recreations of Abraham freeing slaves or fighting vampires.

Spare a moment to consider the Jimmgtons, as their relevance begins to resemble the trash they so solemnly wade through.

New STD Named After "What Really Happens in Bali" Star

9 June 2014, 5:40pm

Todd Gisondi is a shining example of a moron seeking fame through making a complete dick of himself on TV.  He recently stared in Chanel 7's "What Really Happens in Bali", where he made claims that he bedded up to 3 woman a night and never used a condom.

This deadlocked, tribal tattooed, Big Brother contestant wannabe, sought and achieved fame. Perhaps it wasn't the fame he was looking for though. Scientists at a leading sexual health clinic have decided to name a new strain of aggressive genital herpes after the self professed "sex addict": Toddy's Simplex 2.

The Toddy's Simplex strain of herpes leaves horrible cold sores on your genitals but it also effects judgment, to the point where you might go on national TV and tell Australia that you don't "believe" in condoms.

Get a grip Todd.

Tiger Airway Cancellations Determined by Wheel of Inconvenience

3 June 2014, 9:15am

An insider has recently lifted the lid on Tiger Airways most guarded secret - their method of deciding which bullshit story to spin to paying customers when they cancel flights. 

The operational management team have a "Wheel of Inconvenience" that they use to determine the official reason for cancelling flights, during a ceremony called "The Roar of the Tiger".

To inject a bit of fun into The Roar of the Tiger, senior executives can win prizes based on which wedge the arrow lands. If an executive spins the dial and lands on "Drunk Pilot", they win a bottle of 1956's Penfolds Grange, whereas if the arrow lands on "Staff Strike", the executive wins a sky-diving adventure with Richard Branson.

Some people will accuse Tiger Airways of being non-nonchalant and generally uncaring with their cancellation policy, however, in fairness- YOU are the one trying to save money.

So, next time you have a dig at Tiger Airways, for arbitrarily cancelling your flight (real reason: because they didn't fill up every single seat with some wheezing mouth-breather), remember, you are just a shit-eater in the great unwashed masses.

Perth Woman's Intense Alarm System Out of Control

2 June 2014, 10:30am

Kelly Samington, 24, hates her job and finds it increasingly difficult to spring out of bed in the morning when her alarm goes off.

In 2013, Kelly could rely on a single alarm and enjoyed waking up to a whale song ringtone that she downloaded. Fast forward 6 months, and Kelly has been forced to design an intense and intricate alarm system to help her get up.

Kelly's system works like this:

- Her first alarm sounds at 6:23. She will hit snooze at least twice.
- A secondary emergency alarm will then sound at 6:30 - typically, Kelly will accidentally turn this alarm off with her hammy fingers.
- A safety net alarm will then sound at 7:45, this time represents the latest she can stay in bed without being late for work.
- Two further alarms sound at 7:48 and 7:50. These alarms are the last line of defence in Kelly's morning ritual.

By the time Kelly gets out of bed (typically 7:15), her phone battery is already on 60% given the number of alarms sounding and the extreme number of interactions she has with her phone- to hit snooze and occasionally to set a new alarm - including particularly desperate times when she sets a new alarm to sound in 1 minutes time.

Kelly's housemates cant stand her annoying alarms going off every fricking second of the morning. Kelly is out of control.

Sort your shit out Kelly.

RSPCA Outrage at Elephant Seal's Manslaughter Conviction

29 May 2014, 1:00pm

The RSPCA is outraged that Stevie the Elephant Seal (pictured) was convicted of Manslaughter in connection to an incident where the blubbery mammal attacked and unintentionally killed a patron at the Ocean Beach Hotel in 2013.

The animal rights group claim that the State's prisons do not have the necessary enclosure to house the 1/2 tonne animal and that he will be targeted by inmates if he is given special privileges - such as enjoying seafood each day and playing with his beach ball.

A spokesperson for the RSCPA told The Bell Tower Times:

"We understand that Stevie did a bad thing, but we do not feel that large sea based mammals belong in the same environment as hardened criminals. Stevie would be much better suited for the Perth Zoo or alternatively, a period of isolated seclusion in the Antarctic waters, where he migrates each year to breed".

Nevertheless, the Department of Public Prosecutions is determined to make an examples of this renegade Elephant Seal and has indicated that they would be opposing any plea for leniency.

In another fierce blow for Stevie, Ocean World in Queensland declined his job application to be the main attraction this summer, stating that they couldn't risk the 500kg behemoth attacking their trainers or hotdog stands.

Looks like Stevie went barking up the wrong tree. Owf! Owf!

Balinese Running Amok in Australia

Northbridge, Chapel St, Kings Cross and Darwin CBD have become hotbeds of drunken Balinese bogans causing mayhem and destruction. 

The loutish, tattooed Balinese flock to Australia in droves as the mining boom has flooded their tiny island with FIFO wealth. The average Australian spends a staggering $2,500.00 in Bali during the course of their 1-2 week vacation. When you consider the number of Aussies who holiday on the island, it is no surprise that the Bali economy is booming.

Balinese party-animals can be seen vomiting on the street in popular party districts such as Northbridge, Perth or Chapel Street in Melbourne. One Western Australian police officer told The Bell Tower Times:

"They (Balinese) storm into our nightspots wearing singlets and board shorts. They rudely attempt to barter with bartenders and when they don't get their way, they break neon signs and the like. The Balinese have studied the Aussie bogan, and they have learnt how to utilise obnoxiousness to get their way".

The problem is so bad, that many scooter companies have refused to rent out their scooters to the Balinese, noting that they are sick of "these drunken hooligans treating our streets like a game of Mario Kart". 

It is feared that in time, the Balinese will adopt Australia Day as their unofficial drinking Olympics, and give the flag-waving Aussies a run for their money.

Man Kills Penis By Injecting Erection Nasal Spray

Karl Reid, 25, was admitted to Royal Perth Hospital on Sunday night, complaining of an erection that he had endured for a staggering two weeks. 

Reid advised the Emergency Department staff that the erection had stemmed from Reid injecting the fluid contained in a popular nasal impotence spray, directly into his blue vain, in an attempt to cure his nagging impotence.

A doctor on duty told The Bell Tower Times:

"At first we were perplexed at why someone would inject the fluid rather than inhale it nasally, as it was intended for. He told us that he suffered from severe impotence but was also a chronic masturbater. The unique combination of disorders meant that he was sniffing the spray up to 10 times per day and literally burning his nose off. He made the decision to inject the fluid instead".

Unfortunately for Reid, his penis was declared legally dead on arrival. Instead of amputating the lifeless appendage, his doctor proposed a radical surgery - to install a pump in his scrotum, that would allow the keen masterbater to "pump up" his erection when he was getting intimate with a partner. Sadly, Reid will never have feeling in his penis again, however the ability to pump up an erection will at least allow him to participate in sex.

Reid is now known as "Reebok Balls" by his friends, who also note that he is "the dumbest motherfucker on the planet".

Reid declined to comment.

Office Snitch Exposed As A Catfish

19 May 2014, 7:00am

Dwayne Conelley, 32, has a fierce reputation as the Office snitch at the IT firm he works for.

In 2013, Dwayne successfully informed on 12 employees for indiscretions ranging from drinking at lunchtime to stealing printing paper for personal use.

In early 2014, Dwayne changed the way he snitched. He was no longer satisfied with  being at the "right place at the right time", he decided to become a snitch detective and go out of his way to "bust" his work mates.

Dwayne entered the dangerous world of Catfishing. He set up a fake Facebook, Instagram and Twitter profile using the photo of an attractive young lady. He found that it wasn't difficult to get a bunch of lonely IT nerds to accept his friend requests.

Dwayne wasn't shy to say the least, he told The Bell Tower Times:

" I would lead the conversations towards sex and vice. I struck gold on my first day of Catfishing. The intern told me that he often masturbated in the office toilet after he spoke to an attractive female client of the firm. Needless to say, I informed on him the following day. He was taken off that file and I volunteered to replace him".

 We put it to Dwayne that his catfishing could be considered horrible, he responded:

"some men get ahead on merit and others by Catfishing. I was able to facilitate a confession from Max, regarding the pilfering of a bottle of Jack Daniels at the office Christmas party. I informed on that prick too. I didn't really get anything from that, but fuck them for excluding me from the drinking of it".

 It seems that Catfishing is now the most powerful tool in a snitches arsenal. 

Local Drug Dealer "Stoked" At 2014 Budget

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Rockingham Couple Replace Wedding Rings for Holden Jackets

13 May 2014, 7:00am

Karl Andrews and Leteesha Faulkner held their marriage ceremony last Sunday on the tarmac of the Kwinana Motorplex.

The wedding was unconventional to say the least. Leteesha's father walked the bride down the isle while puffing on a Winnie blue and giving his daughter a slap on the ass.

Karl also sought to break boundaries by sipping on a can of Jim Beam at the alter. Each of his groomsmen where dressed in Holden Racing Team polo shirts and had matching cans of Beam.

The weddings most surreal moment came when the bloke marrying them (Karl's shift manager on Mondee's) invited the couple to exchange their wedding rings. A guest at the wedding told The Bell Tower Times that Karl interupted and barked:

"No. NO. We ain't some suit wearing poofters mate, no rings for us, as a sign of our love, me and me lovely missus have decided to exchange Holden Racing Team jackets and let me tell you son, I didn't take me last one off for 290 consecutive weeks, so this one will be on for life".

 After the jackets were exchanged, some guy called Baz, fired up his Monaro and dropped the mother of all burnouts, at one point losing control and almost colliding with the bridal party. 

By all accounts the wedding was a success and the party kicked on the at the Swinging Pig in Rockingham, where Karl and Leteesha consummated their love on the pool table in front of their adoring friends. 

What a touching day.

Perth Loses Mind Over the Great Perth Storm

8 May 2014, 9:00am

Perth was the victim of an absolutely mauling last night - 45mm of rain, thunder and strong winds. Thankfully, Perth survived another round with the "Great Perth Storm".

As per usual, Perthians took to social media to post photos of the storms destructive wake. A few roofs were blown off buildings and the State's pot plants copped an absolute battering. Drivers took the petal off the metal and at 9:00pm the Mitchell Freeway was flowing at a blistering 25kph. Needless to say, the Great Perth Storm of 7 May 2014 was a real talking point in break rooms across the state today.  

Nothing whips Perth into a frenzy like enduring a relatively mild storm. Office managers across the state were diligent to send their staffers an email yesterday afternoon, advising them to drive with caution and be careful of the storm. We are yet to have a member of the public credit such an email to their survival, but surely lives were saved.

Shit-talkers and One-upsman were on fire this morning, with an estimated 10,000 bullshit storm stories being spun by 9:00am in workplaces and chatrooms across the State.

Stay safe Perth, you never know when another mild storm may strike.

Buswell Apologises to Parliament with Heart-Warming Finger Painting

6 May 2014, 10:45am

Colin Barnett has welcomed back Troy Buswell with open arms today in Parliament after Buswell presented a finger-painting that he had created during his hiatus.

Buswell is facing criminal charges in connection to his drunk driving rampage that left a trail of destruction on Roberts Road in Subiaco after a night of heavy drinking at a wedding in Kings Park. Despite the serious nature of his charges, Barnett decided to let bygones be bygones after receiving the heart-warming fingering painting.

A confidential source close to the Premier told The Bell Tower Times:

"Buswell isn't some civilian shit muncher. He is good friends with all the power-brokers in Western Australia. Colin was faced with the hardest task a politician could do - face sacking a mate and see that mate lose all his Government perks and golden handshakes. Needless to say, Colin was simply not capable of delivering that blow. Plus the drawing was quite endearing". 

The public are understandably furious at Buswell's return to Parliament. Some have described Buswell as a "one man bucks party" and feel that binge drinking, chair sniffing, bra snapping, dry-humping and re-enacting GTA on Roberts Road are not activities befitting a politician. Hard to disagree.

We understand that Buswell is working on an apology scrapbook containing drawings, poems and interesting newspaper clippings, to present to the Magistrates at his sentencing.

MasterChef Fist Fight: Preston Clogs Toilet (again)

5 May 2014, 6:00pm

The nation has been rocked by two high profile fist fights today - one between James Packer and some bozo, the other, between Matt Preston and George Calombaris.

Just hours before tonight's much anticipated episode, Calombaris allegedly came barreling into the green room and throw a massive right hook at the behemoth-esque Preston. Onlookers reported Calombaris screaming about the star's toilet being blocked and "overflowing with Preston grade shit". 

Preston allegedly flung into a rage and called Calombaris a "pudgy-eyed turtle-whacker" before unleashing a bevy of ham-fisted death swings at the perverted little Greek man.

Insiders tell The Bell Tower Times that Preston is infamous for clogging up toilets and Calombaris is most aggrieved because he likes to write his recipes while enjoying the ambiance of the men's toilet. A fist fight was bound to happen.

News Corp tried to offer The Bell Tower Times $200,000.00 for exclusive rights to this story, we told them to go and steal some shit off BuzzFeed.

 
 

Western Derby: "The Dockers Grand Final"

4 May 2014, 7:30am

It is the morning of the Western Derby. Ross Lyon is polishing the little trophies he bought for his players in anticipation for their most significant victory of the year.

Lyon told The Bell Tower Times:

"Winning the Derby is our top priority. Over the years we have accepted that we are unlikely to win a premiership cup, so the fans and the players consider the Derby our unofficial grand final".

One unemployed Fremantle fan passed up a trial shift at Hungry Jacks to attend todays Derby:

"Strewth. Me and the kids will be eating canned and frozen food for the next fortnight. These tickets cost me a bomb".

 Star midfielder Nat Fyfe told The Bell Tower Times:

"It'd be great for the young blokes at the footy club to get one of Ross' Derby Victory Trophies. The post Derby ceremony usually goes down at Sizzler, it's a lot of fun. On a side note, you should see Sandilands at the salad bar, christ almighty".

The Dockers are heavy favourites to win today's Derby at 1.50 odds. West Coast will need to dig deep if they are going to dash the Docker's dream of another Docker's Derby Grand Final.

All of this begs the question: how many Ross Lyon Derby Trophies does it take to equal 1 premiership cup? Rhetorical question.  
 

Curtin Uni: Tough Guys Cry Into Their Pillows the Hardest

30 April 2014, 7:30am

Curtin University has conducted a land breaking study to smash some  myths surrounding muscle bound tough guys who refuse to show any signs of weakness in public. The results are startling: the tougher the bloke, the harder he cries into his pillow at night. 

According to the study, blokes who show an excessive amount of bravado in their day to day lives are prone to crippling bouts of self loathing and inner turmoil. 

One case study was "Bruce". The researchers found that Bruce would tell his workmates to "toughen the fuck up" about 10 times per day on average. However, when probed, Bruce finally admitted that he spent twenty minutes naked and crying on the shower floor, when the Eagles lost the Grand Final in 2005.

The study goes further to suggest, that outwards signs of masculinity can be used by blokes to avoid showing emotion in public. 

Another case study, found that Rocco, a 25 year old Bikie, was borderline "unbearable" to be around. He would accuse everyone of being a "poof" and once glassed a stranger for ordering a "faggy" gin & tonic at a bar. After intense probing by the researchers, Rocco revealed that he once wrote his mothers name on a packet of sausages and paid a male escort to beat him with the packet until he stopped crying.

Once again, money being spent on research to prove things we already know. 

#MKR: Chloe & Kelly Had Vision of Winning During Maasai Ceremony in Serengeti

29 April 2014, 8:00am

"Fuck the haters, yo" - a sentiment that is being echoed by all Chloe and Kelly fans of the popular reality TV show MKR.

The shows decision to cast Chloe and Kelly in the season's grand final has angered fans and as usual, those fans took to twitter to express their burning hatred of the two WA girls. However, angry Tweeters have failed to realize that the show's outcome was predetermined many moons ago, not just by the sleazy producers of the show, but in a vision Chloe and Kelly had while attending an exclusive ceremony with the Maasai tribes people in the Serengeti.

Chloe and Kelly hiked for 3 days with the Maasai people through the Serengeti, living off psychedelic roots and feasting on the rarest berries that only flower for non-Contiki tourists. In their words, it wasn't so much a trek, but a "spiritual enlightenment of a seasoned traveler" and "off the beaten track doesn't even begin to describe it". 

During the ceremony, Chloe and Kelly sipped on the Elder's Tea - a powerful concoction of ingredients you have never heard of, and probably never will (go backpack through Europe you peasants). The Elder's Tea granted Chloe and Kelly access to the Maasai spirit world, where they were visited by the butterball Manu and the Botox-bot Evans. They told The Bell Tower Times that in this vision Manu muttered incomprehensibly and Evans told them that they were the "Heroes of the Dish".

Given that the South Aussie mums have probably only ever traveled to help out in their children's school's tuck shops, it is clear that the WA duo will take out the crown.

We shall watch in anticipation.

Eddie Maguire Powerless to Stop Saying Stupid Shit

28 May 2014, 7:00am

We will never know how this Mr Toad looking boofhead became so famous and successful. He has the easy-going charisma of a corporate chair sniffer and is prone to the most severe case of "foot in mouth" we have ever seen.

In recent times, he has referred to Western Sydney as the land of the felafel, said he wanted to bone Jessica Rowe, suggested Adam Goodes attend the opening of King Kong and last night, he called Chad Cornes a "cunt" on air (he is, but you cant say it Ed).

Ed always has the same excuse also - "of course I never meant to say what I did, how do you expect a grown man to have any control over what shit falls out of his fat mouth?". Until recently, third parties have always been at the root of Ed's stupid comments. However, an industry insider has told us that Ed once embarked on a bizarre rant on the set of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, he was telling a young female intern:

"I am not a pervert, I simply pay hookers to watch me burn my photo albums and then console me after I do it. There is nothing wrong with that. A little burn, a little cuddle, a big spank and I am right as rain mate".

When the producer informed Ed that his confession had been caught on camera, Ed responded with his tried and tested response - "obviously thats no true, it was a slip of the tongue. Innocent mispronunciation".

Sure Ed. We believe you every time.

Rove To Play Ben Cousins In TV Drama

27 April 2014, 8:00am

Rove McManus has landed the role of his lifetime -  playing Benny Cousins in the upcoming Television drama about the life of the controversial AFL superstar.

The unusual choice for the role is being hailed as "pure genius" and "a sure fire way to melt woman's panties". The combined sex appeal of the Adonis Ben Cousins and the jockey Rove has got the entertainment industry excited.

We spoke to an industry insider who told us about the decision to cast Rove:

"Rove is what we call a triple threat - funny, sexy and charismatic. I think Rove's portrayal of Cousins will go down as the sexiest acting since Hugh Jackman played a homosexual in the movie Australia".

We contacted Rove and asked him about the upcoming movie:

"Let me start by saying WHAT THE! *laughs hysterically*. No, no, I am really excited. At first I was like What The? But now I am like,  What the Hell! *laughs harder*".

We were unable to finish the interview. 

Tony Abbott Rewriting Bible

24 April 2014, 9:00am

Tony Abbott has announced that he has been tirelessly working to rewrite the Holy Bible to reflect the book's true intents. In his words: "the Bible got a lot of stuff wrong. Some passages are ambiguous and I aim to fix that". 

It seems Abbott is tired of being unable to rely on the Bible to support his policy initiatives and is amending certain Bible verses accordingly. Abbott remained tight lipped about the extent of the amendments he is making to the centuries old book, however he did tell us:

"Marriage will be clearly defined as between a man and a woman. This amendment is important as it will stop poofs trying to gay-marry me in the airport toilets. After all the Bible is the ultimate law in the land".

"Gina and Twiggy will be included as disciples".

"The story that Noah could arrive in a new land by Arc with a load of immigrants is absurd, the new verse will reflect the off-shore processing initiative of the ancient day Government". 

Bill Shorten described Abbott's project as a "ridiculous use of tax-payer money", noting that "we already have a Bible that 20 Million Australians ignore, we don't need another one".

Joe Hockey has thrown his support behind Abbott, stating that, "some people may see Tony as a scary religious kook, and they are entitled to that opinion, but the new Bible will put food on the table for Australian families".

We eagerly await.

Orange Light Cameras Set to Raise Millions

23 April 2014, 7:00am

When the Barnett Government isn't killing sharks or acting like Troy Buswell, it is devising diabolical schemes to raise revenue.

In an evil stroke of genius, Barnett has decided to re-set approximately 50% of the State's red light cameras to flash if a motorist runs an orange light. Exact details of the timings are unknown.

A spokesperson for the Government told The Bell Tower Times:

"Much to our horror, Perth drivers have finally got it through their bloody thick skulls that gunning it through a red light is dangerous. This has led to a dramatic drop in fine revenue in 2013/2014. Re-setting the cameras to flash if a motorist drives through an orange light is pure genius. We expect to double our revenue by 2015. Motorists beware".

Road safety campaigner, Ridge Donnely, says that the Government has gone too far and the orange light cameras are likely to cause more accidents than prevent them.

The cameras are expected to be re-set this ANZAC long weekend.

Adventure World Introduces Pool Urine Dye

Artist Visualisation of the Technology

22 April 2014, 7:30am

Perth's largest outdoor amusement park, Adventure World, has become the first amusement park in the southern hemisphere to utilise pool urine dye in its water facilities.

The technology seems simple but is actually quite advanced. Many of the ingredients in a persons urine can be found in other bodily excretions, such as sweat. The dye is therefore a marvel of modern day chemistry and will only turn purple if it comes into contact with a certain electrolyte that can only be found in urine.

Everyone is expected to benefit from the introduction of the dye, as the absence of urine will mean the pools will require far less chlorine to keep clean. Although, not everyone is happy about the introduction of the dye. We spoke to Brian Cho, a 28 year old who was caught by the dye on Saturday:

"I'd drunk about 12 Jack n Cokes, a man simply cannot wait in a line for the toilet after drinking that many Jacks. I ducked into the kids wading pool and drained me lizard. Next think I know, the water around me turned purple and a lifeguard gestured for me to get out of the pool. He told me that I'd been caught in "Operation Wet Dreams" and that I was banned from entering the pools for the day. Bloody un-Australian".

Indeed, urinating in another man's pool is an Australian tradition as dinky-di as a sausage sizzle at a footy game. On the other hand, given the thousands of patrons who flock to Adventure World every weekend, one can only shudder at the amount of urine seeping into various pools.

Anyone caught urinating in an Adventure World pool will have their photo taken and placed on the wall of the lifeguards office. A second offence will earn you a place on the public wall of shame and a third offence will carry a life-ban from the venue. All penalties are accompanied by 24 hour bans on the usage of Adventure World pools.

Urinate safely people.

O'Callaghan Suspects Son of Lindt Bunny Theft

20 April 2014, 8:30am

Karl O'Callaghan has commenced a house-wide manhunt for his son, who he suspects flogged his Lindt Bunny that he was saving for Easter Sunday.

Russell O'Callaghan has had a checkered history with the law, with crimes ranging from shit facial hair to blowing up a meth-lab in a suburban neighborhood. Despite Russell's criminal past, he believes the accusations that he stole his dad's chocolate is a result of police profiling:

"Sure, blame the deadbeat son. There were at least 20 people over last night. Including that human garbage disposal Troy Buswell. Anyone could've flogged the old boy's chocky. The idea that I would steal food would assume that I am interested in eating. I've been up since Thursday mate, not hungry in the slightest".

Karl has taken a "take no prisoners" approach to the suspected theft. Executing a targeted raid on his son's room at 7:45am this morning.  Unfortunately, the raid proved fruitless. Karl told the BTT:

"I don't know where the little bugger has stashed my bunny. All I found were cigarettes and an impressive collection of light bulbs. I will be making further inquiries and that little shit wont be getting any of the Easter seafood platter until that bunny is back in my possession".

Tensions are running high at the O'Callaghan household. In an attempt to calm the situation down, Karl's wife reportedly ran to the shops and got Karl a Smarties Easter Egg. Karl was later witnessed pulling the egg apart and claiming the individual smarties represented a piece of his broken heart.

Suck it up Karl.

Misleading: Man Sues Church Over "Good Friday"

18 April 2014, 7:30am

Local nutter, Roy Swang, 29, has taken the remarkable step of initiating an action against the Catholic Church of Australia, claiming its use of the term "Good Friday" is deceptive and misleading.

Roy told The Bell Tower Times:

"Seriously, what is "Good" about this day every year? Bottleshops are closed, fish and chip stores have massive lines and I get death stares from shmucks when I order a bit of ham in my local IGA. This day bloody sucks, and its about time the Catholic Church were held to account. Such a shit day". 

Swang's Writ claims that he has suffered loss as a result of the Church's misleading statements. He claims that the Church has "robbed him of 29 days of his life", "exerted unreasonable influence over the Liquor industry", "is in kahootz with Kailis Brothers" , "has no right to ruin a perfectly good Friday" and "covered up an incident when a Priest touched and confiscated his piece of ham when he was in high school". 

We contact the Catholic Church of Australia to ask them about the claims. A spokesman for the Church told us:

"In terms of legal issues, we have bigger fish to fry, ha ha. We will be defending the claims vigorously like we defend all claims against the Church".

A Court ordered mediation is likely to be ordered and in true fashion, we expect the Church to settle out of Court.

Malcolm "Megabyte" Turnball: Australia's Wealthy Need the NBN More

17 April 2014, 8:00am

"Lets face facts, people living in poor suburbs should use their Centrelink payments more carefully and farmers should really be tending to their crops or whatever they do" - Malcolm Turnball at a fundraising dinner in January 2014.

To say the Coalition has made a meal of the NBN would be an understatement. Malcolm "Megabyte" Turnball has fronted the media countless times and mumbled off some vague horse-crap about "nodes", "contractor issues" and inexplicably referring to the internet as Netscape Navigator. To be fair, we almost feel sorry for the man - he reminds us of our dads when they used to call up iiNet and ask why the modem wasn't connecting - clueless and lost. 

We could almost forgive Malcolm personally, if it wasn't for his bizarre attitude that affluent Australian suburbs should be given priority in NBN installation, as: "it will be fucking expensive mate, the unwashed masses can't afford it". 

It seems Malcolm is content on losing the hearts and minds of many marginalised groups in Australia. In March, he famously took to Twitter and told a woman living in rural Victoria, that she shouldn't have bought a house in an area that didn't have access to broadband internet. Malcolm may have had a decent point - if his job wasn't to BRING THE INTERNET TO ALL AUSTRALIANS. His comments show a level of defeat and malaise that causes a nation to doubt his competency for the job.

We approached Malcolm at the Boatshed in Cottesloe while he was in Perth for a conference. He told us that "uniting Netscape Navigator with the poor is a tough ask, but he will give it a crack".

Christ almighty Turnball.

NSW Premier Failed to Meet Dishonesty Standard of Politicians

16 April 2014, 8:30am

A politician that cant get away with lying through their ass is an endangered species in the cut-throat world of state politics.

Barry O'Farrell was accused of accepting a $3000.00 bottle of Penfold's Grange from the AWH and failing to record the gratuity on the Parliaments register. O'Farrell fiercely denied receiving the gift and later come unstuck when the ICAC, the body investigating his corruption, advised O'Farrell that they had in their possession a thank you note - and guess what - it was a thank you note from O'Farrell for the Grange.

O'Farrell's party was extremely disappointed with O'Farrell's conduct, in the words of a senior staffer:

"For fucks sake, lying about the gifts register is politics 101. Barry has demonstrated a complete disregard for the code we all live by - never get caught. We held a meeting with Barry and he tried to worm his way out of trouble and begged us to keep his lucrative job. At the end of the day, we just couldn't have such a bad liar in our midst. NSW has many upcoming infrastructure projects and we need men who can accept "gifts" and not get bloody caught doing it".

In a final undignified act, O'Farrell told the press that he regrets this 'massive lapse of memory'. This is angered his party further - as the other unofficial rule of politics is that once you resign from office and return to being a shit-eating civilian, you may no longer rely on the politicians code of lying. In the words of the staffer, "as he is just some guy now, he has to tell the truth just like the rest of you". 

What a warm insight into politics.

Twerk for the Dole Scheme Introduced

14 April 2014, 3:00pm

The perfect storm has been brewing for years - a generation of Swag kids who have turned their back on traditional education and opted for a YOLO lifestyle. In reality, the YOLO lifestyle has produced a generation of unemployable kids with C.V's as unimpressive as the state of Troy Buswell's grundies.

The Australian Government has responded with the Twerk for the Dole scheme. Unemployed teenagers can now use their swag to good use and volunteer in Government funded dance classes that are designed to combat childhood obesity.

In return for teaching young school children to dance the unemployed teenagers will be eligible for the Newstart Allowance of approximately $270 per fortnight - which is a small fortune for anyone who spends the majority of their money on Obey caps and imitation jewelry.

The Twerk for the Dole scheme is a double edged sword for the Australian people - on the one hand it demonstrates the Governments commitment to giving young punks a work ethic and at the same time combat childhood obesity. On the other hand, the Australian public needs to concede that the "Twerk" and "Swag" movements have infiltrated our once proud country.

For the time being, Twerking may be the youths only salvation.

Carlton Footy Club: "Winning Isn't Everything"

14 April 2014, 10:30am

Carlton's loss to the Melbourne Demons on the weekend was seen as a tragedy, worthy of a ancient Greek auditorium. The loss added insult to injury to the club who is yet to record a win in the 2014 Premiership season.

President, Steven Kernahan fronted the media this morning to discuss his clubs horror 2014 season. Kernahan, who can be difficult to understand at the best of times, grunted out some of the most pathetic words ever muttered by a President:

"Everyone should calm down. The lads had fun out there and winning isn't everything. I spoke to Marc Murphy after the game and he told me that he had a great time having a little run around with his mates. The Carlton playing squad are not merely circus monkeys for their fans amusement. Win or loss, the boys got some exercise, got to play on a real AFL oval and most importantly had some fun".

Mick Malthouse wasn't as stoic about the teams loss. He pointed the finger squarely at his overbearing intensity and the fact that the players got a little excited when his daughter Kristy Malthouse, walked into the club room before the game wearing a pleasant floral perfume and tight jeans. In his words, "I've overcooked my coaching days".

Lets hope the Blues can find some form and ensure that the Brisbane Lions stay at the bottom of the ladder, where they belong.

Facebook Is Dead

Seems like only yesteryear, Facebook was the most innovative way to keep in touch with family and friends. Slowly, the popular social media site has begun its death song. Here is why:

1. Tag a mate who...

This trend had its moments, but gee-wizz, it seems like every Facebook page with a few thousand 'likes' just dedicates themselves to posting "tag a mate" photos. Desperate attempts to increase the traffic through their pages. For reasons unknown.

2. Smug fitness posts

It's OK muscles mcgee, we all know that you are fit and love working out in the gym. Spare us the constant smug posts and gym check-ins. You may hide behind the delusion that you post this stuff to "motivate" us, but in reality, its shameless self promotion and no one cares.

3. Cheesy romantic wankery

Enough already. We think that this is a product of the swag/yolo generation. Drake is also probably to blame.

4. Bone-headed trends

From selfies posing as "awareness" campaigns, to, NekNomination - Facebook has a tendency of bringing out the most baffling trends in social media. To be fair - the bone-headed trends probably breath some life into Facebook - but ultimately degrade the brand.

5. Relentless atheists

Atheists spend more time banging on about religion that religo's. Nothing seems to get bored trolls frothing more, then a good online argument with a christian they've never met in real life. We are glad that you like science so  much, why don't you go and do some rather than argue online?