Seedy Bloke Offering to Apply Sunscreen Spotted on Perth Beaches

30 December 2013, 12:30pm

The Bell Tower Times has been inundated with reports of a large, bald Irishman that has been seen patrolling Perth beaches and offering females complimentary sunscreen and an additional offer to "make sure its all rubbed in good and proper".

We spoke to a surf lifesaver at Cottesloe Beach who told us that the man, dubbed "Big Seedy" was not sanctioned by any legitimate authority and is most likely dishing out the free sun protection as a means to get his hairy knuckles on the backs of beautiful young woman.

We spoke to Cindy Tan, 23, who was approached by Big Seedy on Saturday morning:

"This big, gross, bald dude came up to me and said that he was making sure no one got burnt this summer. He offered me some sunblock and I told him that I already had some. He then said that it would be a shame if my 'oriental tan' turned into 'sizzling pork chow mein' and that I should let him make sure the sunscreen was applied properly. So yuk. I just got up and walked away".

Another victim of Big Seed, Samantha Young, 21, told us:

"I'd say he is about 30 years old and speaks with a strong Irish accent. When he approached me he was clearly drunk and told me that I had 'missed a spot' on my lower back. I told him my boyfie was in the water and he should fuck off. Seriously, what a creep!".

Technically, Big Seedy is not committing any offences as he is seeking consent to touch the woman. Nevertheless, he is making a nuisance of himself and we urge anyone who witnesses him in action to have a word to him.

A reminder to all this summer - don't be a sex pest.

Critical: Perth Man Overdoses on Christmas Ham

28 December 2013, 11:00am

The sound of an ambulance's siren filled the air in Rivervale last night as paramedics rushed to Russel Mixon's home to revive the young man after suffering an overdose of Christmas ham.

Mixon's girlfriend, Cindy, made the panicked call after Mixon was found slumped over in the bathroom. Cindy had told The Bell Tower Times;

"We bought a 8KG Dorsogna ham for Christmas. At the time I knew it was a lot of ham,but I guess we figured that we would have more guests over. Russ ended up consuming over a kilo a day. at first it was a little slice here and there, but last night, I found him at 7pm with the ham in his hands and just burying his face into it like an animal....not long after he collapsed".

Paramedics told Cindy that Russell needed his stomach pumped to try and rid his body of the large amounts of salt, glaze and fat from the 6KG of ham he had consumed over the previous 4 days. Paramedics where in shock when they discovered an enormous 2KG of ham in Mixon's stomach, claiming it was the most startling case of ham abuse they had ever seen and that it was a miracle that Mixon had survived.

We spoke to Mixon while he was in bed recovering from the ordeal, he told us:

"wooooo! What a rush. Man I was just on that glazed shit, thought I was invincible. The doctors tell me I need a detox. No shit, I'll toss your salad for real, if you smuggle me a little slice, c'mon man."

The Bell Tower Times does not support addiction and Mixon's tempting offer was no exception.

Marijuana Dealers Concerned With Meeting the Holiday Demand

23 December 2013, 9:00am

Marijuana has emerged as the holiday narcotic of choice. Thousands of Western Australians have expressed their unwillingness to deal with their families over Christmas and New Years unless they are baked out of their mind.

Marijuana is popular with Western Australians for its ability to increase ones patience, appetite and general euphoria. All essential traits for ones Christmas lunch. We spoke to Billy, 23, who told the Bell Tower Times:

"Fucking typical innit? You rock up to Chrissy and all your relatives bail you up at some point and ask you the same questions - what are doing with your life, hows your job going, do you have a girlfriend, etc. I used to get frustrated and loath Christmas lunch. However, last year I smoked a massive doobie with my brother before we arrived. I was so baked that the usual barrage of repetitive questions didn't phase me. It was brilliant, I swear by it now."

Billy's sentiments are echoed by many. The demand for ganja is so great, that Perth marijuana dealers are beginning to worry that they will be unable to keep their customers happy this year and be able to provide them with enough for the 2 week holiday period. We spoke to a dealer who wished to remain anonymous (for obvious reasons), he told The Bell Tower Times:

"Dealer-customer loyalty is the cornerstone of my business. There are a ton of lads out there setting up their own grow operations and selling shitty weed. I pride myself on only selling the strands of weed that the people crave - white rhino, AK-47 or Kush. I'm worried that if I cant hook up all my customers with what they need over Christmas, they will turn to these amateur turkey-fuckers. I don't get paid and my customer doesn't get high. No one wins. Except the turkey-fucker of course". 

The demand for high quality marijuana has become so great, that many dealers have been forced to switch their mobile telephones off on certain days - such as the Big Day Out and New Years Day.

We spoke to another marijuana dealer who told us:

"It is such a hectic time of the year for weed dealers, bra. My greatest concern is that when I'm outta the chronic, my customers resort to "open houses" - properties usually occupied by a gang of aboriginals who sell terrible weed from their front door and are open 24/7. I don't want my valued customers resorting to that. I've heard rumors that they spray their buds with fly spray to fool the consumer into thinking they are getting high - yeh, high off bug spray, bra". 

The message from Western Australia's weed dealers is simple - conserve your stash, plan for periods of drought and share with your fellow man. Together, we can all get through Christmas in one piece.
 

Man Accused of Touching Co-Worker's Dick Awarded $150,000.00

20 December 2013, 11:00am

Ken Roberts, 35, has been awarded a record payout by the Supreme Court of WA, over his claim that he suffered psychological harm from a co-worker constantly accusing him of touching his dick in while in public places.

The defendant, Rex Samson, 27, admitted that whenever he went drinking with his colleagues he found it irresistible to accuse Roberts of touching his genitals and turning the accusation into a "spectacle".

A witness in the case gave evidence that on one occasion Samson stood on the top of a table at a inner city bar and announced to the crowd, "I'll buy a drink for anyone to tell this cunt to stop touching my dick!". The witness recounts that the entire bar erupted with laughter and Roberts was forced to flee the scene as he was being ridiculed by the bar's patrons. The witness added that this was one of "many" incidents where Samson would accuse Roberts of touching his balls.

Solicitors for Roberts argued that the constant humiliation he endured as a result of Samson's "jokes", left him feeling dejected and he felt like the "office loser". After 2 years of Samson's bullying, Roberts was forced to resign from his job and became clinically depressed. He spent thousands of dollars on psychological appointments and other forms of therapy.

Samson showed little remorse and attempted to justify his actions by alleging that Robert's would often laugh along with the others and that it was their personal "in joke". He told the Court:

"Ken was just the bloke in the office that would probably grab your dick if he got the chance. He had that look about him. The joke evolved over a 2 year period. I never knew that he was so affected by it. Old Kenny Cock Grabber, I am shocked that he is dragging me through the Courts, I'm sickened". 

 After a 2 day trial, Roberts was awarded a record $150,000.00  in compensation and Samson is expected to file for bankruptcy in the coming months.

In the words of Murray Hewitt from Flight of the Concords: I'm sure Samson is enjoying a taste of his own "dick medicine". 

Yum: Perth Prisoners Make Petrol Station Sandwiches

19 December 2013, 8:30am

If you ever wondered why your petrol station sandwich tasted so unpalletable, it would be on account of the secret ingredient: the sweat and tears of Perth's incarcerated.

A significant portion of petrol station sandwiches in Perth are hand-made by inmates residing in our high security prisons.  A revelation which is sure to shock servo-cuisine devotees to the core.

The Bell Tower Times spoke to an industry insider who blew the lid on this culinary tragedy:

"The last thing I would ever eat would be a servo sanga. I've spoken to people connected with Perth's high security prisons, and they told me that the inmates can earn up to $2.00 per hour making the sandwiches. It all gets pretty alarming when you think to yourself - how do they spread the mayonnaise without being able to use a knife?".

A sobering thought indeed. It stands to reason, that the high security inmates would be required to literally spread the mayonnaise, butter and other condiments on, with their bare hands. We spoke to a former Hakea prisoner, who has admitted to making sandwiches while in prison, Gus, 42, told the BTT:

"The gravity of the situation hit me when I was first released. I saw a mother buy a BLT from a petrol station  for her kid. I remember when I was pissed off at the guards I would "season" the sandwich materials - in prison "seasoning" is the act of playing with your balls for a few minutes before handling the sandwich shit. In the slammer, it was just a way to get buy ya know? But in real life, it's all a bit grotty. Then again, if you are eating food from a petrol station, aren't you kinda in your own personal prison anyway?".

We asked Gus whether he would ever consider eating a petrol station sandwich, he told us:

 "Mate, I'd rather have a crack at the cheese kransky thats been sitting in the bain-marie since 10am".

We tried to contact Hakea prison for comment, however we were told that the inner dealings of the prison were confidential and they would not be making any statement.

Food for thought.

City of Perth - Smokers to Wear Fluro Vests

18 December 2013, 8:30am

Recently, the City of Perth made their shopping malls on Hay and Murray Street, smoke free. The policy dealt a vicious blow to smoking enthusiasts and those addicted to nicotine.

The City of Perth's has recently announced that it will be upping the ante in their war on smokers. Anyone wanting to light up in the surrounding streets (i.e. Barrack or Williams) will be required to wear a bright yellow fluro vest, like the one pictured.

A spokesperson from the City of Perth told the Bell Tower Times:

"We want to give non-smokers the opportunity to spot a smoker at a distance and completely avoid their filthy smoke cloud. We also think the inherent humiliation of wearing a fluro vest may deter smokers from venturing onto the streets of Perth to feed their filthy habits. Our rangers will be given special powers to fine smokes who fail to wear the vest".

Anti-Smoking groups support the initiative and say that the requirement to wear a fluro vest will bring unwanted attention to the wheezing smoke-bags and protect the public at large from the horrors of second hand smoke inhalation.

Human rights groups are drawing parallels to Germany's Nazi Regime, who forced Jewish people and other perceived enemies of the state to dress in a manner to stand out from the rest of society.

We understand that the vests will need to be purchased by smokers and the policy will be implemented early 2014.

Perth Therapist Offers Therapy to Girls Dating Chodes

17 December 2013, 12:00pm

Perth always seems to be ahead of the 8 ball when it comes to the sheer number of young men that fall comfortably into the category of douche-bag or chode.

A chode can be described as someone who displays a horrific cocktail of personality traits, such as: arrogance, vanity, sleaziness and exhibitionism. Kyle Sandilands is the epitome of the term.

As a society we often mingle with chodes as part of our friendship circles. Sadly, sometimes girls date them.

Sally Fenway, psychologist, 32, has started offering girls who are in love with chodes, a special therapy course to help them deal with their partners atrocioussness, she told The Bell Tower Times:

"I think everybody knows a girl who is dating a one. Usually the problem stems from the fact that the boyfriend will be lovely to the girl but repulse almost everybody else in his orbit. The girl will then feel unsupported by her peers when they refuse offers to hang out, or simply outright call the offending boyfriend a massive chode. I therefore have tailored a special therapy session to deal with the influx of females who have found themselves bunked up with a smug, shit-munching asshole".

 We asked Fenway whether she could disclose any of her innovative techniques, she told us:

"I wouldn't want to give all my trade secrets away, however, one tactic we use is to go through the boyfriends Facebook or Instagram page. I then ask the girlfriend how she honestly feels when she sees a photo, of say, her chode boyfriend wearing fluro at Stereosonic and throwing up gang signs. You would be surprised how often the girl simply breaks down into a quivering mess of realisation".

We warn our readers that dating a chode can isolate you from your friends and family. It is always important to maintain close relationships with your loved ones and trust their judgment too. Or perhaps you will find yourself the next Ms Kyle Sandilands (picture yourself making love to him). 

Full Strength Beer Banned in Pubs and Bottleshops for Australia Day 2014

16 December 2013, 3:30pm

Today, it was revealed from a leaked Licensing Authority memorandum from a top official, that licensees will not be permitted to sell full strength beer (being over 4.0%) on 26 January 2014, Australia Day.

In a move that is sure to be unpopular with Western Australians, the temporary condition will seemingly apply to all pubs, restaurants, nightclubs and bottle shops.

We spoke to a licensee who operates in the City of South Perth about the proposed ban on full strength beer, he told us:

"Whats next? A ban on any type of fun at all? Seriously, this ban is going to hurt Perth businesses, beer is a big seller on Australia Day, and responsible adults have the right to choose full flavored beer".

Of course, from what is known about the proposed crackdown, there is nothing stopping someone from purchasing full strength beer the day before Australia Day to consume at home. The proposed ban on full strength beer will therefore have the greatest impact on bars and taverns - they will be empty.

We spoke to another licensee who operates in the Town of Vincent, she told us:

"What a great message. Don't spend Australia Day supporting Aussie businesses and drink in a controlled environment, just stockpile on boxes of VB and get shit-hammered at home, where your liquor consumption goes unmonitored".

Western Australia has taken another step towards being the most insanely regulated State in respect of liquor and freedom.

Breathalysers and Underwear Checks for Store Santa's This Year

16 December 2013, 11:00am

Taking your kids to see Santa Clause at your local shopping centre or park is a timeless Australian tradition and an essential part of any young persons upbringing.

Unfortunately, not all shopping centre Santa's like to play by the rules. Over the years, there has been anecdotal evidence of a culture of alcoholism and exhibitionism amongst the Santa's, and it is only a matter of time before an Aussie child is subjected to some unpleasantness.

Police have have been instructed to discretely breathalyse Santas and check that they are wearing underwear under their Santa costumes this holiday season. We spoke to our source at the WA Police who told us:

"There is definitely a zero tolerance policy this year. Officer's have been tasked with the unpleasant job of having to breathalyse men dressed up as Santa Clause for various functions, and of course, perform on the spot check to ensure they are wearing some jocks. We expect some officers may get an unwanted glimpse of penis, however its a risk we must take to ensure community safety".

One mother, who wished to remain anonymous, told The Bell Tower Times:

"I could smell the bourbon from the front of the line. When my son and myself approached Santa, his eyes were glazed over and he was staring directly at  the ass of one of his female Elf helpers, who had bent over to grab a lolly for my son. What a vile man".

Teenage larrikin, Tommy, once lined up to sit on Santa's lap, so he could get a photo and prove to his peers that he was a goofball, he told us:

"Sure, I was pulling the piss. A 19 year old has no place of Santa's lap, but fuck me man, when I sat on his lap I could feel his dick gently pressing into my leg! Wasn't like he was hard or anything, I just don't reckon the dirty prick was wearing any underwear. Serves me right, but think about the children".

Sadly, the two incidents described above are not isolated, and we heard from various other Perthians, that when they encountered Santa, he was either drunk or was rocking out commando style.

The majority of Santa's are holiday heroes and the Bell Tower Times salutes them. However, to those who aren't wearing grundies or are intoxicated, we shake our heads with disapproval. 

Stop The Sharks: Japan Applauds Barnett's Policy

12 December 2013, 9:30am

Colin Barnett announced this week that large sharks that swam close to designated "kill zones" would be hunted by commercial fisherman who have the green light to slaughter the majestic beasts.

Moments after the announcement, Barnett's office was flooded with emails and phone calls from Japanese commercial fishing companies, vowing that they would carry out the death warrants at a moments notice, and furthermore, they would do it for free. The CEO of Kobyashi, one of Japan's leading commercial fishing companies apparently told the Premier, "That's the spirit". 

Australia has long resisted Japan's whaling activity in Australian waters and it is believed that Barnett's war on sharks has given the Japanese whaling companies hope that Western Australia may open their doors to a little commercial whaling.

A source from Kobyashi leaked the details of a meeting of their Directors. Apparently the fishing giant discussed ways of convincing Australian's that whales were a threat, and accordingly, convince our Premier to widen his war on sharks to include at least some species of whales. The Managing Director of Kobyashi apparently mused that a "killer whale is more or less a shark"

Barnett's war on sharks has divided Western Australia with many doubting the necessity of the policy. There is common theme amongst the protesters that it is humans that are entering the sharks territory and we have no right to kill them for doing what they do naturally. Other people are scared of the giant fish, and welcome the impending bloodbath this summer.

We tried to reach Barnett's office for comment, however apparently he had just sat down for a  big bowl of shark fin soup. 

Johnson's Moustache Reminded Trott of Recurring Freddy Mercury Sex Dream

10 December 2013, 11:30am

Sensationally,  English batsman, Johnathon Trott, excused himself from the Ashes Series in Australia on account of battling emotional issues.

It has been revealed by sources close to Trott that a major reason he became overwhelmed was the fact that Australian fast bowler, Mitchell Johnson's moustache brought back saucy memories of a recurring sex dream he had involving the late Freddy Mercury.

It is alleged that when Trott was a teenager, he would dream about the Queen lead singer bailing him up behind the cricket nets and seducing him. The dream normally ended with the pair making aggressive and sweaty love.

At the time, Trott was haunted by the dreams and began to doubt his own heterosexual view of himself. Trott's teenage years were understandably traumatic given the popularity of Queen. Over time, Trott stopped having the dreams, however the fear of Freddy Mercury lived on in his subconscious.

A blissfully ignorant Mitchell Johnson, grew a pair of handlebars for the pro-men's health campaign, Movember. For reasons known only to Johnson, he decided to keep the look and has been bowling serious heat at the English cricket team and racking up impressive statistics.

Johnson has been commended for pulling off a look that can only be described as an exact cross between a pool-cleaning porn star and a gay nightclub rapist.  One cannot escape some form of sexual thought when they look at his face.

Trott was the first casualty of Johnson's fierce look, however as the English team fail to find form, we ask ourselves whether Johnson's face is the real hero of the Ashes?

Chanel No.5 Release New Scent: Ethnic Taxi Driver

9 December 2013, 3:00pm

Chanel No.5 is renowned as one of the most famous perfumes in history. It's ever evolving scent has made its a collectors item and a top seller during the Christmas period.

With Christmas 2013 fast approaching, Chanel is planning to drop a bomb on consumers and awaken the exotic princess in all woman, they will be release their new scent: Chanel No.5 - Ethnic Taxi Driver.

A spokesperson from Chanel, told The Bell Tower Times:

"It's a scent that everyone knows, yet no one dare describe. It's the sight of the beaded back rest, the sound of the exotic music, and most important the musk of the ethnic man dropping you home or to the airport". 

The perfume  apparently draws its influences heavily from the Middle Eastern and Indian regions of the world. The scent is rumored to be a top seller due to its pure ambiguity. Just like when you are sitting in the back of a  Taxi at 3:00am trying to work out where the fuck the driver bought his cologne, so too will your loved ones this Christmas, as you turn your body into the streets of Marrakesh.

The Bell Tower Times approached punters in Hay Street this morning to get their reactions to Chanel's bold new scent:

Trev, 32, told us: "I'v always wanted to play 'open sesame' with me missus, so I'm all for this".

Susan, 42,  told us: "How unique, I am not sure I want to smell like a middle eastern man, however, I do want to lull my friends into a deep mental confusion about where my scent has come from". 

Stacey, 32, told us: "Your joking right? I once passed out in a taxi and  I'm pretty sure the driver played with my hair, cos my hair smelt like this so called exotic musk". 

Troy B, 46, told us: "Whats next, colleagues chair scent? Nah seriously, will they be doing that one?".

It seems at the very least Chanel's new scent will be a talking point this season.

Honeymooners: Every Public Toilet Booked Out During Canberra Gay Marriage Week

8 December 2013, 11:45am

Currently, it is legal for homosexual couples to get married in the ACT. The laws are currently being challenged by the Federal Government in the high Court.

The High Court of Australia is expected to hand down a ruling next week as to the legality of the ACT's same-sex marriage laws, the result of which, may render all same-sex marriages in the ACT void.

Despite the uncertainty, scores of homosexuals have tied the knot over the last week and are making the most of their marriages' legal status. Function rooms and public parks have been in high demand for the ceremonies and love is truly in the air.

An unexpected consequence of ACT's "gay marriage week" is the absolute inability for Canberra's residents to access and use the cities public toilets. Almost every single public toilet and public toilet block have been booked out by newly married homosexuals for their honeymoons. Some latecomers, have even made the commute to the Canberra Airport to spend a night of passion in their ablution facilities.

We spoke to Dylan, who married his partner on Saturday night, he told us:

"We decided to spend our night of passion in the toilets next to the State Library, it was a really magical evening. It was tough getting the booking, and I hate to admit that we had to offer the sanitation department a small bribe he he. They even changed the usual air-fresheners in the toilets to my husbands favorite cologne, Old Spice".

The spike in honeymooners booking the public toilets has caused inconvenience for some of Canberra's residents, as a poorly timed outbreak of gastro has hit the city. We understand that there have been many close calls, as citizens with "crook guts" have needed to make a desperate dash home or to their place of business to relieve themselves, before falling victim to their gastro.

We are told by our sources, that should the High Court uphold the ACT's same-sex marriage laws, then the city will invest heavily in additional portable toilets around the city to ease the pressure on the current facilities.

Happy gay-marriage week yall!

Subiaco Man Day Dreams About Smacking Vegan in the Mouth

4 December 2013, 10:30am

Rick Vandelay, 29, attended a small Christmas soiree with some good friends at the Lucky Shag Hotel on Tuesday evening.

A female friend of Vandelay decided to invite her cousin, Chloe Sampson, who was visiting from Melbourne. Vandelay took no objection to the extra guest, thinking that she may have been "fingerable".

Vandelay soon discovered that Chloe was a raging vegan who was not shy to thumb-pack her opinions down anyone's throat. Her hair was slightly dread locked, she had a nose piercing and she smelt like the E-Shed Markets.

The critical moment of the evening came, when Vandelay ordered the Shag's famous hamburger for dinner. Vandelay told The Bell Tower Times:

"I hadn't even finished ordering my meal, when Chloe, the thunder-cunt, snapped at me for ordering meat. She scoffed as I ordered the burger and then commenced a 10 minute rant about how meat was murder or some shit. All I know is that I drifted off into a trance... I kept getting these flashes in my mind, of just smacking Chloe, right in the mouth, obviously I didn't act on my impulse though".

 Vandelay's best friend, Simon Haas, told us:

"Rick really copped it with both barrels from that chick. I dunno though, he seemed really zen about it. He just stared at her in kind of a dream-like state, occasionally grinning, while she was telling him about the meat industries inhumane practices and all that stuff. As we left the restaurant, he told me that he had spent the better part of the day dreaming about giving Chloe an elbow right to the chops, in the interest of shutting her up".

By all reports, Chloe is a repeat offender and Vandelay exercised extreme self-control to not react to her relentless diatribe. If you see Vandelay at the pub, buy the man a drink.

Perth Tour Group Offer Claremont MILF Tour

3 December 2013, 7:00am

Tour Group, See[dy] Perth, has announced its plans to offer tourists and locals a chance to roll through Perth's western suburbs in a Tarago Mini-Van and spot the elusive Western Suburbs MILF in their natural habitat, the shopping malls of  Claremont.

Tour operator, Nigel Goldstein, says he can guarantee that customers will see MILF's and is offering a money back guarantee if a customer misses out on a sighting. We spoke to Goldstein who told us:

"We are trained at tracking down MILF's. First, we check car parks for Range Rovers and Mini Coopers and cars like that. Then we slowly lurk our Tarago close to the shopping areas and cafes. It is impossible to not see an attractive older woman walking around high off their kids medication and buying pointless shit. If it is raining or there are just no MILF's around, we plan to take the group into the Claremont Quarter shopping complex and rattle a BMW keyring around, 100% guarantee."

We understand that Transport Minister Troy Buswell was quick to OK to concept, despite tourism not falling into his portfolio or having really any authority to approve the tour at all.

Prospective tour customers are urged to not bother the MILF's in their natural habitat. As approaching one of these older woman of beauty and class may lead to being treated like common riff raff or a sex pest. As Goldstein says, "our mandate is to observe, not bother, and its delicious". 

See[dy] Perth have also flagged plans to offer their customers the Lloyd Rayney Kings Park Tour and  the Karl O'Callaghan's Son's Meth Lab Tour (where they guarantee you will have a blast).

Tickets start from $40.00 for a 3 hour lurk in the Tarago, to the premium $150.00 weekend package, which includes an overnight stay on the Nedlands' Foreshore, to spot the elusive early morning exercise MILF. We expect tickets to sell fast.

Parent's of Underage Repeat Offenders Could Be Named as Co-Accused

2 December 2013, 11:45am

Should the parents or guardians of underage repeat offenders be held accountable for the crimes committed by their children?

On one hand, the notion that a parent should be prosecuted for their child's crimes implies that a parent has full control over their child, and that their child's criminal behavior is a result of poor parenting. On the other hand, the notion of prosecuting parents may encourage strict discipline and lead to a possible reduction in underage offending.

A youth justice group in Western Australia has called for public support as they lobby the Government to amend the Young Offender's Act to permit the state to name either parent (or guardian) of a wayward children as a co-accused in situations where the parent has demonstrated a consistent lack of care and control towards the child.

Under the proposed amendments, parents would not face a criminal record however they would be bound to pay any compensation to the victims and also be subject to orders from the Court that obliges them to attend parenting classes, psychological sessions and in extreme circumstances may be ordered to relinquish the care of their child to the State until such time as they can prove they can exercise a reasonable level of care and control.

Parenting support groups are outraged at the proposed amendments and label them a band-aid solution to social epidemic of child offending. The amendments would also put undue pressure on families that already struggle to cope with their child's anti-social behaviour, which can arise from a variety of factors including behavioural problems and in some cases, the kid is just a bad egg.

It is unlikely that the Government will amend the Youth Offender's Act at this time, however if the issue of underage offending continues spiral out of control, we may find ourselves staring down the barrel of some pretty shit-scary legislation.

As Western Australia spirals ever closer to being a full-blown nanny state, we must ask ourselves, will we ever fix our social problems through punitive measures? Or is it finally time to look into preventive methods of reducing crime.

Panicked Phone Call: Traveler Forgets to Dispose of Wank-Sock Before Vacating Share House

1 December 2013, 7:00pm

New Zealand born traveler, Robert Fitzpatrick, set off on a trip of a lifetime last week to go and work on the sky slopes of France.

Fitzpatrick had been living in a share house with friends in the Perth's southern suburbs for the previous year.

At approximately 8:45pm on  21 November 2013, Fitzpatrick had arrived at Perth International Airport and was waiting to board his flight, when a moment of pure panic overcame him. Fitzpatrick had forgotten to discard of a sock that he kept in his former room, that he used exclusively for pleasuring himself into, it was his beloved "wank sock".

Fitzpatrick in an act of panic and desperation phoned his friend, Simon, in Perth who was still living at the share house and begged him to go into his former room and dispose of his filthy wank sock.

Simon was reluctant to assist Fitzpatrick with the putrid task, however in an act of compassion, Simon agreed to undertake the dirty work. At 9:15pm, Simon sent Fitzpatrick a text message that confirmed he had discarded of the jizz encrusted sock.

Deep down, Fitzpatrick knew his secret would never be safe, and has reportedly invested in a box of tissues for his new room in France.

Regrettable: Man Snorts Line of Cocaine Before Interview

Yesterday, Tony, 26, was preparing for an interview with a prestigious marketing firm.

Tony's preparation was going swimmingly until he made the regrettable decision to snort a fat line of cocaine to give himself an edge.

An anonymous source from the marketing firm told The Bell Tower Times that Tony arrived at his interview 5 minutes late and was noticed breathing heavily and winking at every female he walked past.

Sadly, Tony's sleazy late arrival was not his only faux pas during the hour-long interview, according to our source, Tony also:

1. Held an unbroken 7-second stare at the female interviewer before saying anything;

2. Applied lip balm 18 times;

3. Spoke at length about his amateur boxing when asked what skills he could bring to the firm;

4. Made 3 jokes about wanting a cigarette;

5. Drank the entire jug (1.5L) of water;

6. suffered facial contortions and swinging jaw syndrome; and

7. Sweated profusely (despite air-conditioning).

The Bell Tower Times asked Tony what he was thinking:

"In hindsight, the choice to snort that charlie was misguided and regrettable. My guy usually gives me pretty weak blow, so I thought it was just going to pep me up. Little did I know he gave me some fucking scar-face shit. I cant confirm, but I may have made a fool of myself". 

 Needless to say, Tony got the job, as the Managing Director of the firm not only shared Tony's cocaine dealer and was also a mate of his dads.

For the uninitiated, this is how the corporate world works.

Leederville Man's Grindr Account Distracts Him From Perth Glory Game

27 November 2013, 7:00pm

Toddy, 21, set out last Saturday afternoon to watch his beloved Perth Glory take on the Mariners in a must win match for the mighty Glory.

As soon as Toddy approached the stadium he felt his mobile phone vibrate constantly. He was receiving bulk notifications from his Grindr Account about the presence of other homosexuals at the soccer match.

Grindr is a gay/bi dating app that allows users to identify when they are in the same vicinity and provides a link to that persons profile.

In fact, the stadium was so densely populated with homosexuals, Toddy spent most of the match checking through the hundreds of profiles of the various poofs that caught his eye.

The Bell Tower Times spoke to Toddy, who was enjoying a Bailey's at the Garden in Leederville, he told us:

"Oh sugarsnaps. I missed the entire game. I was seriously bobbing in an ocean of cock and I felt like the luckiest Buoy in the water. I didn't even see any goals scored, it was a serious bummer".

While we were chatting to Toddy he received a text message. Toddy giggled and almost snorted some of his Bailey's through his nose, he told us that he had just received a text from the guy who hooked him up with the Perth Glory ticket, the text message said, "totes saw you on TV grinning at your Grindr lol, textbook Toddy xx". We assume Toddy has a history of this type of behavior.

Before we parted ways Toddy told us that he would just watch a replay of the game on Foxtel tonight while he trawled for more "wolverines" on the popular dating app.

Better luck next time Toddy.

School Leavers Police: Dob in a Mate for Immunity

26 November 2013, 2:50pm

School Leavers have begun their celebrations in various locations around WA. The most popular spots being Rottnest Island, Dunsborough and Busselton. According to the Police the celebrations are synonymous with underage drinking, sex and general good times.

This year, Western Australian Police have spread the message to leavers, that if they are caught with alcohol or drugs, they will have an opportunity to "act like a cop", and dob in their mates in exchange for immunity from prosecution.

The scheme dubbed, "Dob in Ya M8", has so far resulted in a number of arrests for the intent to sell and supply prohibited substances. There have also been reports of bar fridges and eskies being raided on a daily basis, in the search for "alcopops" that may be destined for the lips of underage drinkers.

The success of Dob in Ya M8, is rumored to be due to the fact it is modeled on the application process for the Police force itself, with all hopeful cadets being encouraged to inform on a member of their family or social circle, for any conceivable offense.

The scheme reminds us of the infamous "drug bins" that were positioned outside of music festivals, and allowed revelers to dispose of their drugs before they  entered the festival and avoid any punishment. The "drug bins" were not utilised, much to the disappointment of resident Perth fiend, Robbo Dawson, who in an act of desperation tried to spear tackle a bin with the intent of ingesting anything that fell out.

Go on, laws are forever, friendships are temporary.

Rockingham to Build Giant UFC Octagon Cage in Night District

25 November 2013, 11:20am

Roc City is a city of contrasts. On the one hand, you have beautiful beaches, adventure sports and penguins. On the other hand, you have a flourishing community of Perth's most committed bogans, deros and dropkicks.

At night, the streets of Roc City can erupt into vicious brawls, violent assaults and an array of chest thumping and aggressive pointing. Many of the local dropkicks battle it out for the title of the "King of the Jungle", basically, a title awarded to the Roc City resident who causes the most mayhem and destruction on a weekend night.

In a bold plan to combat the thuggery in Roc City a group of residents have begun lobbying the City of Rockingham, for permission to build a massive UFC-style Octagon Cage off the main strip. In this cage, aggressive residents can settle their differences without being a threat to the public.

It is believed by the residents that each night, the biggest and baddest of Roc City would be drawn to the massive free-for-all cage, to watch the local tough guys battle it out. The cities pubs and bars would therefore be free of the menacing types that have tarnished Roc City's name.

An additional benefit of the cage, is that the padded floor would significantly reduce one-punch fatalities, which have become the scourge of Western Australian media for the previous 5 years.

Other resident's fear that the cage will encourage young men to settle their differences with violence rather than by peaceful means. We spoke to Lex Kingsley, the head lobbyist about the critics of his plan:

"Look. Ever heard the story of the scorpion and the frog? A scorpion asked a frog for a lift across the river and the frog said, fuck no, you will just sting me. The scorpion said, nah mate, then we will both drown. Anyway, the frog takes the scorpion across the river and halfway across, the scorpion plunges his stinger into the frogs dick, the frog asked why, and the scorpion told him, I stung you because I'm a flaming scorpion ya gallah!. Moral of the story? - These animals will fight no matter what, lets just separate em from the public and keep Rocko safe for the average punters".

Lex may just have a point. Lets save the metaphorical sting from our metaphorical dicks.

Victor's Secret - Male Lingerie Store to Open on Hay Street

22 November 2013, 12:30pm

Victoria's Secret has been supplying woman with sexy lingerie for decades and has become a mainstay of the female wardrobe.

Sadly, men have been deprived of the same shopping experience. All this is about to change, with Victoria's Secret announcing that it will be opening its first "Victor's Secret" shop in Perth's famous Hay Street Mall on 12 December 2013.

A spokesperson for Victor's Secret released the following statement to the media:

"Male lingerie is really the final taboo. I think Perth men will really relish the opportunity to go shopping for sexy underwear together. Your average Aussie bloke will now get a chance to check with his mates whether his new lacey male lingerie will look cute and impress that special lady. We also envisage, that men from the Eastern States will ask their friends who visit Perth to bring them back a sexy little number".

Not everyone in Perth is abuzz with the same excitement, with some male shoppers calling the proposed store "misguided" and "unholy". The Bell Tower Times spoke to, Shane, a guy we found shopping for grundies at Target, he told us:

"ahhh.... I am not sure Victor's Secret will be a success. I don't reckon blokes want to go underwear shopping together, if you ask me, if your jocks have at least 70% elasticity and there are few signs of visible skid marks, then most girls will be satisfied. There really isn't a need for lace or g-strings or other homo shit".

On the other hand, we were informed by a confidential source, that the Treasuer, Troy Buswell, described the store as "fantastic". 

The success of the store will surely be measured based on the sales for Christmas this year. We ask our readers, would you buy your dad or brother a pair of lacey Y-fronts for Christmas?

Indonesian Spying Scandal: Diplomatic Solution - President Takes a Valium and a Jack & Coke

21 November 2013, 5:15pm

Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono, has written Australia Prime Minister Tony Abbott a letter demanding an explanation of why his telephone was tapped a number of years ago. 

President Bambang has even gone so far to "downgrade" Australia's relationship with Indonesia and refuse to pledge military assistance to deal with the issue of asylum seekers fleeing war torn countries. 

We note that many Australian's are unaware that Indonesia (or Bali, as its commonly known) kept a ranking system on fellow nations. 

Whether Indonesia has overreacted to the scandal or not is a matter of debate, however there is a growing sentiment in Australia that President Bambang just needs to bang down a couple of Valiums, enjoy a cool glass of Jack & Coke and fuckin' relax. 

It is understood that President Bambang has also written scathing letters to Google for keeping records of his unique pornographic fetishes (ironically, involving naked woman writing letters) and a letter to NASA expressing his fury over the Associations' satellites that hover over the Earth, which conveniently includes Indonesia. 

If you have any chill pills or bottles of silky smooth Jacks to spare, send them via Jakarta, and let this whole shit storm blow over.

Ugly Scenes in Cottesloe: Man Adds Ice To His Pint of Beer

10 November 2013, 4:20pm 

A horrific scene of un-Australianism has erupted at a popular bar located on Cottesloe beach this afternoon, when a local man, Charlie Daniels, buckled under the pressure of the 38 degree heat and added a couple of ice cubes to his pint of Carlton Draught.

Naturally, Daniel's mates took immediate offence to the unorthodox decision to add ice to beer. However, a German tourist, Hans Gunten, who was sitting near Daniels took particular offence to the scene, told The Bell Tower Times:

"Oh mein gott (oh my god), what a sacrilege to the fine tradition of beer. If he wanted watery beer why not order an American Budweiser yah? In Germany, he would be laughed our of the Beer Hall, it is the [brat]worst thing I've ever seen".

Daniels was observed sipping his pint and being noticeably repulsed by the watery beer that had been caused by the a scientific process known as dilution and some shit to do with the density of the beer compared to the water (the top was watery).

The Bell Tower Times was on the scene to take this exclusive statement from Daniels:

"I'm pretty embarrassed  A couple of cute backpackers were giggling at me and one raised her little finer to indicate I had a tiny, flaccid cock. I suppose I deserved it. I ruined my beer, pissed off a German and was humiliated by my mates. To make matters worse, my girlfriend bought me the next round, a glass of chardonnay with a tampon on the side, as the kids say... fuck my life".

If you want your beer to stay cold, order a middie, drink it faster or take a good hard look at yourself.

Police Strikes Expected Over Commissioner's Move to Remove McDonald's Discount

5 November 2013, 3:45pm

Victorian police Chief, Ken Lay, has written to McDonalds and requested that they discontinue the discount offered to members of the Victorian Police Force. Read the story here.

There are concerns that the provision of free burgers will entice police to spend more time in McDonalds than on their respective beats. There are also concerns that the bulging waistline of our nation's finest is sending a poor message to the public.

After all, how can a police officer catch a crook, if they haven't even buttoned up their pants and removed themselves from McDonalds to give chase?

Police officers in Victoria are planning to walk off the job on 6 November 2013, to protest the actions taken by Ken Lay. One officer told The Bell Tower Times that he wasn't even going to look at the pile of unsolved car burglary reports that he has had on his desk since 2007, until there is confirmation he can continue to dine at McDonalds for a fraction of the price of other people.

In a show of unity, Western Australian police are considering taking similar action and walking off the job tomorrow to protest the unfair treatment being shown towards their Victorian brothers. A WA police officer, who had worked closely with Trust Fund, told the Times:

"Folks don't understand how demanding our job can be. We are literally heroes. Each and every one of us, heroes. It makes me sick that the maggots we call citizens, have a crack at us for getting half priced fast food. So what if they need to pay full price? They aren't saving lives and being heroes".

The Bell Tower Times received information from a source,  that in the event of a strike was held tomorrow, the only police service that would not be disrupted would be the road safety and traffic unit, in the sources words, "our radars will never stop". 

The potential strike in WA has petrol station and pharmacy attendants in the Midland and Armadale areas nervous.

Would you like fries with your tantrum?

Office Alcoholic: Melbourne Cup Luncheon Just a Warm-up for the Christmas Party

4 November 2013, 10:15am

Tomorrow, employers across Australia will be hosting dignified luncheons to celebrate the Melbourne Cup, one of Australia's most famous sporting events. Normally, employees are permitted to have a few drinks to go with their strawberries & cream.

Frank McEvoy, 41, holds the unenviable title of the office drunk at his job in Perth's CBD. McEvoy relishes any opportunity to rapidly consume drinks at the various staff functions. Once intoxicated, he is known to drunkenly leer at the female staff, spit when he talks and normally ends up with a reasonable amount of piss on his trousers from his atrocious aiming.

The Bell Tower Times never misses an opportunity to delve into the mind of an office piss-head, so we contacted McEvoy and asked him what was special about the Melbourne Cup luncheon:

"Melbourne Cup is really important. It is the first office function since the end of financial year party, where free drinks are put on for staff members. Last year I drank 8 beers in the one hour event and then went off to the pub during my lunch break  It was amazing, I think i consumed about 14 beers from 11am - 2pm. A fair effort on a Tuesday ay?"

Other coworkers were not as gracious about McEvoy's alcoholic behavior, we spoke to the reception who told us:

"One word. Gross. He gets all the beer foam caught in his dirty facial hair and sooo much slag builds up in the corner of his mouth.  It is pretty obvious that he uses the Melbourne Cup luncheon to gauge just how far he can go, in terms of drinking on the job. 

He likes footy metaphors, he once told me that Melbourne Cup was like the derby and the office Christmas party was the "grand final"... I just hope he doesn't try to look down my top again".

Bizarrely, McEvoy beleives that his behavior goes under the radar. Little does he know, some of his coworkers have been taking bets on the exact time McEvoy's wife will storm into the office, blast him for his alcoholism and threaten to take the kids to her mothers house for the night. Last year, the time was 2:50pm.

McEvoy, you are a mess sir.

School Excursion to Swanbourne Sand Dunes Proves Misguided

30 October 2013, 2:40pm

A Victorian teacher, Mr Carlton, had recently moved to Perth to commence his employment as a high school biology teacher at one of Perth's leading public schools.

He had earned a solid reputation in Victoria for engaging students and promoting a "hands on" approach to learning. Students were excited when Mr Carlton announced that he would be taking his biology class to Swanbourne Beach to study the Eco-system and as a general reward for the classes good behavior.

Mr Carlton's class arrived at Swanbourne Beach at 8:30am and the class began taking notes on the native plants. Mr Carlton's enthusiasm got the better of him and he announced to his class that they would take a quick peak at the sand dunes adjacent to the Beach.

Mr Carlton and his students were in the sand dunes for approximately 30 seconds before they stumbled across a man in a cowboy hat passionately sodomising another man who was gripping a soccer ball for relief. The men were exerting an incredible amount of energy and were said to have been literally frothing at the mouths.

Students reported that Mr Carlton acted quickly and ushered the children away from the scene. However, Mr Carlton's decision to take the children into the sand dunes was dealt another blow when one of the students spotted a third man in the sand dunes who was perched above the fornicating couple and engaged in violent masturbation while filming the men on his Iphone 5.

Eyewitnesses in the Swanbourne Beach car park saw a group of screaming and crying children come running from the dunes, reportedly looking traumatised and nauseous. One child had even vomited on himself.

Mr Cartlon is reportedly heartbroken that his excursion had descended into the pits of depravity and that he had subjected his students to such a vile scene. We are unsure whether the school will take disciplinary action against the teacher for his lack of judgment.

Just another day in paradise (Swanbourne Beach).

Landscaper Loses Plot Trying to Swat a Fly Away From Mouth

29 October 2013, 6:30pm

Perth Landscaper, Marvin Smith, lost his composure today while trying to swat a fly away from his mouth.

Smith was constructing a limestone wall at a property in Bedford, when the rogue insect hovered around Smith's head and repeatedly landed on Smith's lip.

Onlookers reported that Smith's swatting became erratic and aggressive and the scene turned ugly when Smith put too much gusto into a swat and smashed his sunglasses from his head. It was at this point that Smith allegedly went troppo.

An eye witness told the Bell Tower Times that Smith's demeanor changed quickly and he began yelling obscenities and taking hay maker swings at the insect. He eventually made contact and was observed grinning maniacally at the remains of the insect smeared across his palm.

The raging storm brewing in Smith's heart  calmed down with the demise of the insect, and the landscaper returned to finish his limestone wall.

We warn members of the public to invest in insect repellent this summer, or you may make a spectacle of yourself too.

Human Rights Group: Asian Driver Stereotype Unfair

28 October 2013, 4:30pm

Perth human rights group, Colour Blind, have appealed to the Australian public to stop perpetuating the myth that "Asians are bad drivers".

It is believed by some that people of Asian descent have inferior driving ability compared to anglo-saxon drivers. A myth with no evidence to support it.

Spokesman for the group, Angus Po, released the following statement on Colour Blind's Facebook page:

"We appeal to all members of the Australian public to stop saying that Asians are bad drivers. This stereotype is lazy and fails to take into account the sub-standard driving behaviors of a number of other ethnic groups. We want the stereotype to reflect the true status quo. For example, everyone knows that Arabic people don't know what to do in a round-a-bout, and that African people have great difficulty in merging and correctly using an indicator... So instead of cursing 'Asian drivers' we implore people to make reference to 'ethnic drivers' when screaming obscenities from the window of their cars".

The Bell Tower Times took to the street to find out what the average punter thought:

Karla Wong is of Chinese descent, she told us: "OMG about time. The stereotype should just be limited to Filipino drivers though, they are the worst".

Dean Carlo is of Italian descent, he told us: "I fully agree mate, no one ever picks up on how shithouse Greeks are behind the wheel. Always trying to drag race and have those fluffy dice hanging from the mirror".

Edward Yabo is of Sudanese descent, he told us: "we have a saying back in Sudan to describe an idiot, we say, you are steering like a Ugandan! ha!".

Bruce McKinson is of Australian descent, he told us: "I agree with updating the stereotype. My biggest problem is with fairies behind the wheel. If you are gay you are bound to drive gay, and thats not on"

Frankly, Colour Blind's campaign raises more questions than it answers. We admire them for wanting to make a difference, however, we do not feel that Australia is ready for all these additional weird stereotypes. We encourage people to not accuse each other of steering like Ugandans.

Self Styled Instagram Model Shocked at Chadwick's Rejection

25 October 2013, 9:30am

Lara Swindon, 21, is hot-to-trot. At least thats what slimey photographer, Milan Slobovic told her when she engaged his services for 10 'modelling photos' for the low price of $35.00 inclusive of GST.

Lara was so stoked with the heavily filtered photos, that she instantly uploaded them to her Instagram account. She was elated when her solid following of desperate males 'liked' the shots.

Lara is an avid user of Instagram and regarded by many as a blatant attention seeker. She likes and comments on other girls 'modelling photos' at least 30 times a day in the hope that they will reciprocate the kudos. She also has a reputation as someone who fishes for compliments, her favorite method is to post  flattering photos of herself and include captions such as "LOL, bit of a fatty!" or "OMG I look like an extra on the Walking Dead :P". 

One Instagram user, known as "@RomanticBoy", whose profile photo is a shot of himself at a "European" music festival exposing his abdomen region and sticking his tongue out,  posted the following comment under one of her photos:

"Hubba Hubba ah-roooo. You are so hot babe, this is a gazillion times better than those sluts in magazines xxx".

We contacted Milan Slobovich, a self confessed amateur photographer and full-time bag of shit, he told us:

"I only do this to have a perv. She was alright looking. Not fat or nothing. I told her that she should send a link of her Instagram account to Chadwick Models, cos she would be accepted for sure. I then brushed past her to  grab a USB stick, making sure my dick rubbed up against her arm. It was a good day for Milan". 

Lara followed Milan's advice and sent her 'professional photos' and a link to her Instagram account to the prestigious modelling agency. A mere 20 minutes after emailing the agency she received a response, Lara told us:

"FML. They said they were unable to consider my request at this time. They said I should seek out some modelling work and get back to them after I have built up a solid portfolio. They are obviously wrong. I did totes amazeballs in this years Ms Universe competition, I didn't make it to the second round, but the judges thanked me for MY TIME, that is saying a lot ya know". 

We understand that Lara has applied to Supre with the hopes of appearing on their infamous television ads. You know the ones.

WA Liquor Reform: Patrons Required to Give DNA Sample and Police Statement

23 October 2013, 7:00am

Have Perth liquor laws finally gone too far? This is the question that is echoing down the halls of human rights institutions throughout Australia

Radical reforms are being argued in Parliament and if passed patrons may be required to give a sample of their DNA (hair, blood or saliva) at the door and sign a waiver that surrenders their right to remain silent in the event of a police investigation. The reforms are being dubbed "Pay to Play Laws".

The reforms have divided public opinion. On the one hand, they may reduce alcohol related violence, on the other hand, they are completely unethical and attack a citizens basic rights.

This is how it will work: if a venue is declared a 'Problem Venue' by the authorities, they will be forced to install  DNA collecting units at all entrances of their venue. Patrons will be required to give a sample of their hair, saliva or blood, that will be kept in a database. Police will have full access to his database in the event a crime has or is suspected to have occurred.

If a patron's DNA is connected to a crime, they will be compelled to provide a statement to police or risk being barred from all licensed venues in Western Australia for up to 5 years. To add insult to injury the police are permitted to retain the patrons DNA throughout the period of their ban in the event of non compliance.

Human rights activist, Robin St Croix, told the BTT:

"These laws are absolutely outrageous. It represents a further attempt for the WA Government to convince the public that liquor related harm is SO bad, that we need to extend the Government and police's power to extraordinary levels. I urge you all to resist the reforms".

Northbridge regular, Deano, told the BTT:

"If they want my DNA they can scrape the crusty ejaculate off my jeans mate. Nanny-state horsefeed mate".

As we reflect on the image of Deano's soiled denim, we cant help to think that that if we put WA's liquor laws through the wash, would they come out clean?

WA Posties Flex Their Muscles In Anticipation of Outlaw Bikie Anti-Association Laws

21 October 2013, 11:30am

Queensland Premier, Campbell Newman recently enacted the toughest anti-association laws that the nation has ever seen. In Queensland it is now illegal for members of outlaw motorcycle gangs to fraternise together, own tattoo parlours and even be in certain areas.

Premier Newman has sent a message to thugs with one hand on his cock and the other flashing a middle-finger in the air. It remains to be seen whether Western Australia's Premier Colin Barnett will follow suit and enact similar laws.

A vast majority of Western Australians would like to see the State crackdown on outlaw bikies, however WA Posties are unquestionably the most keen to see the anti-association laws gets passed through parliament.

Large groups of WA Posties have been seen riding in unison and proudly flashing their distinctive orange and yellow colours and badges. If anti-association laws are implemented in WA, it is likely that bikies will take their criminal enterprises inter-state, and leave the drug, extortion and illegal firearm trade up for grabs in WA.

We spoke to a a Postie that asked to remain anonymous, he told The Bell Tower Times:

"The Government will never declare Australia Post a criminal organisation  We will therefore be one of the few groups of motorbike riding bad-asses that will be unaffected by the anti-association laws. We have been waiting for this moment for years. The WA Posties control the mail, therefore we control you. You thought the Rebels were bad? Wait till you cop a express-post parcel to the back of your head motherfucker".

It is estimated that billions of dollars worth of contraband enters WA via the postal service every year . The Posties are in a uniquely advantageous position to take over the import and export of contraband given their control over the postal service.

It is rumored that Transit Security Officers are also eyeing off the throne. It is wildly feared that a brutal and bloody turf war may erupt between the Posties and the Train-cops. Both exert influence over vital elements of WA's infrastructure and both are hungry for power.

We suggest saying g'day to your Postie now, before its too late.

North Freo Man Brings Unwanted Intensity to CrossFit Class

17 October 2013, 6:50am

CrossFit is a fitness craze that is sweeping the nation and your average punter can find a class running every day of the week. The philosophy behind CrossFit is simple, have fun and exercise hard.

Brian Teller, 28, attends a local CrossFit class on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. His personal goal is to tone up for summer and foster a healthier lifestyle. However, eyewitnesses report that his passion for the class is often confronting and uncomfortable for other participants.

CrossFit instructor, Russell, 24, told The Bell Tower Times:

"Fuck me. Brian. His intensity is unreal. Almost every class he will start foaming and drooling from the  mouth while trying to push himself to the max. I remember one time I had to tell the lad to calm down because he was getting drool all over the other participants. He retaliated in a fit of passion and ripped his shirt off and punched a tyre".

Class participant, Sue, 32, told us:

"He paid close attention during the first class ice-breaking session.  He knows all our personal goals and he tries to motivate us in an aggressive and intense way. For example, when i was struggling to finish a set of pull ups he yelled 'thats not gonna get your wedding dress to fit is it love'... I suppose not".

Patrick Cho, 27, told us:

"He can be a bit of a dickhead at times. He keeps referring to his intense sets as 'state level' and refers to our sets as 'high school seconds at best'... I don't even know what he means". 

Whether you can handle Brian's unique brand of intensity and aggression is irrelevant, he embodies everything that CrossFit is about.

Twiggy's $65 Million UWA Donation Set to Make UWA Students Even More Insufferable

15 October 2013, 6:30pm

Western Australians are being warned to approach UWA students with caution in the wake of the announcement of Twiggy Forrest's $65 Million donation to the States Universities and a large amount going to UWA.

UWA students are already well known for their unearned sense of entitlement and superiority. The root of the problem stems from the University's large contingent of Golden Triangle residents and intake from the States most expensive private schools.

Students from the States other Universities are considered to be at particular risk, and are cautioned to not bring up the topic of PHD's and post graduate degrees at parties and other social events where a UWA pencil-neck might be lurking. It is feared that Twiggy's donation will further fuel the notion that UWA is the State's golden University.

UWA students are commonly found spending their parents money at Western Suburb bars. We ask the public to strongly reconsider their need to travel to these destinations for at least the next 2 months. Failure to adhere to this recommendation may induce strong urges to smack a smug student right in the mouth.

Twiggy's donation is undoubtedly generous. A fact that is strongly noted by the thousands of staff that have been made redundant from FMG over the last 5 years. Redundant employees cant help thinking that some of that $65 Million, would have been used to preserve their job, and not force them to return their Jet-Ski's and state of the art plasma television sets.

Council Worker Smashes Record: 5 Hours of Angry Birds

10 October 2013, 7:00am

Rory "Go Slow" Dobson, 31, has been a proud employee of one of Perth's biggest Local Government Authorities for over 10 years.

Dobson is a council worker and primarily performs gardening duties. You can occasionally see him mowing the Shire's medium strips and attending to dodgy looking branches.

On Wednesday the 9th of October, Dobson set a record among his peers: he spent a staggering 5 hours of his 7 hour shift playing Angry Birds on his mobile phone. Dobson smashed his workmates previous record of 2 hours.

Coworkers reported that Dobson was particularly committed to job-dodging on Wednesday, and was seen playing on his mobile phone in his Ute, in a series of public toilets and an impressive 1.5 hour stretch while on his extended lunch break at Hungry Jacks.

The Bell Tower Times arranged a meeting with Dobson to hear his thoughts on this ground-breaking achievement, Dobson told us (between playing levels on Angry Birds):

"Well, firstly, id like to thank God... ha ha ha.... yeh but nah... getting paid to play Angry Birds is living the dream mate. Got the work experience kid to do most of the gardening, and just sat back and dedicated myself to smashing Gibbo's record. A lot of motorists were beeping at me, when they saw me laid back against a cherry-picker smashing out Angry Birds... I reckon they were cheering me on. Good shit".

Dobson earns $45.00 per hour and has access to generous job perks such as salary sacrificing and the use of a council car. Over his 10 year career, he estimates that he has only performed about "500 odd days of hard yakka... and the rest were no worries... they don't call me Go Slow for nothing".

We love to see our tax dollars being spent so wisely.

Doctor Prescribes Himself a Can of Coke and a Cigarette

8 October 2013, 7:00am

On Monday, Dr Khano, 37, worked a 15 hour shift in the Emergency Department at one of Perth's major hospitals.

At the end of his shift, Dr Khano felt physically and mentally drained. Seeing as its now frowned upon for Doctors to dip into the Hospital's medicine cabinet, Dr Khano dealt with his ailment the only way he knew how: slopped out his prescription pad and prescribed himself a well earned dart and can of ice cold Coca Cola.

Dr Khano was seen walking from the hospital to his car nearby, savoring every sip of the black delicious and sucking on his cigarette like it had just paid him $50.00 in a back alley. Onlookers report that Dr Khano was in a state of bliss.

The Bell Tower Times contacted Dr Khano to ask him why he ignored all contemporary medical advice, and relied upon nicotine and sugar to deal with stress, he told us:

"A lot of people are confronted by the idea that a doctor would smoke or drink coke. We are only human, and this human just needed to take the edge off. Back in the old days, a doctor would just bribe a nurse to hook him up to an IV drip full of valium and then the doctor would masterbate himself calm. Those days are over". 

 Not all of Dr Khano's peers agree with his unhealthy stress relief strategy. A doctor who wished to remain anonymous told The Bell Tower Times:

"You will never see me smoke. I simply squeeze into my Lycra, cycle home (aggressively) and then lather myself in relaxing oils while looking at my many certifications and degrees. I get high of my own self-satisfaction. That is the true doctors way"

 Hmm. We don't know about you, but we prefer Dr Khano's strategy.

Statewide Crackdown on Kebab Industry

3 October 2013, 7:00am

The Australian Competition and Consumer Commission and Department of Health have launched a statewide crackdown on the kebab industry, in an effort to ensure consumers can purchase the Turkish delicacy with confidence.

The ACCC has received a litany of complaints from consumers in connection with the kebab industry. A spokesman for the ACCC provided this statement to The Bell Tower Times:

" your having few drinks with your mates, decide that you fancy a kebab, purchase one, only to be handed a sloppily made, wrap of crap, that seems to catapult grease, sauce and kebab meat onto your nice clean shirt. It's really not that hard to put together a decent kebab. The public can rest assured we will clean up this industry".

Sloppy kebabs are not the only targets of the crackdown. The Department of Health told The Bell Tower Times that they will be targeting the high levels of salmonella found in kebabs, which often result in  pub goer's feeling a bit crook the next day.

It remains to be seen how effective the crackdown, which rolls out on Saturday night, will be. We decided to hit the streets to find out what Perthians hate about kebabs:

Tom Smee, 19, says:

"your all sweet for the first 90% of the thing, but then what the fuck are you meant to do with the last few centimeters? It's fucked... It's like.... it starts out as a nice firm cock but by the end your face deep in a sloppy coochie". 

Kelly Madison, 25, says:

"they never get the sauce right. It's either way too dry, or as soggy as an old boys jocks".

Kristian Samual, 18, says:

"ahhh... what did Tom Smee just say?"

Mary Toddington, 30, says:

"the doner meat scares me. You could literally be eating a cat for all you knew. I think there needs to be more information available in the stores".

Marky Samson, 22, says:

 "I'm pretty sure my taxi driver on Friday was the same bloke serving me a kebab on Saturday".

The Bell Tower Times agrees: what the heck did Tom Smee just say?