The Human Zoo - Ms Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day used to represent the Hall-water-Mark of consumerism. A day when the wave of pointless spending crashed on the shore of forced sentiment and girls got some flowers and guys got their dicks gobbled like the cookie monster at morning tea.

That fuckery was bad enough, but now Valentine’s Day is a social media decathlon of rubbing your receipt-backed love in other bitches faces #stickthatinyourunlovedface. If love is a competition then Chrissy plans to win and be adorned in more gold than Cuntsain Bolt.

The first event is breakfast in bed. Dan had better get up 40 minutes early and whip up an Instagrammable acai bowl with a fresh smoothie if he wants his little dick raised like evidence at a Church Royal Commission. She posts at 6:45am:

“O.M.G YASSSS breakfast in bed, feeling so spoiled by my love #love#valentinesday #lucky #jelly#notalone #happy #sheisloved #inlove #bae”.

Chrissy forms an early lead. The next event is her mention in The West Australian's Book of Love.

Oh shit, Dan has cheaped out and only expressed his love in 2 lines! She has 13k followers on Instagram, she deserves 3 lines. On a scale 1 to Tom Cruise jumping on the couch like a fucking psycho, 2 lines is a god damned 0.

Chrissy cries in the office toilet until a workmate comes in and tells her there is a delivery for her. Boom, she has burst into the 3rd event swinging: her bouquet, chocolate and teddy bear package is huge. She posts:

“The day just keeps getting better  Feeling the love! #lindt #roses#loveisintheair #cute #helovesme #lovewins #followme #sizematters

Size does matter. In fact, it’s not representative of the love towards her, rather the size of the gaping hole of insecurity she feels in her relationship. Nevermind that, she is winning. Over 100 likes so far. Yassss.

Crissy is feeling good coming into the final event: Valentine’s Day dinner. Poor old Dan really destroyed his credit card and arranged dinner at Nobu after taking Chrissy to their Crown Tower’s hotel room complete with a bed covered in roses and a Tiffany’s box. “Uh will you like marry me babe?”

That shit is so cliche a James Blunt concert might break out. After obsessively checking out all her rivals posts she lands the deathblow of love:

“You know you have found the one when he treats you to Crown Towers, Nobu and Tiffanys! LOVE IS IN THE AIR. I SAID YES! 

Despite Dan spending 1000’s, she somehow makes “being in love” look as appealing as getting waterboarded to the sounds of Waleed’s monologues.

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The Human Zoo - The Social Media "Nutritionist"

Liz’s rise to influencer fame has been rocky at best. Initially, she tried to plug beauty regimes, but nobody cared about her when she put on the facial mask. Next, she dabbled in exercise but as it turns out there are quite a few people who know quite a lot more about exercise than her. So, #cleaneating it is.

She clears all the filth from her Instagram page like it was a 15 year old's web browser history and reinvents herself as a bubbly nutritional guru in an introductory video:

“Hey guys! Don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel and follow me on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter *he he*. Join me to learn how abs are made in the kitchen, not just the gym. First video dropping soon! Eat clean, live clean!”

To be fair, she’s already on her way as she did give quite a few of her contacts a good ab workout from laughing at the staggering bullshit coming from her mouth. She may eat clean for the duration of an Insta video but on the weekends her body is a periodic table of chemicals that she gleefully snorts off of toilet seats and shit. Clean.

Now, one cannot simply “drop” a recipe video willy-nilly. First, she needs to patronise the shit out of you by giving you an insta-story tutorial on how to go fucking shopping. She bravely ventures forth like the Lara Croft of the fruit & veg section and regurgitates ripeness information while foraging for wild berries in the berry section. Foundation rocking.

Next she lays out all the produce she put on father’s AMEX on her parent’s kitchen bench. She makes sure the Chobani yoghurt tub clearly visible, as her next step is to pretend she has an endorsement by the company:

“A lot of people ask me which yoghurt is best, I always go @chobani, no other yoghurt has the same mix of essential probiotics for gut health, guys, never skimp on quality”

Stop the lies, no one has ever asked you shit Liz.

She changes into her @Lululemon wear, does her makeup and films herself revealing the nutritional properties of Acai, bananas, strawberries a scoop of @muscletech protein powder, @chobai yoghurt and then showing the complexities of putting said ingredients into a bowl stylistically.

Congratulations, if you are still watching you have just spent 10 minutes of your day watching the magic of somebody buy, make and eat a bowl of fucking fruit. Although a good cunt-ician never reveals her secrets, so the tutorial video conveniently excludes how much sugar is in the bowl or the part where scoffs a handful of laxatives to guarantee those abs.

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The Human Zoo - Mrs Supermoon

Dooren’s expectations for the Supermoon were sky high so she loaded up the “didn’t pull out-mobile” and drove her family to the Rockingham Foreshore.

They roamed the fertile grounds looking for a spot amongst the herds of Supermooners who made the area look like the land that Colgate forgot.

Once settled, they began demolishing vast quantities of fish & chips until their communal breath smelled like a mermaid’s whore house. “This is the biggest thing since last year's Supermoon, it better be good”.

Dooren’s hubby tightened his crossed arms and scoffed, “nah it’ll be fuck all, I saw a moon bigger than the sun up North ay”. You know what they say, there is nothing bigger than an oil rig moon.

At around 1830 the Supermoon exposed itself and shocked the foreshore like it was Bert Newton’s head flashing out of a cheap trench coat.

People desperately took photos but it was undeniable, the Supermoon was pretty shit. Slightly bigger, slightly shinier, like an astro-cold sore with luna-carmex smeared on thick.

Dooren is outraged but she doesn’t really know who to blame. Accordingly, she relies on the therapy of the thicko - Perth Have a Whinge.

“FAR OUT! $30 on fuel, $80 on fish & chips all for what!? Irresponsible media reporting it as eing a SUPERMOON, shouldve just stayed at home and not botherd!!! Sersiouly Perth, why cant we hav gud family entertainment!!! Now my kids are refusin to go to bed GRRR”.

Her baffling complaint gains traction as it orbits pointlessly in the outrag-a-verse. Countless families feeling aggrieved by the Supermoon validate her anger with a like.

Dooren is feeling born anew in purpose and takes her fight to the highest Court in the land: A Current Affair.

Grimshaw reads the complaint and salivates while writing the headline in her head. “Perth’s dodgiest moon, it says it's super but it's ripping off families and not even having the decency to eclipse”.

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