#1 Embracing Nepotism 

A real winner knows there are two types of jobs: the one you are qualified for and the better paid one your dad's mate can handball to you.  Nepotism makes the world go round, baby, and it has been like that since the dawn of time, no matter how many workplaces end up as total clusterfucks due to crippling incompetency. 

To truly embrace nepotism you have to slay that nagging demon in your head that suggests you should upskill or commit to professional development. Just get on your knees and gobble the throbbing member of cronyism. Sure, you might feel bad for the deserving candidate, but there will always be someone with a Cottesloe Golf Club membership to assure you that it's ok, and then hand you a moist towelette of unearned progression. 

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The Human Zoo - The Perth Irishman

Paraic isn’t getting high off the Perth craic lately. The FIFO gravy train has derailed, half his friends have fled and to make matters worse immigration are investigating him over his 2013 fruit picking lies.

He briefly held down a construction job in Perth until his boss tried to make him take a breathalyser test on a dusty Saturday morning. Maybe it was his refusal, or maybe it was the fact he had his superior by the throat up against a wall, “I will in my fuck pal!”

He never understood what all the fuss was about. What we call “assault” in Australia is just a standard workplace negotiation in his hometown of Limerick.

He laments his woes to an Aussie bar girl at his local, “bunch of pussys like ya marrrrn there was up in my shit over a few drinks and all, I cannnnotbedoingwiththat, d’yaknowwhatImeanlike?” She has no fucking clue.

Every day is Saint Patrick’s Day when you are unemployed, so Paraic sinks several more pints before getting a call from a mate. The lads are drinking at Rosie O’Grady’s in Northbridge, so he jumps in his Triton, and suburban swerves the back streets, just to be sure.

Despite being out of work for over a month, all the lads are still in full Hi-Vis. Partly because they are saving their best threads for next UFC pay per view, and partly because as far as the Australian Government is concerned, they are all gainfully employed.

After some banter, Paraic is busting for a piss and being drunk, bored or whatever, he decides to chase the snake out of his pants at the bar. A staff member approaches him, “what the fuck are you doing, someone has to clean that up you animal!”

Like Mi-flog Flatley, Paraic tries to Riverdance around the blame, “wasn’t me like, dis puddle was here all along like”. His slurring is unconvincing, and a manager walks over, “again mate? That’s it, you’re banned for life”.

Paraic thrashes around like a newborn deer emerging from its birthing sack, “I didn’t do natttttttttttttttttin like, didn’t do natttttttttttttttttttttttin I’m a harrrrrmless individual”.

A couple of bouncers grab Paraic to remove him forcibly. This does little to stem his anger, and like Conor Cooont-Gregor he starts mouthing threats, “I’ll box the head off ya marrrrrrn, lets fooking have it, lad”.

Predictably the police are called, and Paraic is eventually served with another liquor prohibition notice. He regales his housemates with the story, “and this female copper like, I said, who lit the fuse on your tampon like”.

What a 4 cunt clover.

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Smoko Chat: Why Your Apprentice is a Little Bitch

Blokes are always asking me, “Keifo, why is my apprenno a little bitch?” Bloody good question. Having dealt with more apprentices than a second-hand ute dealer, I reckon I got this covered.
Workplace Harassment Laws
So yesterdee, I had me eighth HR meeting for the month. Some pelican told me that wallpapering my apprentice’s locker with print outs of big dicks and making him sing like a choir boy for a week was “harassment”.
Bullying made me the well-adjusted, hard as nails man I am today. I remember once I complained about a headache, so an old boss shat in my hardhat every day for 3months and made me wear it. It was a bloody good laugh, and even though I contracted hepatitis from it, at least I wasn’t a pussy. So, tell your apprentice to cry into a pillow, like a real bloke, and not to a HR rep like a little bitch.
Occupational Health & Safety
Don’t even get me started. Back in my day, we didn’t have to bloody stop work every minute and discuss how a loose electrical cord could hurt everyone’s feelings. Boo farken hoo. We got the job done, no matter what the inevitable collateral damage was going to be.
I remember me, old mate, Macka lost a few fingers when he jumped on the bandsaw when he was maggoted after a pub lunch. Yes, he has to wank with his left hand but at least he never made the mistake again, and that’s priceless in this game. Apprentices these days have never had to fear for their welfare, and it really shows.
The Impossible Standard we Set
Sometimes I get a little philosoftcockical after a coulpe of smoko bourbons. So, try this on for size, maybe it’s not that your apprentice is soft, maybe it’s just you who is hard as fuck. I had me first beer when I was 8 years old. Was parched after rooting ya mum ha ha, yeh, but, nah, seriously, Millennials are brought up on iPads, gender neutro toilets and hair gel. You’d be kiddin’ yaself if you thought anyone born in the 90s wasn’t going to be a total nonce.

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