The Human Zoo - Ms "The Bachelor 2018"

Kimmy watches The Bachelor to escape the reality of her own love life; if you could call the putrid garbage heap of mirror-masturbators and knuckle draggers she meets on Tinder a "love life".

Each year, for a few hours a week, her cat & desperation stained apartment is transformed into the "Bachie Pad" and she buys into the reality of trite televised romance; maybe she could bait a honey badger of her own  - if you know what she means.

Kimmy is unclear exactly when she crossed the line from “ironic viewer” to “overly invested Bach-addict”. Perhaps it was when she surpassed her previous record of 40 angry tweets during an opening episode. It's not her fault, she gets passionate, and those "sluts" on TV are undeserving of a one on one scrum with Nick Cummins.

It is undeniable that Kimmy has a problem; consult the ever-growing heap of tissues next to her couch that expanded every time she was "convinced" the honey badger has fallen in love at first sight - which she is convinced happened 15 times in the first episode.

Her friends begin to worry as she goes down the same path as previous seasons as she starts sharing trash articles containing “hot takes” on the season opener. It probably isn't a good use of her time, but she doesn't care, she is an addict, and is mercilessly freebasing the bitter chemical of trash television.

The premiere of The Bachelor 2018 was an emotional rollercoaster for her; especially when she witnessed the choreographed “drama” of Nick Cummins’ “ex” being allowed on the show. Hats off to Channel 10 for bringing the sexy back to a cheeky bit of stalking.

She immediately spends the next 30 minutes doing a little stalking of her own - looking for this woman’s Instagram. She finds a few accounts that “might” be hers and decides to double down on weird, obsessive behaviour,

“He pumped and dumped you, sweetie!!! Get a grip and get off the show!” To be safe, she sends this message to all seven accounts that might be the right woman. In love, or in bachie-lust, you can never be too careful.

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The Human Zoo - The Social Media Couple

Before social media, the only way a person would know you were in a relationship would be by “actually knowing you”. Thankfully, social media allows you to rub the nose of any irrelevant dickhead in your life in the piss puddle of your love. 

Facebook’s “relationship status” is fine for the plain old vanilla slice shortbread couples, but Chontay & Jayden are more significant to the world. Accordingly, Chontay double dips and before updating her relationship status she first posts a professionally taken shot of the pair:

“1.06.2018 two hearts became one. He took me out for Gelare (full price :P) and already knew my exact coffee order. Like a REAL KING he got down on one knee and asked me whether I would be his significant other :P :P :P THIS QUEEN SAID YES!#love #loveislove #swolemate #hotcouple#2hearts1soul”

Jesus, did someone order a lemonade because Jay Z and Beyonce are in the house! The gaping hole of narcissistic emptiness in their personalities is filled with a mighty rush of likes, comments and reacts. Sweet validation. 

The first few months of their relationship plays out across social media in a flurry of cringey selfies and sweet nothings that they’d never bother saying to each other in real life. Jayden is no slouch when it comes to soppy limp-dickery and lands a wet fish right on her wall,

“Babe, every day I strive to be an entrepreneur, a king worthy of your hand my queen. I woke up and you’d left for work again, I will never get used to the cold side of your bed babe #xxx”

Then get a job as well you cuntrepreneur. 

Nevertheless, this excessive slop satisfies her in a way the microwaved sausage roll he calls a penis never could. Chontay’s girlfriends swoop in with comments like, “awww so sweet”, “you guys are the cutest”, “GOALS”. Whereas Jayden’s mates punch holes through their laptop screens while vocalising obscenities. 

Of course, behind the scenes, things are as tense as when O.J’s new girlfriend criticises his turkey carving technique at Christmas. The pair continually fights about the attention they respectively receive on social media. 

Chontay explodes after a couples gym photoshoot and accuses her king of dipping his quill in the ink of infidelity. Jayden snaps back and tells her that 90% of her followers are just thirsty guys and her brand is useless. Chontay then lands the deathblow and asks how a “CEO, dreamer & boss” can never afford his own festival ticket. 

After the exchange, they pretty much fucking hate each other. So Chontay posts a gift basket from her king (that she actually bought for herself) with a rambling caption about how lovers fight, but more importantly, that lovers heal. 

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The Human Zoo - Mrs Coles Miniature Range

Kath is the sort of full-time mummy that will decry Coles for profiteering with 15c plastic bags, but happily spend $30 each trip to try and secure a sea-turtle throat lozenge from the My Little Shop Miniature Range. Suburban life is about contrasts. 

So far, Kath has 28 pieces and according to her intense Facebook ranting, Coles’ are dogs for creating a supply shortage and thus forcing her to continue buying $30 of frozen food products every shop. Well, no shit - it’s almost like this is a marketing stunt designed to drive up revenue after bag-ageddon.

You see, Kath knows that it’s far easier to send the family budget into chaos than teach her little entitlings the concept of “no”. Although to be fair, while young Methan and D’erissa merciless whinge about missing a tiny White King, Kath has become quite attached to the range herself.

How attached? Well, let’s just say she made a difficult decision to liberate a couple of Dollarmites from the captivity of young Methan’s Dreamsaver account. A sacrifice to be sure, but in the pursuit of useless pieces of fucking shit, everyone must do their bit.

To complete the collection she posts a photo of her spare toys and proposes a swap on FB Marketplace. She manages to swap a Vicks Vapor Rub for a Vanish Stain Remover - but that crafty White King still eludes her. An unscrupulous cretin senses her desperation and offers a straight sell - $100.

Kath still has a few more plays left from the queening-hand book and declines the extortionate offer. Adding he should be “ashamed of himself” as young Methan hasn’t stopped crying in 2 weeks. Like a Thai cave diver, she knows she needs to sink low to pull off a miracle, so she marches down to Belmont Forum.

While paying for the weeks 5th haul, she stands over the check out chick, “I know you’ve got the White King back there”. She squeaks, “no ma’am they are random”. Kath leans over the counter and staunches the child, “I always get what I want”. Thanks to this appaling display Kath manages to join the non-exclusive club of people escorted from Belmont Forum while pulling a Michael-Gardiner-3-hour-coke-wank expression.

Defeated, she storms home and agrees to pay $100 for the White King. She has the complete set but the euphoric ecstasy soon turns methy when Kath reveals her master plan. She snatches the entire collection away from her kids and posts a photo on Facebook Marketplace - “ful set COLES MINUATURE RANGE - $500”.

Well, there goes the last chance of alien life wanting to make contact with us.

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