Aprils Fools! Police to Lower Alcohol Limit to 0.02

31 March 2014, 10:00am

The nations police intend to prank motorists tomorrow for Aprils Fools Day by lowering the blood alcohol limit to 0.02. 

Anyone who accuses the Police of not having a bloody good laugh are bloody wrong.

A confidential source told The Bell Tower Times that Police from each state have been briefed and told to have some fun on a day notorious for pranks and trickery. Additional Police resource will be dedicated to setting up over 5000 random breath test points throughout the nation. Any driver who blows under 0.05 but over 0.02 will be told they are under arrest for drink driving and will be forced to accompany the Police officer back to the nearest station or booze bus.

Learner and P plate drivers will be advised that they are required to return a negative reading. Therefore, they will be arrested if they return a reading of 0.00 or higher. 

We understand that once at the station or booze bus, the Police will advise the driver that they have been the victim of a hilarious Aprils Fools Day prank and will be released (as soon as the Police are satisfied they do not have any outstanding warrants for arrest). 

A spokesman for the Minister for Police told The Bell Tower Times:
"Never before have the nations police united to execute the mother of all practical jokes. It is great to see bloody good coppers from all our wonderful states having a bloody good laugh. It will show the public that there is a real person with a real sense of humour behind the badge".
Police chiefs from each state have also advised their men, to use any force necessary to successfully carry out the prank. Accordingly, anyone who refuses to accept that the blood alcohol limit is reduced to 0.02 can be physically restrained and cuffed. The rationale for the use of force is - "any maggot who doesn't want to have a bloody good laugh probably has something to hide".

We love our boys in blue.

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MKR's Pete Evan's Face Considered a Bio-Hazard

28 March 2014, 11:30am

Pete Evans is Australia's most popular cooking reality TV host and is the comprehensible ying to the incomprehensible Manu's yang 

Evans shocked viewers and environmentalists this season when he showed off his new slimmed down and heavily botoxed face.

Evans has reportedly undergone so many plastic surgery procedures that his face is now considered to be less biodegradable than a plastic bag. Senator Scott Ludlam is even calling for a tax to be levied on Evan's face. In Ludlam's words:
"Pete Evan's face will outlive the pyramids. We need a special tax imposed on him, so that after his demise we can safely contain his face and protect the environment".
  We asked Manu what it was like working with Pete Evan's face:
"It was like the time I ate mushrooms in Paris and thought my bottle of coke was talking to me. Pete is a character - he sleeps standing up and needs the TV crew to give him at least 10 seconds warning if he needs to smile in the show - it takes work moving that face".
We tried to contact Evan's however we were told that he was in the process of activating his almonds-
believed to be the primary fuel for his bionic face.

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AFL Rookies Vanish Into James Hird's Laboratory

27 March 2014, 9:30am
Yesterday, The Essendon Football Club held an emergency press conference to announce that James Hird will remain the Essendon head coach and evil scientist in 2015.

The announcement has sparked outrage as the public fail to comprehend why Essendon is so fiercely protective and supportive of a man who allegedly tested unsafe performance enhancing drugs on his players.

Only hours after the announcement, a steady stream of young AFL rookies were seen entering James Hird's infamous secret laboratory in the leafy suburbs of South Yarra. A Bell Tower Times reporter watched the South Yarra property for 8 hours and reported that although 20 rookies went in, only one came out.

We can only speculate, but we believe James Hird is using pharmaceutical drugs bought in Mexico (or some shit) to try and build the Super Jobe - a player that is stronger, faster and has a thicker bottom lip than infamous Essendon experimentee - Jobe Watson.

We believe that biochemist, Steven Dank is approaching wayward and troubled AFL rookies and offering to put the pep back into their step. Those who agree to follow Dank are led to Hirds now infamous evil laboratory and can remain in Hird's diabolic custody for days.

We spoke to a survivor who wished to remain anonymous, he told The Bell Tower Times:

"I had come to a bit of grief in the pre-season. Me coach found out that I was doing cocaine. Long story short, I found myself in Hird's laboratory. I don’t want to talk about what happened. Hird is a protected species and speaking out against him is a career death sentence. What I will say though, is that Hird's urine is fluoro green and he eats raw chicken breasts".

Hird has an entire year to fine tune his experiments before unleashing them on the 2015 AFL season. God help us all.

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9/10 Men Only Wash Hands If Someone Else Is In Bathroom

26 March 2014, 10:00am

9 out of 10 Men only wash their hands after using the toilet when they beleive they are being watched.

A leading Western Australian University conducted a study into the bathroom hygiene habits of West Aussie men.

The study was aimed at discovering why Gastro was so prevelant amongst West Aussies and to make recomendations to the World Health Council in May 2014.

The results of the study were alarming. The study used heat sensors to determine whether a subject was releiving themselves and then subsequently using the hand washing facilities in a special made bathroom. We are told that the subjects beleived the study was focused on the chemicals found in urine rather than hand-washing frequency. The study found that from a test group of 1000 subjects:
1. 900 men only washed their hands when there was another man in the room.
2. 450 men only pretended to wash their hands when there was another man in the room. 
3. 50 men 100 men consistently washed their hands. 
4. 1 man actively stopped other men from washing their hands (anecdotal evidence).
We asked a researcher what they concluded from the study:

"There is an alarming complaincy in respect to washing hands. I dont think that these men know how quickly disease can spread when hands are not washed. We are baffled by Test subject 55, the man who stopped other people washing their hands. He was a wild brute of a man. He would question the other subjects sexuality if they tried to wash their hands, at one stage he wrestled another subject to the ground to prevent him from washing".
The problems appear only isolated to men. A similar study was conducted with females and it was found that out of the 1000 test subjects, all 1000 washed their hands. In fact, as females go to the bathroom in pairs it was found that they would assist in sensually lathering and washing each others hands. 

The results for the female study as the notepads used by the scientists are a little sticky.

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Transit Guards Now Authorised to Use Deadly Force

24 March 2014, 1:30pm

Fare evasion by shifty commuters is costing the WA Government millions of dollars per year and the Premier is not happy. The problem is compounded by the fact that total traffic infringements have fallen over the last financial year. Simply put, the Government is quickly going broke.

As a result, the Government has intensified its focus on income from public transport. Proposed changes to legislation will see Transit Guards being armed with tazers and hand-guns to enable them to effectively chase down and immobilise anyone who tries to avoid paying their fare.

If a Transit Guard has a reasonable suspicion that a commuter has travelled over 5 zones and attempts to evade capture by the Transit Guards, then the use of lethal force is authorised to protect the public and the Government's piggybank.

The new slogan that will be rolled out across WA media is: Getting a free ride? You're DEAD Wrong".

The Bell Tower Time's confidential Government source told us:

"The campaign is really quite simple. We hope that given the serious risk that you will be tazed, beaten and shot for evading a $4.50 fare, there will be a dramatic drop in fare evasion. The Government thinks that fare evasion is a gross disrespect to our great State and quite frankly the Elizabeth Quay Project has blown out and we can barely afford it".
 Watch out commuters.

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Buddy Franklin Distracted By "Pretty" GWS

19 March 2014, 10:00am

It was a shocking opening round to the AFL 2014 season. Of particular shock was Sydney's loss to underdogs Greater Western Sydney.

Clearly, every member of the Swans was forced to do some soul-searching after the loss to the ever improving GWS. Especially Buddy Franklin.

Confidential sources to The Bell Tower Times told us that they had overheard Buddy Franklin at a Bondi organic coffee shop telling a mate:
"Fuck oath they are a bunch of lookers that mob ay?Phil Davis was up my ass all night - the only thing penetrating the Swan's forward line was Davis' eyes mate. I don't know what got over me, but at various points in the game I found myself staring longingly at the GWS Guernsey, I liked the style it was pretty mate". 
We were informed that Buddy's mate took him firmly by the hand and assured him that he was the $10 Million dollar man and that they would be "besties" for life.

Hopefully Buddy can resolve his issues this season - as the Eagles are looking scrumptious. Not to mention living sex-machine Pavlich for the Dockers.

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Australian Media's Wild Speculation About Missing Plane a New Low

12 March 2014, 11:30am

Chopper Read famously stated that he never let the truth get in the way of a good yarn. A motto that Australian media companies have clearly taken to heart.

A plane on a flight from KL to Beijing has infamously gone missing and the authorities are at a loss to explain the disaster.

This has not stopped Australian media outlets from speculating wildly about the possible reasons the plane went down. In the past week News.com.au has published articles that focused on wild theories being churned out by other news outlets, included but not limited to: terrorists with fake passports, a Malaysian cover-up and even a bomb. Speculation reached a surreal peak when they ran an article on the most "epic conspiracy theories" surrounding the disaster.

It seems that Australian media outlets will run a story based on any unverified piece of information. Without a single thought being given to the terrified friends and families of the victims who are also relying on the news to keep them "informed".

If you ask us, global warming or over-fishing is to blame for this disaster. Speculate on lads.

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