AFL Rookies Vanish Into James Hird's Laboratory

27 March 2014, 9:30am
Yesterday, The Essendon Football Club held an emergency press conference to announce that James Hird will remain the Essendon head coach and evil scientist in 2015.

The announcement has sparked outrage as the public fail to comprehend why Essendon is so fiercely protective and supportive of a man who allegedly tested unsafe performance enhancing drugs on his players.

Only hours after the announcement, a steady stream of young AFL rookies were seen entering James Hird's infamous secret laboratory in the leafy suburbs of South Yarra. A Bell Tower Times reporter watched the South Yarra property for 8 hours and reported that although 20 rookies went in, only one came out.

We can only speculate, but we believe James Hird is using pharmaceutical drugs bought in Mexico (or some shit) to try and build the Super Jobe - a player that is stronger, faster and has a thicker bottom lip than infamous Essendon experimentee - Jobe Watson.

We believe that biochemist, Steven Dank is approaching wayward and troubled AFL rookies and offering to put the pep back into their step. Those who agree to follow Dank are led to Hirds now infamous evil laboratory and can remain in Hird's diabolic custody for days.

We spoke to a survivor who wished to remain anonymous, he told The Bell Tower Times:

"I had come to a bit of grief in the pre-season. Me coach found out that I was doing cocaine. Long story short, I found myself in Hird's laboratory. I don’t want to talk about what happened. Hird is a protected species and speaking out against him is a career death sentence. What I will say though, is that Hird's urine is fluoro green and he eats raw chicken breasts".

Hird has an entire year to fine tune his experiments before unleashing them on the 2015 AFL season. God help us all.

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