School Excursion to Swanbourne Sand Dunes Proves Misguided

30 October 2013, 2:40pm

A Victorian teacher, Mr Carlton, had recently moved to Perth to commence his employment as a high school biology teacher at one of Perth's leading public schools.

He had earned a solid reputation in Victoria for engaging students and promoting a "hands on" approach to learning. Students were excited when Mr Carlton announced that he would be taking his biology class to Swanbourne Beach to study the Eco-system and as a general reward for the classes good behavior.

Mr Carlton's class arrived at Swanbourne Beach at 8:30am and the class began taking notes on the native plants. Mr Carlton's enthusiasm got the better of him and he announced to his class that they would take a quick peak at the sand dunes adjacent to the Beach.

Mr Carlton and his students were in the sand dunes for approximately 30 seconds before they stumbled across a man in a cowboy hat passionately sodomising another man who was gripping a soccer ball for relief. The men were exerting an incredible amount of energy and were said to have been literally frothing at the mouths.

Students reported that Mr Carlton acted quickly and ushered the children away from the scene. However, Mr Carlton's decision to take the children into the sand dunes was dealt another blow when one of the students spotted a third man in the sand dunes who was perched above the fornicating couple and engaged in violent masturbation while filming the men on his Iphone 5.

Eyewitnesses in the Swanbourne Beach car park saw a group of screaming and crying children come running from the dunes, reportedly looking traumatised and nauseous. One child had even vomited on himself.

Mr Cartlon is reportedly heartbroken that his excursion had descended into the pits of depravity and that he had subjected his students to such a vile scene. We are unsure whether the school will take disciplinary action against the teacher for his lack of judgment.

Just another day in paradise (Swanbourne Beach).

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Landscaper Loses Plot Trying to Swat a Fly Away From Mouth

29 October 2013, 6:30pm

Perth Landscaper, Marvin Smith, lost his composure today while trying to swat a fly away from his mouth.

Smith was constructing a limestone wall at a property in Bedford, when the rogue insect hovered around Smith's head and repeatedly landed on Smith's lip.

Onlookers reported that Smith's swatting became erratic and aggressive and the scene turned ugly when Smith put too much gusto into a swat and smashed his sunglasses from his head. It was at this point that Smith allegedly went troppo.

An eye witness told the Bell Tower Times that Smith's demeanor changed quickly and he began yelling obscenities and taking hay maker swings at the insect. He eventually made contact and was observed grinning maniacally at the remains of the insect smeared across his palm.

The raging storm brewing in Smith's heart  calmed down with the demise of the insect, and the landscaper returned to finish his limestone wall.

We warn members of the public to invest in insect repellent this summer, or you may make a spectacle of yourself too.

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Human Rights Group: Asian Driver Stereotype Unfair

28 October 2013, 4:30pm

Perth human rights group, Colour Blind, have appealed to the Australian public to stop perpetuating the myth that "Asians are bad drivers".

It is believed by some that people of Asian descent have inferior driving ability compared to anglo-saxon drivers. A myth with no evidence to support it.

Spokesman for the group, Angus Po, released the following statement on Colour Blind's Facebook page:
"We appeal to all members of the Australian public to stop saying that Asians are bad drivers. This stereotype is lazy and fails to take into account the sub-standard driving behaviors of a number of other ethnic groups. We want the stereotype to reflect the true status quo. For example, everyone knows that Arabic people don't know what to do in a round-a-bout, and that African people have great difficulty in merging and correctly using an indicator... So instead of cursing 'Asian drivers' we implore people to make reference to 'ethnic drivers' when screaming obscenities from the window of their cars".
The Bell Tower Times took to the street to find out what the average punter thought:

Karla Wong is of Chinese descent, she told us: "OMG about time. The stereotype should just be limited to Filipino drivers though, they are the worst".

Dean Carlo is of Italian descent, he told us: "I fully agree mate, no one ever picks up on how shithouse Greeks are behind the wheel. Always trying to drag race and have those fluffy dice hanging from the mirror".

Edward Yabo is of Sudanese descent, he told us: "we have a saying back in Sudan to describe an idiot, we say, you are steering like a Ugandan! ha!".

Bruce McKinson is of Australian descent, he told us: "I agree with updating the stereotype. My biggest problem is with fairies behind the wheel. If you are gay you are bound to drive gay, and thats not on"

Frankly, Colour Blind's campaign raises more questions than it answers. We admire them for wanting to make a difference, however, we do not feel that Australia is ready for all these additional weird stereotypes. We encourage people to not accuse each other of steering like Ugandans.

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Self Styled Instagram Model Shocked at Chadwick's Rejection

25 October 2013, 9:30am

Lara Swindon, 21, is hot-to-trot. At least thats what slimey photographer, Milan Slobovic told her when she engaged his services for 10 'modelling photos' for the low price of $35.00 inclusive of GST.

Lara was so stoked with the heavily filtered photos, that she instantly uploaded them to her Instagram account. She was elated when her solid following of desperate males 'liked' the shots.

Lara is an avid user of Instagram and regarded by many as a blatant attention seeker. She likes and comments on other girls 'modelling photos' at least 30 times a day in the hope that they will reciprocate the kudos. She also has a reputation as someone who fishes for compliments, her favorite method is to post  flattering photos of herself and include captions such as "LOL, bit of a fatty!" or "OMG I look like an extra on the Walking Dead :P". 

One Instagram user, known as "@RomanticBoy", whose profile photo is a shot of himself at a "European" music festival exposing his abdomen region and sticking his tongue out,  posted the following comment under one of her photos:
"Hubba Hubba ah-roooo. You are so hot babe, this is a gazillion times better than those sluts in magazines xxx".
We contacted Milan Slobovich, a self confessed amateur photographer and full-time bag of shit, he told us:
"I only do this to have a perv. She was alright looking. Not fat or nothing. I told her that she should send a link of her Instagram account to Chadwick Models, cos she would be accepted for sure. I then brushed past her to  grab a USB stick, making sure my dick rubbed up against her arm. It was a good day for Milan". 
Lara followed Milan's advice and sent her 'professional photos' and a link to her Instagram account to the prestigious modelling agency. A mere 20 minutes after emailing the agency she received a response, Lara told us:
"FML. They said they were unable to consider my request at this time. They said I should seek out some modelling work and get back to them after I have built up a solid portfolio. They are obviously wrong. I did totes amazeballs in this years Ms Universe competition, I didn't make it to the second round, but the judges thanked me for MY TIME, that is saying a lot ya know". 
We understand that Lara has applied to Supre with the hopes of appearing on their infamous television ads. You know the ones.

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WA Liquor Reform: Patrons Required to Give DNA Sample and Police Statement

23 October 2013, 7:00am

Have Perth liquor laws finally gone too far? This is the question that is echoing down the halls of human rights institutions throughout Australia

Radical reforms are being argued in Parliament and if passed patrons may be required to give a sample of their DNA (hair, blood or saliva) at the door and sign a waiver that surrenders their right to remain silent in the event of a police investigation. The reforms are being dubbed "Pay to Play Laws".

The reforms have divided public opinion. On the one hand, they may reduce alcohol related violence, on the other hand, they are completely unethical and attack a citizens basic rights.

This is how it will work: if a venue is declared a 'Problem Venue' by the authorities, they will be forced to install  DNA collecting units at all entrances of their venue. Patrons will be required to give a sample of their hair, saliva or blood, that will be kept in a database. Police will have full access to his database in the event a crime has or is suspected to have occurred.

If a patron's DNA is connected to a crime, they will be compelled to provide a statement to police or risk being barred from all licensed venues in Western Australia for up to 5 years. To add insult to injury the police are permitted to retain the patrons DNA throughout the period of their ban in the event of non compliance.

Human rights activist, Robin St Croix, told the BTT:
"These laws are absolutely outrageous. It represents a further attempt for the WA Government to convince the public that liquor related harm is SO bad, that we need to extend the Government and police's power to extraordinary levels. I urge you all to resist the reforms".
Northbridge regular, Deano, told the BTT:
"If they want my DNA they can scrape the crusty ejaculate off my jeans mate. Nanny-state horsefeed mate".
As we reflect on the image of Deano's soiled denim, we cant help to think that that if we put WA's liquor laws through the wash, would they come out clean?

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WA Posties Flex Their Muscles In Anticipation of Outlaw Bikie Anti-Association Laws

21 October 2013, 11:30am

Queensland Premier, Campbell Newman recently enacted the toughest anti-association laws that the nation has ever seen. In Queensland it is now illegal for members of outlaw motorcycle gangs to fraternise together, own tattoo parlours and even be in certain areas.

Premier Newman has sent a message to thugs with one hand on his cock and the other flashing a middle-finger in the air. It remains to be seen whether Western Australia's Premier Colin Barnett will follow suit and enact similar laws.

A vast majority of Western Australians would like to see the State crackdown on outlaw bikies, however WA Posties are unquestionably the most keen to see the anti-association laws gets passed through parliament.

Large groups of WA Posties have been seen riding in unison and proudly flashing their distinctive orange and yellow colours and badges. If anti-association laws are implemented in WA, it is likely that bikies will take their criminal enterprises inter-state, and leave the drug, extortion and illegal firearm trade up for grabs in WA.

We spoke to a a Postie that asked to remain anonymous, he told The Bell Tower Times:
"The Government will never declare Australia Post a criminal organisation  We will therefore be one of the few groups of motorbike riding bad-asses that will be unaffected by the anti-association laws. We have been waiting for this moment for years. The WA Posties control the mail, therefore we control you. You thought the Rebels were bad? Wait till you cop a express-post parcel to the back of your head motherfucker".
It is estimated that billions of dollars worth of contraband enters WA via the postal service every year . The Posties are in a uniquely advantageous position to take over the import and export of contraband given their control over the postal service.

It is rumored that Transit Security Officers are also eyeing off the throne. It is wildly feared that a brutal and bloody turf war may erupt between the Posties and the Train-cops. Both exert influence over vital elements of WA's infrastructure and both are hungry for power.

We suggest saying g'day to your Postie now, before its too late.

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North Freo Man Brings Unwanted Intensity to CrossFit Class

17 October 2013, 6:50am

CrossFit is a fitness craze that is sweeping the nation and your average punter can find a class running every day of the week. The philosophy behind CrossFit is simple, have fun and exercise hard.

Brian Teller, 28, attends a local CrossFit class on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. His personal goal is to tone up for summer and foster a healthier lifestyle. However, eyewitnesses report that his passion for the class is often confronting and uncomfortable for other participants.

CrossFit instructor, Russell, 24, told The Bell Tower Times:
"Fuck me. Brian. His intensity is unreal. Almost every class he will start foaming and drooling from the  mouth while trying to push himself to the max. I remember one time I had to tell the lad to calm down because he was getting drool all over the other participants. He retaliated in a fit of passion and ripped his shirt off and punched a tyre".
Class participant, Sue, 32, told us:
"He paid close attention during the first class ice-breaking session.  He knows all our personal goals and he tries to motivate us in an aggressive and intense way. For example, when i was struggling to finish a set of pull ups he yelled 'thats not gonna get your wedding dress to fit is it love'... I suppose not".
Patrick Cho, 27, told us:
"He can be a bit of a dickhead at times. He keeps referring to his intense sets as 'state level' and refers to our sets as 'high school seconds at best'... I don't even know what he means". 
Whether you can handle Brian's unique brand of intensity and aggression is irrelevant, he embodies everything that CrossFit is about.

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Twiggy's $65 Million UWA Donation Set to Make UWA Students Even More Insufferable

15 October 2013, 6:30pm

Western Australians are being warned to approach UWA students with caution in the wake of the announcement of Twiggy Forrest's $65 Million donation to the States Universities and a large amount going to UWA.

UWA students are already well known for their unearned sense of entitlement and superiority. The root of the problem stems from the University's large contingent of Golden Triangle residents and intake from the States most expensive private schools.

Students from the States other Universities are considered to be at particular risk, and are cautioned to not bring up the topic of PHD's and post graduate degrees at parties and other social events where a UWA pencil-neck might be lurking. It is feared that Twiggy's donation will further fuel the notion that UWA is the State's golden University.

UWA students are commonly found spending their parents money at Western Suburb bars. We ask the public to strongly reconsider their need to travel to these destinations for at least the next 2 months. Failure to adhere to this recommendation may induce strong urges to smack a smug student right in the mouth.

Twiggy's donation is undoubtedly generous. A fact that is strongly noted by the thousands of staff that have been made redundant from FMG over the last 5 years. Redundant employees cant help thinking that some of that $65 Million, would have been used to preserve their job, and not force them to return their Jet-Ski's and state of the art plasma television sets.

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Council Worker Smashes Record: 5 Hours of Angry Birds

10 October 2013, 7:00am

Rory "Go Slow" Dobson, 31, has been a proud employee of one of Perth's biggest Local Government Authorities for over 10 years.

Dobson is a council worker and primarily performs gardening duties. You can occasionally see him mowing the Shire's medium strips and attending to dodgy looking branches.

On Wednesday the 9th of October, Dobson set a record among his peers: he spent a staggering 5 hours of his 7 hour shift playing Angry Birds on his mobile phone. Dobson smashed his workmates previous record of 2 hours.

Coworkers reported that Dobson was particularly committed to job-dodging on Wednesday, and was seen playing on his mobile phone in his Ute, in a series of public toilets and an impressive 1.5 hour stretch while on his extended lunch break at Hungry Jacks.

The Bell Tower Times arranged a meeting with Dobson to hear his thoughts on this ground-breaking achievement, Dobson told us (between playing levels on Angry Birds):
"Well, firstly, id like to thank God... ha ha ha.... yeh but nah... getting paid to play Angry Birds is living the dream mate. Got the work experience kid to do most of the gardening, and just sat back and dedicated myself to smashing Gibbo's record. A lot of motorists were beeping at me, when they saw me laid back against a cherry-picker smashing out Angry Birds... I reckon they were cheering me on. Good shit".
Dobson earns $45.00 per hour and has access to generous job perks such as salary sacrificing and the use of a council car. Over his 10 year career, he estimates that he has only performed about "500 odd days of hard yakka... and the rest were no worries... they don't call me Go Slow for nothing".

We love to see our tax dollars being spent so wisely.

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Doctor Prescribes Himself a Can of Coke and a Cigarette

8 October 2013, 7:00am

On Monday, Dr Khano, 37, worked a 15 hour shift in the Emergency Department at one of Perth's major hospitals.

At the end of his shift, Dr Khano felt physically and mentally drained. Seeing as its now frowned upon for Doctors to dip into the Hospital's medicine cabinet, Dr Khano dealt with his ailment the only way he knew how: slopped out his prescription pad and prescribed himself a well earned dart and can of ice cold Coca Cola.

Dr Khano was seen walking from the hospital to his car nearby, savoring every sip of the black delicious and sucking on his cigarette like it had just paid him $50.00 in a back alley. Onlookers report that Dr Khano was in a state of bliss.

The Bell Tower Times contacted Dr Khano to ask him why he ignored all contemporary medical advice, and relied upon nicotine and sugar to deal with stress, he told us:
"A lot of people are confronted by the idea that a doctor would smoke or drink coke. We are only human, and this human just needed to take the edge off. Back in the old days, a doctor would just bribe a nurse to hook him up to an IV drip full of valium and then the doctor would masterbate himself calm. Those days are over". 
 Not all of Dr Khano's peers agree with his unhealthy stress relief strategy. A doctor who wished to remain anonymous told The Bell Tower Times:
"You will never see me smoke. I simply squeeze into my Lycra, cycle home (aggressively) and then lather myself in relaxing oils while looking at my many certifications and degrees. I get high of my own self-satisfaction. That is the true doctors way"
 Hmm. We don't know about you, but we prefer Dr Khano's strategy.

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Statewide Crackdown on Kebab Industry

3 October 2013, 7:00am

The Australian Competition and Consumer Commission and Department of Health have launched a statewide crackdown on the kebab industry, in an effort to ensure consumers can purchase the Turkish delicacy with confidence.

The ACCC has received a litany of complaints from consumers in connection with the kebab industry. A spokesman for the ACCC provided this statement to The Bell Tower Times:
" your having few drinks with your mates, decide that you fancy a kebab, purchase one, only to be handed a sloppily made, wrap of crap, that seems to catapult grease, sauce and kebab meat onto your nice clean shirt. It's really not that hard to put together a decent kebab. The public can rest assured we will clean up this industry".
Sloppy kebabs are not the only targets of the crackdown. The Department of Health told The Bell Tower Times that they will be targeting the high levels of salmonella found in kebabs, which often result in  pub goer's feeling a bit crook the next day.

It remains to be seen how effective the crackdown, which rolls out on Saturday night, will be. We decided to hit the streets to find out what Perthians hate about kebabs:

Tom Smee, 19, says:
"your all sweet for the first 90% of the thing, but then what the fuck are you meant to do with the last few centimeters? It's fucked... It's like.... it starts out as a nice firm cock but by the end your face deep in a sloppy coochie". 
Kelly Madison, 25, says:
"they never get the sauce right. It's either way too dry, or as soggy as an old boys jocks".
Kristian Samual, 18, says:
"ahhh... what did Tom Smee just say?"
Mary Toddington, 30, says:
"the doner meat scares me. You could literally be eating a cat for all you knew. I think there needs to be more information available in the stores".
Marky Samson, 22, says:
 "I'm pretty sure my taxi driver on Friday was the same bloke serving me a kebab on Saturday".
The Bell Tower Times agrees: what the heck did Tom Smee just say?

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Burglary Victim Beginning to Think Insurance Company Doesn't Want to Compensate Him

2 October 2013, 7:00am

Greg Smithers, 25, was the victim of a car burglary on Friday night. The thieves smashed the driver's side window and made off with an Ipod and a handful of change.

Smithers was unfazed by the break-in, as he had comprehensive insurance with Youi, "they get you", or so their advertisement alleged.

Smithers was expecting his claim to be dealt with quickly  by the company that claims to understand him as a consumer. Smithers told the Bell Tower Times:
"If they really "got me", they would understand that I really didn't like having my shit stolen and waiting a week to get my car window fixed. Everyone knows that about me".
Smither's was horrified when the company bombarded him with questions, inferring that he hadn't left his car in a safe location (his driveway), and that he brought the burglary on himself by leaving an Ipod in the car (inside the glove box). Smithers told the Times:
"I cant believe it. It's almost like my insurance company didn't want to compensate me for my loss? I've never heard of that before. I thought the entire point of insurance was for this very scenario. To be honest, I'm hurt, not angry".
We understand that Youi eventually agreed to compensate Smither's for the cost of his window and a measly $20.00 contribution to his Ipod ($350.00).  Smithers is still trying to come to grips with his shattered perception of the insurance industry, an industry he formally believed was run by angels without wings.

Smithers is planning to approach his bank for a small loan, so that he can replace his beloved Ipod. He told us, "I suppose I was wrong about the insurance crowd, bunch of shitheads, at least I can trust bankers".

ohhhhh... Smithers.

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