Curtin Uni: Tough Guys Cry Into Their Pillows the Hardest

30 April 2014, 7:30am

Curtin University has conducted a land breaking study to smash some  myths surrounding muscle bound tough guys who refuse to show any signs of weakness in public. The results are startling: the tougher the bloke, the harder he cries into his pillow at night. 

According to the study, blokes who show an excessive amount of bravado in their day to day lives are prone to crippling bouts of self loathing and inner turmoil. 

One case study was "Bruce". The researchers found that Bruce would tell his workmates to "toughen the fuck up" about 10 times per day on average. However, when probed, Bruce finally admitted that he spent twenty minutes naked and crying on the shower floor, when the Eagles lost the Grand Final in 2005.

The study goes further to suggest, that outwards signs of masculinity can be used by blokes to avoid showing emotion in public. 

Another case study, found that Rocco, a 25 year old Bikie, was borderline "unbearable" to be around. He would accuse everyone of being a "poof" and once glassed a stranger for ordering a "faggy" gin & tonic at a bar. After intense probing by the researchers, Rocco revealed that he once wrote his mothers name on a packet of sausages and paid a male escort to beat him with the packet until he stopped crying.

Once again, money being spent on research to prove things we already know. 

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#MKR: Chloe & Kelly Had Vision of Winning During Maasai Ceremony in Serengeti

29 April 2014, 8:00am

"Fuck the haters, yo" - a sentiment that is being echoed by all Chloe and Kelly fans of the popular reality TV show MKR.

The shows decision to cast Chloe and Kelly in the season's grand final has angered fans and as usual, those fans took to twitter to express their burning hatred of the two WA girls. However, angry Tweeters have failed to realize that the show's outcome was predetermined many moons ago, not just by the sleazy producers of the show, but in a vision Chloe and Kelly had while attending an exclusive ceremony with the Maasai tribes people in the Serengeti.

Chloe and Kelly hiked for 3 days with the Maasai people through the Serengeti, living off psychedelic roots and feasting on the rarest berries that only flower for non-Contiki tourists. In their words, it wasn't so much a trek, but a "spiritual enlightenment of a seasoned traveler" and "off the beaten track doesn't even begin to describe it". 

During the ceremony, Chloe and Kelly sipped on the Elder's Tea - a powerful concoction of ingredients you have never heard of, and probably never will (go backpack through Europe you peasants). The Elder's Tea granted Chloe and Kelly access to the Maasai spirit world, where they were visited by the butterball Manu and the Botox-bot Evans. They told The Bell Tower Times that in this vision Manu muttered incomprehensibly and Evans told them that they were the "Heroes of the Dish".

Given that the South Aussie mums have probably only ever traveled to help out in their children's school's tuck shops, it is clear that the WA duo will take out the crown.

We shall watch in anticipation.

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Eddie Maguire Powerless to Stop Saying Stupid Shit

28 May 2014, 7:00am

We will never know how this Mr Toad looking boofhead became so famous and successful. He has the easy-going charisma of a corporate chair sniffer and is prone to the most severe case of "foot in mouth" we have ever seen.

In recent times, he has referred to Western Sydney as the land of the felafel, said he wanted to bone Jessica Rowe, suggested Adam Goodes attend the opening of King Kong and last night, he called Chad Cornes a "cunt" on air (he is, but you cant say it Ed).

Ed always has the same excuse also - "of course I never meant to say what I did, how do you expect a grown man to have any control over what shit falls out of his fat mouth?". Until recently, third parties have always been at the root of Ed's stupid comments. However, an industry insider has told us that Ed once embarked on a bizarre rant on the set of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, he was telling a young female intern:
"I am not a pervert, I simply pay hookers to watch me burn my photo albums and then console me after I do it. There is nothing wrong with that. A little burn, a little cuddle, a big spank and I am right as rain mate".
When the producer informed Ed that his confession had been caught on camera, Ed responded with his tried and tested response - "obviously thats no true, it was a slip of the tongue. Innocent mispronunciation".

Sure Ed. We believe you every time.

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Rove To Play Ben Cousins In TV Drama

27 April 2014, 8:00am

Rove McManus has landed the role of his lifetime -  playing Benny Cousins in the upcoming Television drama about the life of the controversial AFL superstar.

The unusual choice for the role is being hailed as "pure genius" and "a sure fire way to melt woman's panties". The combined sex appeal of the Adonis Ben Cousins and the jockey Rove has got the entertainment industry excited.

We spoke to an industry insider who told us about the decision to cast Rove:
"Rove is what we call a triple threat - funny, sexy and charismatic. I think Rove's portrayal of Cousins will go down as the sexiest acting since Hugh Jackman played a homosexual in the movie Australia".
We contacted Rove and asked him about the upcoming movie:
"Let me start by saying WHAT THE! *laughs hysterically*. No, no, I am really excited. At first I was like What The? But now I am like,  What the Hell! *laughs harder*".
We were unable to finish the interview. 

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Tony Abbott Rewriting Bible

24 April 2014, 9:00am

Tony Abbott has announced that he has been tirelessly working to rewrite the Holy Bible to reflect the book's true intents. In his words: "the Bible got a lot of stuff wrong. Some passages are ambiguous and I aim to fix that". 

It seems Abbott is tired of being unable to rely on the Bible to support his policy initiatives and is amending certain Bible verses accordingly. Abbott remained tight lipped about the extent of the amendments he is making to the centuries old book, however he did tell us:
"Marriage will be clearly defined as between a man and a woman. This amendment is important as it will stop poofs trying to gay-marry me in the airport toilets. After all the Bible is the ultimate law in the land".
"Gina and Twiggy will be included as disciples".
"The story that Noah could arrive in a new land by Arc with a load of immigrants is absurd, the new verse will reflect the off-shore processing initiative of the ancient day Government". 
Bill Shorten described Abbott's project as a "ridiculous use of tax-payer money", noting that "we already have a Bible that 20 Million Australians ignore, we don't need another one".

Joe Hockey has thrown his support behind Abbott, stating that, "some people may see Tony as a scary religious kook, and they are entitled to that opinion, but the new Bible will put food on the table for Australian families".

We eagerly await.

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Orange Light Cameras Set to Raise Millions

23 April 2014, 7:00am

When the Barnett Government isn't killing sharks or acting like Troy Buswell, it is devising diabolical schemes to raise revenue.

In an evil stroke of genius, Barnett has decided to re-set approximately 50% of the State's red light cameras to flash if a motorist runs an orange light. Exact details of the timings are unknown.

A spokesperson for the Government told The Bell Tower Times:
"Much to our horror, Perth drivers have finally got it through their bloody thick skulls that gunning it through a red light is dangerous. This has led to a dramatic drop in fine revenue in 2013/2014. Re-setting the cameras to flash if a motorist drives through an orange light is pure genius. We expect to double our revenue by 2015. Motorists beware".
Road safety campaigner, Ridge Donnely, says that the Government has gone too far and the orange light cameras are likely to cause more accidents than prevent them.

The cameras are expected to be re-set this ANZAC long weekend.

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Adventure World Introduces Pool Urine Dye

Artist Visualisation of the Technology

22 April 2014, 7:30am

Perth's largest outdoor amusement park, Adventure World, has become the first amusement park in the southern hemisphere to utilise pool urine dye in its water facilities.

The technology seems simple but is actually quite advanced. Many of the ingredients in a persons urine can be found in other bodily excretions, such as sweat. The dye is therefore a marvel of modern day chemistry and will only turn purple if it comes into contact with a certain electrolyte that can only be found in urine.

Everyone is expected to benefit from the introduction of the dye, as the absence of urine will mean the pools will require far less chlorine to keep clean. Although, not everyone is happy about the introduction of the dye. We spoke to Brian Cho, a 28 year old who was caught by the dye on Saturday:
"I'd drunk about 12 Jack n Cokes, a man simply cannot wait in a line for the toilet after drinking that many Jacks. I ducked into the kids wading pool and drained me lizard. Next think I know, the water around me turned purple and a lifeguard gestured for me to get out of the pool. He told me that I'd been caught in "Operation Wet Dreams" and that I was banned from entering the pools for the day. Bloody un-Australian".
Indeed, urinating in another man's pool is an Australian tradition as dinky-di as a sausage sizzle at a footy game. On the other hand, given the thousands of patrons who flock to Adventure World every weekend, one can only shudder at the amount of urine seeping into various pools.

Anyone caught urinating in an Adventure World pool will have their photo taken and placed on the wall of the lifeguards office. A second offence will earn you a place on the public wall of shame and a third offence will carry a life-ban from the venue. All penalties are accompanied by 24 hour bans on the usage of Adventure World pools.

Urinate safely people.

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O'Callaghan Suspects Son of Lindt Bunny Theft

20 April 2014, 8:30am

Karl O'Callaghan has commenced a house-wide manhunt for his son, who he suspects flogged his Lindt Bunny that he was saving for Easter Sunday.

Russell O'Callaghan has had a checkered history with the law, with crimes ranging from shit facial hair to blowing up a meth-lab in a suburban neighborhood. Despite Russell's criminal past, he believes the accusations that he stole his dad's chocolate is a result of police profiling:
"Sure, blame the deadbeat son. There were at least 20 people over last night. Including that human garbage disposal Troy Buswell. Anyone could've flogged the old boy's chocky. The idea that I would steal food would assume that I am interested in eating. I've been up since Thursday mate, not hungry in the slightest".
Karl has taken a "take no prisoners" approach to the suspected theft. Executing a targeted raid on his son's room at 7:45am this morning.  Unfortunately, the raid proved fruitless. Karl told the BTT:
"I don't know where the little bugger has stashed my bunny. All I found were cigarettes and an impressive collection of light bulbs. I will be making further inquiries and that little shit wont be getting any of the Easter seafood platter until that bunny is back in my possession".
Tensions are running high at the O'Callaghan household. In an attempt to calm the situation down, Karl's wife reportedly ran to the shops and got Karl a Smarties Easter Egg. Karl was later witnessed pulling the egg apart and claiming the individual smarties represented a piece of his broken heart.

Suck it up Karl.

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Misleading: Man Sues Church Over "Good Friday"

18 April 2014, 7:30am

Local nutter, Roy Swang, 29, has taken the remarkable step of initiating an action against the Catholic Church of Australia, claiming its use of the term "Good Friday" is deceptive and misleading.

Roy told The Bell Tower Times:
"Seriously, what is "Good" about this day every year? Bottleshops are closed, fish and chip stores have massive lines and I get death stares from shmucks when I order a bit of ham in my local IGA. This day bloody sucks, and its about time the Catholic Church were held to account. Such a shit day". 
Swang's Writ claims that he has suffered loss as a result of the Church's misleading statements. He claims that the Church has "robbed him of 29 days of his life", "exerted unreasonable influence over the Liquor industry", "is in kahootz with Kailis Brothers" , "has no right to ruin a perfectly good Friday" and "covered up an incident when a Priest touched and confiscated his piece of ham when he was in high school". 

We contact the Catholic Church of Australia to ask them about the claims. A spokesman for the Church told us:
"In terms of legal issues, we have bigger fish to fry, ha ha. We will be defending the claims vigorously like we defend all claims against the Church".
A Court ordered mediation is likely to be ordered and in true fashion, we expect the Church to settle out of Court.

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Malcolm "Megabyte" Turnball: Australia's Wealthy Need the NBN More

17 April 2014, 8:00am

"Lets face facts, people living in poor suburbs should use their Centrelink payments more carefully and farmers should really be tending to their crops or whatever they do" - Malcolm Turnball at a fundraising dinner in January 2014.

To say the Coalition has made a meal of the NBN would be an understatement. Malcolm "Megabyte" Turnball has fronted the media countless times and mumbled off some vague horse-crap about "nodes", "contractor issues" and inexplicably referring to the internet as Netscape Navigator. To be fair, we almost feel sorry for the man - he reminds us of our dads when they used to call up iiNet and ask why the modem wasn't connecting - clueless and lost. 

We could almost forgive Malcolm personally, if it wasn't for his bizarre attitude that affluent Australian suburbs should be given priority in NBN installation, as: "it will be fucking expensive mate, the unwashed masses can't afford it". 

It seems Malcolm is content on losing the hearts and minds of many marginalised groups in Australia. In March, he famously took to Twitter and told a woman living in rural Victoria, that she shouldn't have bought a house in an area that didn't have access to broadband internet. Malcolm may have had a decent point - if his job wasn't to BRING THE INTERNET TO ALL AUSTRALIANS. His comments show a level of defeat and malaise that causes a nation to doubt his competency for the job.

We approached Malcolm at the Boatshed in Cottesloe while he was in Perth for a conference. He told us that "uniting Netscape Navigator with the poor is a tough ask, but he will give it a crack".

Christ almighty Turnball.

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NSW Premier Failed to Meet Dishonesty Standard of Politicians

16 April 2014, 8:30am

A politician that cant get away with lying through their ass is an endangered species in the cut-throat world of state politics.

Barry O'Farrell was accused of accepting a $3000.00 bottle of Penfold's Grange from the AWH and failing to record the gratuity on the Parliaments register. O'Farrell fiercely denied receiving the gift and later come unstuck when the ICAC, the body investigating his corruption, advised O'Farrell that they had in their possession a thank you note - and guess what - it was a thank you note from O'Farrell for the Grange.

O'Farrell's party was extremely disappointed with O'Farrell's conduct, in the words of a senior staffer:
"For fucks sake, lying about the gifts register is politics 101. Barry has demonstrated a complete disregard for the code we all live by - never get caught. We held a meeting with Barry and he tried to worm his way out of trouble and begged us to keep his lucrative job. At the end of the day, we just couldn't have such a bad liar in our midst. NSW has many upcoming infrastructure projects and we need men who can accept "gifts" and not get bloody caught doing it".
In a final undignified act, O'Farrell told the press that he regrets this 'massive lapse of memory'. This is angered his party further - as the other unofficial rule of politics is that once you resign from office and return to being a shit-eating civilian, you may no longer rely on the politicians code of lying. In the words of the staffer, "as he is just some guy now, he has to tell the truth just like the rest of you". 

What a warm insight into politics.

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Twerk for the Dole Scheme Introduced

14 April 2014, 3:00pm

The perfect storm has been brewing for years - a generation of Swag kids who have turned their back on traditional education and opted for a YOLO lifestyle. In reality, the YOLO lifestyle has produced a generation of unemployable kids with C.V's as unimpressive as the state of Troy Buswell's grundies.

The Australian Government has responded with the Twerk for the Dole scheme. Unemployed teenagers can now use their swag to good use and volunteer in Government funded dance classes that are designed to combat childhood obesity.

In return for teaching young school children to dance the unemployed teenagers will be eligible for the Newstart Allowance of approximately $270 per fortnight - which is a small fortune for anyone who spends the majority of their money on Obey caps and imitation jewelry.

The Twerk for the Dole scheme is a double edged sword for the Australian people - on the one hand it demonstrates the Governments commitment to giving young punks a work ethic and at the same time combat childhood obesity. On the other hand, the Australian public needs to concede that the "Twerk" and "Swag" movements have infiltrated our once proud country.

For the time being, Twerking may be the youths only salvation.

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Carlton Footy Club: "Winning Isn't Everything"

14 April 2014, 10:30am

Carlton's loss to the Melbourne Demons on the weekend was seen as a tragedy, worthy of a ancient Greek auditorium. The loss added insult to injury to the club who is yet to record a win in the 2014 Premiership season.

President, Steven Kernahan fronted the media this morning to discuss his clubs horror 2014 season. Kernahan, who can be difficult to understand at the best of times, grunted out some of the most pathetic words ever muttered by a President:

"Everyone should calm down. The lads had fun out there and winning isn't everything. I spoke to Marc Murphy after the game and he told me that he had a great time having a little run around with his mates. The Carlton playing squad are not merely circus monkeys for their fans amusement. Win or loss, the boys got some exercise, got to play on a real AFL oval and most importantly had some fun".
Mick Malthouse wasn't as stoic about the teams loss. He pointed the finger squarely at his overbearing intensity and the fact that the players got a little excited when his daughter Kristy Malthouse, walked into the club room before the game wearing a pleasant floral perfume and tight jeans. In his words, "I've overcooked my coaching days".

Lets hope the Blues can find some form and ensure that the Brisbane Lions stay at the bottom of the ladder, where they belong.

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Facebook Is Dead

Seems like only yesteryear, Facebook was the most innovative way to keep in touch with family and friends. Slowly, the popular social media site has begun its death song. Here is why:

1. Tag a mate who...

This trend had its moments, but gee-wizz, it seems like every Facebook page with a few thousand 'likes' just dedicates themselves to posting "tag a mate" photos. Desperate attempts to increase the traffic through their pages. For reasons unknown.

2. Smug fitness posts

It's OK muscles mcgee, we all know that you are fit and love working out in the gym. Spare us the constant smug posts and gym check-ins. You may hide behind the delusion that you post this stuff to "motivate" us, but in reality, its shameless self promotion and no one cares.

3. Cheesy romantic wankery

Enough already. We think that this is a product of the swag/yolo generation. Drake is also probably to blame.

4. Bone-headed trends

From selfies posing as "awareness" campaigns, to, NekNomination - Facebook has a tendency of bringing out the most baffling trends in social media. To be fair - the bone-headed trends probably breath some life into Facebook - but ultimately degrade the brand.

5. Relentless atheists

Atheists spend more time banging on about religion that religo's. Nothing seems to get bored trolls frothing more, then a good online argument with a christian they've never met in real life. We are glad that you like science so  much, why don't you go and do some rather than argue online?

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Tony Abbott Discovers Source of Homosexuality

12 April 2014, 9:30am

"They thought he was mad... he was highly criticized for his views that homosexuality was a creature of science... but he has snapped the only known photo of the source where all homosexuality spawns from" - Liberal work experience kid, 2014.

Remarkable scenes unfolded yesterday at Parliament house when a highly excited Tony Abbott bounded from office to office showing staffers a photo that he had taken on his Samsung Galaxy phone. The photo is of a waterfall located in rural Australia, however, the photo is unique in that there is a beautiful rainbow mist forming at the base of the fall. 

In the opinion of Tony Abbott - the natural (and perhaps optical) illusion is dogmatic proof that homosexuality has a common source and therefore "spreads" from person to person. Much like a virus. 

Staffers were left shocked when Abbott asked them to refer to him as Tom Hanks from the "Da-Mincey Code", followed by his trademark spine-tingling cackle. One staffer even reported that Abbott spent a staggering 20 minutes sitting at his desk and grinning at the photo that was being projected onto a wall in his office. 

We were unable to get a statement from the Prime Minister however his right hand man told us:
"At this stage Tony is coming to grips with his discovery. We have sent out a crack team of scientists to assess the risk that the Rainbow Waterfall poses to the Australian population. If we experience a spike in homosexuality then there is buckley's chance that Abbott will win another election. We all know that".
We asked the right hand man whether Abbott had any plans to reverse engineer the rainbow and perhaps find a "cure" for homosexuality - the response was "what do you think, mate? Of course he does".

We can all rest easy, we suppose.

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Perth Teens Lead the World in Coffee Smoking

9 April 2014, 11:30am

Coffee smoking has reached pandemic proportions in Perth, Western Australia. With 1 in 3 teenagers admitting to smoking coffee beans in the last 6 months. 

Teenagers have experimented with caffeine since the dawn of time. Whether it be skolling 4 packs of Redbull or bombing pill after pill of NoDoz. It can’t be denied, caffeine is effective.

A recent survey conducted in Perth highschools has revealed that a staggering 30% of teenagers have taken to smoking coffee beans through a glass pipe, bong or in a joint. The practice has health authorities worried - not due to the damage that burnt coffee matter can do to ones lungs - but at how stupid Perth teenagers are getting.

We spoke to a Doctor who treated a young Perth woman for complications relating to the smoking of coffee:
"The Darwin Awards spring to mind. The effects of smoking coffee include a mild buzz, nausea, anxiety and of course, sore and tender lungs from inhaling burnt coffee. The practice is pointless, given that you will receive a much stronger "high" from simply drinking coffee like a normal person. I tell you, kids are getting dumber each generation".
We spoke to a teenage boy from a prestigious private school who is a recreational user of coffee:
"Punching espressies. Fark yeh boi. There is no greater rush. As soon as the thick white smoke hits your lungs, you are in flavour town boiiiiii. I'll never stop. Fuck the law".
We would like to point out that smoking coffee is legal, however there may be legal consequences in regards to owning a glass pipe.

On another note, what a little turd.  We can’t be sure, but we think the blame can be directed at Instagram and selfies. Why? Because we can’t think of any other logical reason for smoking coffee beans.

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Pre-Ejaculate Awareness Campaign Hits Early

7 April 2014, 8:45am

Pre-ejaculate remains the single biggest threat to sexual health in Australia. It can often strike without warning and the mystery substance is able to infect and impregnate at the drop of a hat. 

The Australian Government has launched a pre-emptive strike against the dangers of pre-cum. A recent survey revealed that 8/10 Australians were oblivious to the dangers that pre-cum posed to them. Only 2/10 of the survey participants knew that pre-cum can contain baby-making sperm and only 1/10 participants knew that pre-cum can transmit sexually transmitted infections.

The campaign uses the phrase "You Could Have Pre-Cum Without Even Knowing" - such a true statement. The pre-ejaculate is often released without any sensation and can often go under the radar. If you have ever wondered why the "pull out" method is so ineffective - pre-cum is the answer.

The Federal Government is teaming up with each State Department of Health to spread the awareness of pre-cum to Australians. One add campaign features a man grabbing a squeezy container of mustard and going to put some on his hotdog. Instead of normal mustard being squeezed out, the bottle unleashes that weird watery stuff that any mustard fan will know about. The add is a clever analogy for pre-cum.

Australian radio personality Ryan "Fitzy" Fitzgerald will head the campaign. Fitzy has been deeply touched by the dangers of pre-cum and is keen to raise awareness. He refuses to go into specifics, however what he does say is - "never use another blokes genital protector when your playing cricket" - blimey. Nevertheless, Fitzy is a great ambassador for such an  important awareness campaign.

Social media will also play its part - #SelfiesforPreCum is expected to go viral - with social media users posting selfies of themselves.

Keep yourself safe.

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Scott Ludlam Has a Dream - Gay Sharks

3 April 2014, 11:30am

Green's Senator, Scott Ludlam is a simple man with simple dreams. He envisions a world where our forests are protected, our pollution lowered and of course, a chance to see two gay sharks banging each other.

Nothing gets Ludlam hotter under the collar than the inequality homosexuals suffer at the hands of successive Australian Governments. He gets even more furious about the Barnett Government's shark-cull policy. But my god, if you want to see the man hit the fucking roof - tell him that homosexual sharks are not given the same rights to procreate in a convenient viewing tank, for his own Green pleasure.

The Green's hope to snatch a few more seats in Saturday's re-election in Western Australia. Ludlam has run an aggressive and heart-mangling campaign - a campaign that focuses on just about every emotive social issue one could think of. That is not a criticism - a minor party cant be expected to have comprehensive policies in respect to the economy, international relations or infrastructure. However, some sceptics believe that Ludlam's real focus is on his mincey fishy fetish.

The Bell Tower Times does not judge Ludlam. We support the Greens securing a few extra Senate seats and assisting our Nation to develop more liberal policies, no matter how many times Ludlam cranks the shank in Underwater World.

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