Eddie Maguire Powerless to Stop Saying Stupid Shit

28 May 2014, 7:00am

We will never know how this Mr Toad looking boofhead became so famous and successful. He has the easy-going charisma of a corporate chair sniffer and is prone to the most severe case of "foot in mouth" we have ever seen.

In recent times, he has referred to Western Sydney as the land of the felafel, said he wanted to bone Jessica Rowe, suggested Adam Goodes attend the opening of King Kong and last night, he called Chad Cornes a "cunt" on air (he is, but you cant say it Ed).

Ed always has the same excuse also - "of course I never meant to say what I did, how do you expect a grown man to have any control over what shit falls out of his fat mouth?". Until recently, third parties have always been at the root of Ed's stupid comments. However, an industry insider has told us that Ed once embarked on a bizarre rant on the set of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, he was telling a young female intern:

"I am not a pervert, I simply pay hookers to watch me burn my photo albums and then console me after I do it. There is nothing wrong with that. A little burn, a little cuddle, a big spank and I am right as rain mate".

When the producer informed Ed that his confession had been caught on camera, Ed responded with his tried and tested response - "obviously thats no true, it was a slip of the tongue. Innocent mispronunciation".

Sure Ed. We believe you every time.