RSPCA Outrage at Elephant Seal's Manslaughter Conviction

29 May 2014, 1:00pm

The RSPCA is outraged that Stevie the Elephant Seal (pictured) was convicted of Manslaughter in connection to an incident where the blubbery mammal attacked and unintentionally killed a patron at the Ocean Beach Hotel in 2013.

The animal rights group claim that the State's prisons do not have the necessary enclosure to house the 1/2 tonne animal and that he will be targeted by inmates if he is given special privileges - such as enjoying seafood each day and playing with his beach ball.

A spokesperson for the RSCPA told The Bell Tower Times:
"We understand that Stevie did a bad thing, but we do not feel that large sea based mammals belong in the same environment as hardened criminals. Stevie would be much better suited for the Perth Zoo or alternatively, a period of isolated seclusion in the Antarctic waters, where he migrates each year to breed".
Nevertheless, the Department of Public Prosecutions is determined to make an examples of this renegade Elephant Seal and has indicated that they would be opposing any plea for leniency.

In another fierce blow for Stevie, Ocean World in Queensland declined his job application to be the main attraction this summer, stating that they couldn't risk the 500kg behemoth attacking their trainers or hotdog stands.

Looks like Stevie went barking up the wrong tree. Owf! Owf!

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Balinese Running Amok in Australia

Northbridge, Chapel St, Kings Cross and Darwin CBD have become hotbeds of drunken Balinese bogans causing mayhem and destruction. 

The loutish, tattooed Balinese flock to Australia in droves as the mining boom has flooded their tiny island with FIFO wealth. The average Australian spends a staggering $2,500.00 in Bali during the course of their 1-2 week vacation. When you consider the number of Aussies who holiday on the island, it is no surprise that the Bali economy is booming.

Balinese party-animals can be seen vomiting on the street in popular party districts such as Northbridge, Perth or Chapel Street in Melbourne. One Western Australian police officer told The Bell Tower Times:
"They (Balinese) storm into our nightspots wearing singlets and board shorts. They rudely attempt to barter with bartenders and when they don't get their way, they break neon signs and the like. The Balinese have studied the Aussie bogan, and they have learnt how to utilise obnoxiousness to get their way".
The problem is so bad, that many scooter companies have refused to rent out their scooters to the Balinese, noting that they are sick of "these drunken hooligans treating our streets like a game of Mario Kart". 

It is feared that in time, the Balinese will adopt Australia Day as their unofficial drinking Olympics, and give the flag-waving Aussies a run for their money.

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Man Kills Penis By Injecting Erection Nasal Spray

Karl Reid, 25, was admitted to Royal Perth Hospital on Sunday night, complaining of an erection that he had endured for a staggering two weeks. 

Reid advised the Emergency Department staff that the erection had stemmed from Reid injecting the fluid contained in a popular nasal impotence spray, directly into his blue vain, in an attempt to cure his nagging impotence.

A doctor on duty told The Bell Tower Times:
"At first we were perplexed at why someone would inject the fluid rather than inhale it nasally, as it was intended for. He told us that he suffered from severe impotence but was also a chronic masturbater. The unique combination of disorders meant that he was sniffing the spray up to 10 times per day and literally burning his nose off. He made the decision to inject the fluid instead".
Unfortunately for Reid, his penis was declared legally dead on arrival. Instead of amputating the lifeless appendage, his doctor proposed a radical surgery - to install a pump in his scrotum, that would allow the keen masterbater to "pump up" his erection when he was getting intimate with a partner. Sadly, Reid will never have feeling in his penis again, however the ability to pump up an erection will at least allow him to participate in sex.

Reid is now known as "Reebok Balls" by his friends, who also note that he is "the dumbest motherfucker on the planet".

Reid declined to comment.

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Office Snitch Exposed As A Catfish

19 May 2014, 7:00am

Dwayne Conelley, 32, has a fierce reputation as the Office snitch at the IT firm he works for.

In 2013, Dwayne successfully informed on 12 employees for indiscretions ranging from drinking at lunchtime to stealing printing paper for personal use.

In early 2014, Dwayne changed the way he snitched. He was no longer satisfied with  being at the "right place at the right time", he decided to become a snitch detective and go out of his way to "bust" his work mates.

Dwayne entered the dangerous world of Catfishing. He set up a fake Facebook, Instagram and Twitter profile using the photo of an attractive young lady. He found that it wasn't difficult to get a bunch of lonely IT nerds to accept his friend requests.

Dwayne wasn't shy to say the least, he told The Bell Tower Times:
" I would lead the conversations towards sex and vice. I struck gold on my first day of Catfishing. The intern told me that he often masturbated in the office toilet after he spoke to an attractive female client of the firm. Needless to say, I informed on him the following day. He was taken off that file and I volunteered to replace him".
 We put it to Dwayne that his catfishing could be considered horrible, he responded:
"some men get ahead on merit and others by Catfishing. I was able to facilitate a confession from Max, regarding the pilfering of a bottle of Jack Daniels at the office Christmas party. I informed on that prick too. I didn't really get anything from that, but fuck them for excluding me from the drinking of it".
 It seems that Catfishing is now the most powerful tool in a snitches arsenal. 

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Local Drug Dealer "Stoked" At 2014 Budget

14 May 2014, 7:00am

Tony Abbott and his band of sadists delivered a painful budget this week that will hit the coin purse of a majority of Australians. Needless to say, the public were quick to register their discontent on social media.

However, local drug dealer and minor thug Julian aka "8-Ball", was able to see the upside in the 2014 Budget. We asked 8-Ball about the hike in GP costs:
"Awwww shit chyeh bro. I was hella stoked when that shrek-looking mafucker announced that there would be a hike in GP cost. If GPs are more expensive, peeps are gonna wanna self medicate and I've got that kuta shit, ya hear?
We then asked 8-Ball about the effect on making the dole less available:  
Oh, a 6 month wait to get the dole is perfect. I'll surely recruit some unemployed under 30's to smuggle my shit into prisons and rehab facilities. Hide it right in their clackers. Them boys will crave that extra cash. Fan-fucking-tastic budget if you ask me".
 Will the 2014 Budget help you any further 8-Ball?!
"Chyeh. Single mothers have it harder than ever now, with the family tax benefit being cut. So, I'm sure I can convince a few more MILFs to pleasure me for money. Know what I'm saying?"
Well, there you have it Australia - the 2014 Budget is tailor made for dropkick, immoral dirt-bags like 8-Ball. Well done Tony and Shrek.

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Rockingham Couple Replace Wedding Rings for Holden Jackets

13 May 2014, 7:00am

Karl Andrews and Leteesha Faulkner held their marriage ceremony last Sunday on the tarmac of the Kwinana Motorplex.

The wedding was unconventional to say the least. Leteesha's father walked the bride down the isle while puffing on a Winnie blue and giving his daughter a slap on the ass.

Karl also sought to break boundaries by sipping on a can of Jim Beam at the alter. Each of his groomsmen where dressed in Holden Racing Team polo shirts and had matching cans of Beam.

The weddings most surreal moment came when the bloke marrying them (Karl's shift manager on Mondee's) invited the couple to exchange their wedding rings. A guest at the wedding told The Bell Tower Times that Karl interupted and barked:
"No. NO. We ain't some suit wearing poofters mate, no rings for us, as a sign of our love, me and me lovely missus have decided to exchange Holden Racing Team jackets and let me tell you son, I didn't take me last one off for 290 consecutive weeks, so this one will be on for life".
 After the jackets were exchanged, some guy called Baz, fired up his Monaro and dropped the mother of all burnouts, at one point losing control and almost colliding with the bridal party. 

By all accounts the wedding was a success and the party kicked on the at the Swinging Pig in Rockingham, where Karl and Leteesha consummated their love on the pool table in front of their adoring friends. 

What a touching day.

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Perth Loses Mind Over the Great Perth Storm

8 May 2014, 9:00am

Perth was the victim of an absolutely mauling last night - 45mm of rain, thunder and strong winds. Thankfully, Perth survived another round with the "Great Perth Storm".

As per usual, Perthians took to social media to post photos of the storms destructive wake. A few roofs were blown off buildings and the State's pot plants copped an absolute battering. Drivers took the petal off the metal and at 9:00pm the Mitchell Freeway was flowing at a blistering 25kph. Needless to say, the Great Perth Storm of 7 May 2014 was a real talking point in break rooms across the state today.  

Nothing whips Perth into a frenzy like enduring a relatively mild storm. Office managers across the state were diligent to send their staffers an email yesterday afternoon, advising them to drive with caution and be careful of the storm. We are yet to have a member of the public credit such an email to their survival, but surely lives were saved.

Shit-talkers and One-upsman were on fire this morning, with an estimated 10,000 bullshit storm stories being spun by 9:00am in workplaces and chatrooms across the State.

Stay safe Perth, you never know when another mild storm may strike.

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Buswell Apologises to Parliament with Heart-Warming Finger Painting

6 May 2014, 10:45am

Colin Barnett has welcomed back Troy Buswell with open arms today in Parliament after Buswell presented a finger-painting that he had created during his hiatus.

Buswell is facing criminal charges in connection to his drunk driving rampage that left a trail of destruction on Roberts Road in Subiaco after a night of heavy drinking at a wedding in Kings Park. Despite the serious nature of his charges, Barnett decided to let bygones be bygones after receiving the heart-warming fingering painting.

A confidential source close to the Premier told The Bell Tower Times:
"Buswell isn't some civilian shit muncher. He is good friends with all the power-brokers in Western Australia. Colin was faced with the hardest task a politician could do - face sacking a mate and see that mate lose all his Government perks and golden handshakes. Needless to say, Colin was simply not capable of delivering that blow. Plus the drawing was quite endearing". 
The public are understandably furious at Buswell's return to Parliament. Some have described Buswell as a "one man bucks party" and feel that binge drinking, chair sniffing, bra snapping, dry-humping and re-enacting GTA on Roberts Road are not activities befitting a politician. Hard to disagree.

We understand that Buswell is working on an apology scrapbook containing drawings, poems and interesting newspaper clippings, to present to the Magistrates at his sentencing.

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MasterChef Fist Fight: Preston Clogs Toilet (again)

5 May 2014, 6:00pm

The nation has been rocked by two high profile fist fights today - one between James Packer and some bozo, the other, between Matt Preston and George Calombaris.

Just hours before tonight's much anticipated episode, Calombaris allegedly came barreling into the green room and throw a massive right hook at the behemoth-esque Preston. Onlookers reported Calombaris screaming about the star's toilet being blocked and "overflowing with Preston grade shit". 

Preston allegedly flung into a rage and called Calombaris a "pudgy-eyed turtle-whacker" before unleashing a bevy of ham-fisted death swings at the perverted little Greek man.

Insiders tell The Bell Tower Times that Preston is infamous for clogging up toilets and Calombaris is most aggrieved because he likes to write his recipes while enjoying the ambiance of the men's toilet. A fist fight was bound to happen.

News Corp tried to offer The Bell Tower Times $200,000.00 for exclusive rights to this story, we told them to go and steal some shit off BuzzFeed.


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Western Derby: "The Dockers Grand Final"

4 May 2014, 7:30am

It is the morning of the Western Derby. Ross Lyon is polishing the little trophies he bought for his players in anticipation for their most significant victory of the year.

Lyon told The Bell Tower Times:
"Winning the Derby is our top priority. Over the years we have accepted that we are unlikely to win a premiership cup, so the fans and the players consider the Derby our unofficial grand final".
One unemployed Fremantle fan passed up a trial shift at Hungry Jacks to attend todays Derby:
"Strewth. Me and the kids will be eating canned and frozen food for the next fortnight. These tickets cost me a bomb".
 Star midfielder Nat Fyfe told The Bell Tower Times:
"It'd be great for the young blokes at the footy club to get one of Ross' Derby Victory Trophies. The post Derby ceremony usually goes down at Sizzler, it's a lot of fun. On a side note, you should see Sandilands at the salad bar, christ almighty".
The Dockers are heavy favourites to win today's Derby at 1.50 odds. West Coast will need to dig deep if they are going to dash the Docker's dream of another Docker's Derby Grand Final.

All of this begs the question: how many Ross Lyon Derby Trophies does it take to equal 1 premiership cup? Rhetorical question.  

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