Statewide Crackdown on Kebab Industry

3 October 2013, 7:00am

The Australian Competition and Consumer Commission and Department of Health have launched a statewide crackdown on the kebab industry, in an effort to ensure consumers can purchase the Turkish delicacy with confidence.

The ACCC has received a litany of complaints from consumers in connection with the kebab industry. A spokesman for the ACCC provided this statement to The Bell Tower Times:
" your having few drinks with your mates, decide that you fancy a kebab, purchase one, only to be handed a sloppily made, wrap of crap, that seems to catapult grease, sauce and kebab meat onto your nice clean shirt. It's really not that hard to put together a decent kebab. The public can rest assured we will clean up this industry".
Sloppy kebabs are not the only targets of the crackdown. The Department of Health told The Bell Tower Times that they will be targeting the high levels of salmonella found in kebabs, which often result in  pub goer's feeling a bit crook the next day.

It remains to be seen how effective the crackdown, which rolls out on Saturday night, will be. We decided to hit the streets to find out what Perthians hate about kebabs:

Tom Smee, 19, says:
"your all sweet for the first 90% of the thing, but then what the fuck are you meant to do with the last few centimeters? It's fucked... It's like.... it starts out as a nice firm cock but by the end your face deep in a sloppy coochie". 
Kelly Madison, 25, says:
"they never get the sauce right. It's either way too dry, or as soggy as an old boys jocks".
Kristian Samual, 18, says:
"ahhh... what did Tom Smee just say?"
Mary Toddington, 30, says:
"the doner meat scares me. You could literally be eating a cat for all you knew. I think there needs to be more information available in the stores".
Marky Samson, 22, says:
 "I'm pretty sure my taxi driver on Friday was the same bloke serving me a kebab on Saturday".
The Bell Tower Times agrees: what the heck did Tom Smee just say?

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