The Bell Tower Times

WA Government Launches Campaign Against the "Scoundrel's Kick"

31 January 2014, 8:30am

Move over "Cowards Punch" there is a new sheriff in town - the devastating and potentially lethal "Scoundrels Kick" - the low gutless act of kicking a man in his lollybags.

The Scoundrel's Kick has rose to infamy over he last couple of years after a spate of high profile attacks in Northbridge, Fremantle and Subiaco. Angry, steroid-using, knuckle-dragging turbos have been delivering unprovoked and vicious kicks to innocent men's dick 'n' balls.

The true devastation of the Scoundrel's Kick was felt when WA was shocked by the news that Brian Tran, 28, required emergency surgery on his nuts after being Scoundrel Kicked at the Stereosonic Festival in 2012. The offender was infamously given a suspended sentence while Brian continues to live with a weak ball sack.

With the help of spokesman, Clive Waterhouse (a famously ball-less footy player) the WA Government will launch add campaigns to remind the public that kicking someone in the nuts without any justification is a "bad thing". The motto of the campaign is "A Low Blow Will Get 'You 'Fo (4)" - believed to appeal to youth for using African American Hip Hop slang - meaning you will get a mandatory 4 year term of imprisonment for a Scoundrel Kick.

We contacted Brian Tran to ask him what he thought about the campaign:

"I think its a worse reflection on the Government hey. Sure, people are getting Coward Punched and Scoundrel Kicked on the occasion, but what about diverting that money into stopping burglaries, robberies and domestic violence - you know - the shit that effects almost everyone everyday? Seems like smoke and mirrors to me - get the people to worry about a kick to the nuts to take the focus away from the fact that the police didn't even rock up to take fingerprints when your car got broken into".

Hmm, good point Brian. In contrast, this statement was released from the spokesman of the Premier's Office:

"Alcohol-fueled Scoundrel Kicks are the biggest problem our State faces. We make no apologies for taking a tough stance and spending tax payer money to convince people that unprovoked ball kicking is bad and they shouldn't do it'.

Blimey, we will be wearing a cricket-style balls protector from now on.

28 January 2014, 8:30am

Colin Barnett's War on Sharks has seemingly awoken an ancient beast off the coast of Yallingup, a popular surfing town on the coast of Western Australia.

Department of Fisheries contractors were checking baited drum lines on Monday morning, when they noticed that the ensnared Great White Sharks had been bitten in half. At first, the fisherman were bamboozled - what type of creature could bite a 1 tonne Great White in half?

The fisherman contacted the lifeguard and after a conversation they all agreed that the culprit was most likely a giant squid - also known to make light work of wales in the deep. They couldn't have been more wrong - at approximately 8:00am on Monday morning the shark cull fisherman were confronted by what they described as a "fucking dragon" that "jetted out of the water towards the sky like a NASA Rocket".

Fortunately for the terrified fisherman the mighty dragon had exhausted itself battling Great White's and was unable to breath any bursts of fire - presumably, the dragon had saturated its fire breathing chamber from spending so much time in the ocean. The exhausted dragon was no match for the fisherman's harpoon that nailed the beast right between the eyes.

Yallingup locals were shocked to see the dragon's mighty skull wash up on the shore this morning. It was obvious that the local sea life had picked the bones dry. The remainder of the carcass has not been discovered - however it is believed that Chinese fisherman may have purchased the bones to be used in conjunction with shark fins to create a powerful aphrodisiac in Chinese medicine.

Green Peace Australia and The Sea Shepard are up in arms, releasing this joint statement:

"We warned you Barnett! Culling sharks was always going to lead to the rise of the dragons. Great Whites are the enforcers of the ocean - baiting and culling them will disturb the ancient balance struck between the mighty sea beasts. If you continue to wage your war on the sharks then you will need to enlist the services of the Eco-Warrior Paul Watson - only Paul, who is rumored to have half dolphin blood, has the power to defeat a dragon".

Colin Barnett has remained tight lipped about he impending war against the dragons. He did however say, "the WA Government can get rid of any menace, no creature (human or beast) has ever been able to tolerate Troy Buswell's sexual harassment for more than a couple of weeks". We can infer from Colin's comments that Buswell will harness the power of misogyny to battle the fire-breathing foe.

God help us all.

27 January 2014, 7:00pm

A ghastly scene unfolded at an Australia Day house party on the weekend, when a man suffered an allergic reaction after consuming a semen covered biscuit after losing a game of soggy biscuit.

Soggy biscuit is a repulsive party game where a group of man masturbate onto a biscuit and the last man to "finish" must eat the biscuit.

The man who consumed the biscuit is believed to be associated with the Aesthetics Crew - a Sydney based bodybuilding group that are well known for their love of the seedy game.

A reveler at the party told The Bell Tower Times:

"I've seen these boys play soggy biscuit at least a dozen times. They love taking off their shirts, comparing their muscles and slurping down each others gravy when they lose. Basically, the bloke seemingly lost on purpose and after he consumed the SAO biscuit he started gagging and begging people for water. His mates just whipped out heir cocks and made jocks about their cocks being water fountains. Anyway, thats what Aesthetics Crew is all about. The bloke then passed out and we ordered an ambulance for him".

The victim of the game wished to remain anonymous, however he told us:

"I just wanted Chestbrah to give me props. Everyone knows the best way to get in with the Aesthetics Crew is to prove that you can man up and play soggy biscuit. I've lost before, but this time about 10 blokes were playing, the doctors told me that I'd consumed far too much semen and my body had a bad allergic reaction. Im really devo - Chestbrah will think I'm weak for needing to go to hospital. He is famous for taking a 20 man biscuit once - legendary".

Jesus.

24 January 2014, 7:30am

In a desperate effort to claw back the trust of the Australian Government and the general public, SERCO has hired celebrity magician and escape artist, Chris Angel, to help train their staff to help prevent future escapes.

SERCO have proven themselves as secure as an old boys sphincter muscle after a cup of coffee in previous months. SERCO has made headlines after been embroiled in two high profile cases of dangerous criminals escaping custody in predictable and preventable circumstances.

As a result of SERCO's bumbling efforts, the Australian public are demanding answers and live in fear of dangerous criminals escaping from custody and continuing to commit vile offences such as rape, murder and driving over the speed limit.

Chris Angel will present a series of half day training courses to SERCO staff that will allegedly cover how an inmate may:

1. escape their shackles while being slowly lowered into a tank of Cobras.
2. survive a tazer blast to the chest while simultaneously levitating.
3. bamboozle a guard by correctly identifying which playing card they chose from a pack.
4. reach through a sold glass window and open a locked security door.
5. replace the officers weapons in front of their eyes with comical objects such as dildos and fruit.
6. utilise smoke bombs and dramatic music.

SERCO is confident that Chris Angel's seminars will greatly assist their staff in preventing escapes. The Bell Tower Times contacted SERCO and queried whether it would be simpler to just tell their staff to not leave dangerous inmates unguarded and/or use appropriate secured vehicles, they replied:

"Those were isolated incidents. We are really more concerned with an inmate bending the prison bars with the power of his mind and then escaping into the night. SERCO will remain vigilant against any mind freakery that inmates are utilising to escape custody. There is no need to upgrade security equipment of train our staff better, if we can prevent mind freak techniques".

Chris Angel is rumoured to be conducting the seminars pro bono as he is deeply concerned with the startling correlation between violent offenders and advanced magician techniques.

You have our full trust SERCO.

Screenshot of the Original Silk Road

21 January 2014, 9:00am

In an age of progressive drug policy, Australia stands as a stark example of a Government failing to 'get with the program' and continues to introduce archaic, farcical and desperate policies.

For example, in 2009 one of Colin Barnett's first policy initiatives was to re-criminalize the possession of small amounts of cannabis. For the sake of comparison, Portugal decriminalized the possession of all drugs and treated addiction as a social health issue rather than a criminal law issue. The results have been staggering.

It comes as no surprise to Australian drug dealers that the Government would attempt to snare them in the booming world of online black-markets such as Silk Road. On 20 January 2014, a new website popped up on the TOR browser (required to access the online black-markets) with the suspicious URL: www.silkyroad.wa.gov.au. Needless to say, Australian druggies are a little suspicious.

The key features of www.silkyroad.wa.gov.au that draw suspicions from the drug community are:

1. It uses the WA Government's registered domain (wa.gov.au).
2. The site requires users to provide photo ID to purchase products.
3. Daggy and outdated terms for drugs are used: (i.e. grass, horse, shroomies, etc).
4. There is a new "select which post office" you would like your drugs to come through.
5. BitCoins are not acccepted as payment - one must use their credit card.

It is unknown whether anyone has attempted to purchase drugs from www.silkyroad.wa.gov.au.

We spoke to a Mount Lawley drug dealer and user of the Original Silk Road website:

"hmmm, using the WA Government domain is a real curve ball. You gotta think - is anyone in the WA Government that incompetent and stupid? Or is it a brilliant ploy by drug dealers - hiding in plain site?"

We spoke to a drug user from Belmont who told us:

"I completely trust this site. I am speaking freely and have no way been coerced to promote this site. Please use it, and provide all you details as requested. Thankyou".

Well, thats good enough for us.

The King of Perth

1. Wet Weather Soft-Cockery

There is no shame is taking a few extra precautions in the wet weather. However, there is plenty of shame in dropping 20km per hour at the first sign of a little drizzle. Make sure you have appropriate tread on your tyres and have some faith in your driving ability.

2. 4WD Madness

Perth is truly the home of 4WD's. Unfortunately, we are also the home of 4WD owners who have never seen the bush and certainly wouldn't risk the lovely paint job on their Prado and go off-road. If you own a 4WD learn to maneuver it with as little inconvenience to the public as possible.

3. Round-a-what?

There are roughly 2 million West Aussies - that means there are about 2 million different interpretation of correct round-a-bout indication and general etiquette. We wont list all the rules here, however, as a general rule of thumb - indicate the direction you are going and NEVER pull out in front of another vehicle.

4. Prejudice and Stereotypes

Who are the worst drivers? Asians? Woman? P-Platers? Old People? - do you see the pattern? We have formed a culture of hating nearly every other person on the road. Everyone needs to take a chill pill and relax while they are driving. We are all guilty of shitty driving from time to time.

5. Smart Phones

Back in the day, many drivers were guilty of reading a text message or answering a phone call. But, sweet Jesus the game done changed! Smart phones arm air-heads with a myriad of other distractions - social media, internet, GPS, snapchatting your private parts etc. Phones down and eyes on the prize people.

6. Police Bullying

For the most part, Perth drivers do their best to drive safely - we do not deserve the absurd levels of harassment and bullying we receive from the WA Police Force. A cop car following you up Forrest Highway for 100km, speed cameras on safe stretches of road and most frustrating of all - aggressive public service announcements about how the cops are "gonna get us". Seriously, you are stressing us out cops!

7. Show Boating

Hooning, honking, revving and burnouts - obnoxious driving practices that are designed to draw attention to the driver and also give that driver a bit of a thrill. Reckless driving can be dangerous, but most of all, it ruins others peoples moods while on the road. Drive calm and observe others being calm in turn.

20 January 2013, 9:00am

Josh Hampton, 35, recently moved to Perth from Sydney on the hunt for a lucrative career in mining & gas.

Hampton decided to set up a Linkedin account to help him get noticed and land a job. Linkedin is a professional networking too - similar to Facebook, however members finely hone their images to appear more employable then they may be.

It seems that Hampton lives by his own rules and instead of using a professional head shot as his profile photo, he decided to put up a photo of himself enjoying the shit out of a cigarette. To most people, using a profile photo that shows you smoking is madness, not for Hampton though, he told us:

"Linkedin has an important visual aspect to it. I can guarantee that the photo of me sucking down a Winnie Blue will grab the attention of employers and they will probably click on my profile. I think the durry also demonstrates that I am a bit of a maverick and am wiling to take risks to benefit myself and my employer".

A maverick is right. We spoke to a Helen McDonald, a leading recruitment consultant in Perth, she had this to say:

"wow, would you have a look at that photo. It is additionally atrocious as he seems to be holding the cigarette like a marijuana joint and has a blank look of bliss in his beady eyes. It has to be one of the worst profile photos I have ever seen on Linkedin. Josh has totally missed the mark".

We initially sided with Helen McDonald on this one - that was before we got a call from Hampton who told us:

"Gina Rinehart personally called me. She told me that she herself had a reckless disregard for her health and image and generally ate half a bucket of KFC per day. She then offered me a job. Say hello to Gina's personal 'food-getter'. Did things turned out the way I planned? Probably not, but $100,000.00 a year to feed the Rinehart - WINNING".

If you are struggling to break into your chosen industry, perhaps post a photo of yourself smoking on Linkedin.

19 January 2014, 11:30am

Nothing screams 'pin dick' more than a dirty bogan revving his V8 Commodore at the lights and doing his best to look generally 'bad ass'.

Holden may have betrayed Australia by moving manufacturing off our hallowed land, however, they have not lost touch with what Australian V8 drivers need - 8000rpm's of pure overcompensation. Accordingly, Holden has announced the release of the Holden Penis Pump - a device that will help increase the length and girth of the driver's dick which each obnoxious rev of his engine.

Dubbed, the 'Cockodore', the device is expected to fly of the shelves and potentially earn Holden more money than their shameful Astra model. A Holden spokesperson released the following statement:

"Bad boys, fast cars but unfortunately, tiny dicks. Holden has dedicated itself to solving this problem - we therefore created a penis enlarging device that responds to the ferocity of the driver's revving. The device is brilliant because it will come full cycle - once the driver has revved his penis to an acceptable size, he will no longer be prone to driving his car in an obnoxious manner - he can then pass on the pump to his son".

We attended a local Perth Commodore Club car cruise on Thursday night to speak to V8 drivers about the penis pump. An SS driver told us:

"Great idea. Me missus always told me that if I could throttle her like I throttled me car, she would be a happy lady. Looks like i'l finally have the hardware off the road to sort business out".

A Club Sport driver told us:

"Oi. There is nothing wrong with me tackle. Saying that, whats the recomended retail price on one? I'm asking for a mate".

Revheads around the country can now rejoice - all the power of a V8 without the need to overcompensate.

18 January 2014, 9:30am

People only need to know two things about Simon Gerry - firstly, he is a manager at an inner city accounting firm and secondly, he is obsessed with a young Asian female that works along side him.

Gerry constantly struggles to keep his simmering sleaziness towards Lee Tan from boiling over and has a shameful history of behavior that borders on sexual harassment.

On one occasion, Gerry refused to accept that Tan didn't want to consume alcohol at a work function. Despite her protests, Gerry brought her a triple shot rum and coke and was observed begging her to drink it. Another notable example is when Gerry sent Tan a picture of a large breasted Asian woman with the caption, "Hungry for Chinese?".

Gerry's conduct hit an all time low last night, when a colleague caught him passed out in Tan's office, with his pants around his ankles, on his knees, with his penis in his hand and his face on Tan's chair. Gerry had clearly passed out while sniffing Tan's chair while masturbating furiously. There was also signs of blood on the carpet which suggests that Gerry was not being gentle with himself.

We contacted Tan to ask her about her feeling towards the incident:

"Ew, ew, ew, ew. He is such a dirty creep. I always suspected that he sniffed my chair, as I occasionally find little hairs on my seat that could only have come from a mans head. It is so sickening. OMG, i just remembered that he bought my old bike off me. Now I totally know why.... he is going to have an all you can sniff buffet and toss himself senseless in he process".

We tried to contact Gerry to ask him why he was masturbating while sniffing Tan's chair, however he refused to speak to us. Not to be deterred we decided to speak to his wife, she told us:

"Simon obviously has a crush on this little Asian girl. I remember we went to her engagement party and Simon just sat in a corner staring at her. I'm not surprised that he was caught wanking while sniffing her chair. He once bought me a kimono for Christmas and begged me to give him a massage while speaking in an Asian accent - I did it - and he spent the entire massage grinding his dick against the bed. Anyone know a good divorce lawyer?".

You are a filthy man Simon.

O'Callaghan's Lollybags on display

17 January 2014, 9:30am

WA Police raised an incredible amount of revenue in 2013 - with conservative estimates in the hundreds of millions of dollars. The majority of the revenue was raised through traffic infringements and property confiscated under the proceeds of crime legislation.

The top brass therefore decided to reward their hardworking force by digging into the seized property storage locker and giving out large bags of cannabis and crude firearms (pictured). the gifts have been dubbed "O'Callaghan Lollybags".

Police we given bonuses that reflected their individual achievements. For example Trust Fund, the top earner, was awarded a staggering 3 ounces of cannabis and a sawn-off shotgun that was seized from a member of an outlaw motorcycle gang. On the flip side, low achieving police were awarded 1 gram bags of O'Callaghan's sons home-baked meth - wildly regarded as powerful yet unstable.

The Bell Tower Times spoke to a young officer who asked to remain anonymous, he told us:

"I reached about 80% of my annual quota for traffic infringements. I was awarded a taser and a box of seized oxycotin. I was really thankful, people think that we destroy all the seized drugs - partly true - me and a couple of hookers destroyed the oxy's in a Crown Casino hotel room ha ha ha. WOOOOO".

Another anonymous officer told us:

" I think the lollybags were pretty unethical. Didn't stop me accepting an ecstasy manufacturing press. It's all a bit of fun and a way to pat us on the back for doing such good traffic cop work".

The bonus scheme reminds us of the unofficial police motto: "Cops who get high with each other are willing to die for each other".

The lollybags have caused anger in the house of parliament. It is alleged that top politicians were only awarded with cheap prostitutes and a signed photo of their patron saint - Craig Thompson .

15 January 2014, 8:00am

Bernard Tomic sensationally forfeited after losing the first set to Rafael Nadal in last nights session of the Australian Open.

Tomic complained of a groin injury and was met with a chorus of boo's from the crowd when he walked off the court after the first set.

The majority of tennis fans reacted negatively to Tomic's seemingly gutless effort and the overriding consensus is that he is a quitter - basically, he should have done a "Lleyton Hewitt" and battled through injury to show his true grit. For example, AFL star, "Tex" Walker tweeted: "Tomic is the most gutless bloke... UnAustralian!! Soft as butter".

Selectors for Australian soccer team, Perth Glory, were however sent into a frenzy after watching Tomic's pissweak, prima donna and heartless performance. A source close to he Perth Glory selectors told The Bell Tower Times:

"Tomic is athletic, European and most importantly, a prissy little piss-worm that would fit into Perth Glory like a glove. The selectors have no doubt that he would overact and dive more than an Olympic swimmer. He is just perfect for the Glory".

We asked our source if there was anything else going for him:

"oh, the overbearing father is a plus. Perth Glory knows that the father would help the team pressure Tomic into acting the way they need him too - as I said, a piss-worm".

It is unknown whether Perth Glory has approached Tomic or whether the young tennis brat would be interested in joining the underwhelming team.

One sports embarrassment is another sports wet dream.

14 January 2014, 8:30am

Leave it up to classic WA ingenuity - WA Outlaw Motorcycle Gangs have devised a genius way to avoid the heat of the ever watching Police - they are conducting their illegal activities in other jurisdictions and then flying back to Perth to spend their money and generally live the life.

The FIFO criminal business model is effective as WA police will have no cause to raid Bikie's and make arrests - as WA police only have jurisdiction in our golden state. The dramatic drop in crime figures will make it difficult for our Government to justify the introduction of anti-association laws such as the ones currently in force in Queensland.

Bikies are notoriously closed lipped about their business activities, so arranging an interview proved near impossible. However, a disgruntled former drug cook was willing to speak to us on the basis that we didn't disclose his name. He told The Bell Tower Times:

"The game is changing. You will see a lot more WA Bikies flying to places like Darwin or Adelaide and conducting business. For example, they will fly over for 2 week stints to extort local businesses for protection money or alternatively, arrange buyers for a variety of drugs. Seems mad, but a WA Bikie will fly to Adelaide to sell a drug dealer some Victorian dope! At no stage does the WA Bikie handle drugs or cash... this makes arrests fucking difficult mate. WA pigs cant do shit".

We asked whether police from other jurisdictions will catch on and arrest WA Bikies:

"In theory they could. But they would have fuck all evidence. The Bikie would be back in WA before the money or drugs changed hand. Besides the WA Bikies aint on the radar of other law enforcement authorities. Police rely heavily on word of mouth and history - they aint the brightest stars in the sky mate".

Our informant also told us that:

"Another thing mate, Bikies aint the tattooed hulks that they once were. They are smarter now, you will see most FIFO Bikies dressed normally and without any visible gang tattoos. Just a couple of rough cunts on a boys trip to Darwin or some shit you know? Makes them very hard to detect and track".

The Bikie FIFO model may appear to be good news for Western Australians, however it begs the question - will interstate Bikies conduct their business in WA on a FIFO basis? Is it better to face the devil you know? Time will tell.

13 January 2014, 10:30am

Charles Swagley, 31, has made the shock decision on Sunday to dispense with the handshake and kiss girls on the cheek when he greets them.

Swagley recently made some Italian friends and is rumored to be blown away by the social acceptableness of greeting woman (even hots ones) with either a singular kiss to the cheek or by going full wog and pecking the woman on both cheeks.

Prior to Sunday, Swagley had always greeted woman with a handshake or a hug for girls he was better friends with. We spoke to Swagley about his decision:

"I've always wanted to be one of those guys that kissed woman hello. Why not? Kissing woman is wonderful, their skin is soft, they smell nice and I'm a sophisticated young professional. It's totally fitting".

Playing devil's advocate, we put it to Swagley that the practice may come off a little greasy seeing as the "hello kiss" isn't traditionally part of Australian culture, he retorted:

"Yeh, that would be valid if I compared myself to the rest of the Aussie bogans. Like I said, I am refined, a real man about town. I think woman will love the fact I lean in and give them a little peck before giving them my business card. It is Swagley's time".

Intrigued, we decided to ask a couple of woman who work near the offices of The Bell Tower Times, Samantha, 31, told us:

"ah yeh, no. Personally, I think its creepy even when an Italian greets me with a kiss, it would be positively slimey for this guy to randomly start doing it".

Lucy, 23, told us:

"those guys are gross. Everyone knows its a blatant chance to invade a woman's space and make unnecessary contact. I don't mind my good male friends giving me a small peck, but a guy I just met? That aint not cool".

Lock up your daughters.

12 January 2014, 4:30pm

#NekNominate is a social media drinking game that has grown exponentially over the last couple of weeks.

Essentially, a person uploads a video of themselves skoling an alcoholic beverage and then nominates a friend to do likewise. A seemingly harmless trend.

However, there is a festering and dark underbelly to #NekNominate - it confirms our greatest fear: bogans are online and they are loving it. The sheer number of videos being uploaded of men skoling beer while doing a burnout, or drinking beer thats been poured over another mans ass-crack, is staggering and cringe-worthy.

Bogans must quench their never ending thirst for attention and prove that they are not "soft". NekNominate has essentially become a dick-measuring competition, where no one really wins. The nature of the bogan is nothing new, we have known about their outlandish behavior for decades, however, we are shocked to find that the bogan is savvy with technology and has the know-how to record a video and upload it to social media.

A leading factor in the prevalence of bogans participating in the NekMinute trend is the fact that non-bogans aren't keen to upload a video that makes them look like a 16 year old at Rottnest Island on leavers. Employers admit they search social media before taking on new employees, so for many, it is better to play it safe. The bogan however is fearless (or maybe a little short sighted).

We can only speculate that Facebook will soon become the online equivalent of the alcohol tent at Bathurst 1000. Twitter will become the online equivalent of the smoking area of the Cannington Dog Track. Instagram will become he online equivalent of a hens-day in the Swan Valley. Prepare for total annihilation of prevailing social media standards.

The bogan has learnt that they can have their voices heard on social media. The message they are currently trying to send to Australia is - they can drink beer faster than you. A powerful message indeed.

9 January 2014, 11:00am

Johnny "Bucktooth" Samwell, 34, is an itinerant heroin addict that chooses to live on the streets of the City of Belmont.

Bucktooth likes the City of Belmont because the heroin is "better than the flat-liner shit you get from Armadale cuz".

Residents in the City of Belmont are regularly bothered by Bucktooth, whether it is for a spare cigarette or whether its carefully avoiding the discarded syringes that Bucktooth is notorious for leaving on the footpaths and parks. The alarming number of discarded syringes in the City of Belmont prompted the police to take to the streets and give the local addicts a stern warning about the criminal implications of littering and offenses against the Health Act.

Bucktooth told The Bell Tower Times:

"Coppers bailed me up the other day. Told me that there was an unacceptable number of discarded syringes around where I was living at the time (Rivervale). I told those pigs that they couldn't prove nothing and that I would fight them. They told me to calm down and think about the residents, and how awful it would be if one was to step on a discarded syringe".

We asked Bucktooth if he had any concerns that someone would step on a discarded syringe:

"Maybe, but what is the big deal? I don't have the bad type of hepatitis, only umm, hepatitis B I think. So if the residence are just moaning about the potential discomfort of a pin prick, I mean, fuck it, watch this...(Bucktooth proceeds to pull out a syringe and jab it into the sole of his foot - he grimaces slightly and continues)... see, not that bad mate, I will live to fight another day, or another copper *laughs*".

We sensed that Bucktooth had failed to come to terms with the true gravity of stepping on a discarded syringe. We told the unlovable scamp that hepatitis B was pretty bad, and that it was besides the point, decent folk shouldn't be subjected to weeks of uncertainty because they stepped on something as vile as a discarded syrgine.

Bucktooth heard us out, and then asked us: "Too right cuz, by the way, got a smoke for an old boy like me?".

We didn't. Wear shoes folks.

8 January 2014, 10:00am

The lingerie football league was launched in Australia in 2013 and demanded the attention of Perth men and woman alike. Basically, the sport is a variation of American Gridiron, where the female athletes where racy lingerie.

Hundreds of Perth woman tried out for a spot in the team, who played regular fixtures at NIB Stadium last year. The games drew huge crowds and gained impressive ratings on television. Apart from a few voices of opposition, the series was a success.

Nedlands man, Gavin Smith, 22, was left deeply troubled by the spectacle. It wasn't that he was a Gridiron purist, nor was he flying the flag of feminism and accusing the sport of degrading woman, Gavin simply had no interest in watching the games.

The Bell Tower Times spoke to Gavin about his troubles:

"I like to think of myself as a hot blooded man. However, I just had absolutely no desire to tune in and watch the lingerie football league. All my mates huddled together and got proper drunk watching the games, hooting and hollering, making comments about the girls bodies and going troppo if there was any sign of a nip-slip of a knicker's dip. Not me though, I sat in the corner wondering if I was turning gay or some shit".

We pressed Gavin on how he addressed his inner turmoil:

"I didn't deal with it well to be honest. I sent a 4 page ranting email to an ex girlfriend, asking her whether she thought at any point in our two year relationship that I might be a homo. She told me that I was always sensitive and perhaps my disinterest in the league was due to my overbearing respect for woman. I still have my doubts though".

We spoke to Gavin's best friend, Will Garner, 23, who told us:

"Gav really beat himself up over it. I remember on New Years Eve, he got really drunk and started asking random guys at the Paddington whether they thought he was flirting with them or not. It was getting out of hand. I had to pull him aside and tell him to snap out of it. He was weirding us all out ay".

We are led to believe that Gavin never resolved his inner confusion over his sexuality until he forced himself to watch every single game of the lingerie football league. To his relief, he found the games to be engrossing and at one point found himself playing "pocket billiards" with his testicles.

The nation can release a massive sigh of relief, Gavin has sorted his shit out.

6 January 2014, 12:00pm

A close friend of Curtis Stone has reported that on Boxing Day, the celebrity chef announced to his mates that they wouldn't be dining on the leftovers from Christmas day, as "leftovers are for poor people", we are further told that Curtis then roared with laughter and slapped his wife on the ass.

It is further alleged that Curtis became enraged when his close friend (not a chef) brought along a bowl of potato salad. Curtis allegedly slapped the salad on the floor and announced that he had "worked too hard to be eating fucking potato salad", before getting his mate in a headlock and demanded he stop being "so poor" while in his household.

Apart from Stone's apparent disgust at all things low socioeconomic, his Boxing Day bash was a hit, with the group ending the day watching a box set of "Surfing the Menu", while Curtis discarded all uneaten food into a bin.

6 January 2014, 10:00am

Charles Gotez, 35, has collected over a million discarded bottles and cans since 2010. He has been collected the rubbish as he is able to claim a refund of between 5 - 10 cents for depositing the garbage in South Australia.

South Australia is the only state in Australia that rewards recyclers with a nominal fee for returning cans and bottles to recycling centres. However there is a catch - the bottles and cans only attract a refund if they were purchased in South Australia.

The Bell Tower Times spoke to Gotez and asked him about his remarkable effort, he told us:

"Basically, I will get between $50,000 - $100,000 for a short drive across the Nullabor. I sorta knew my days as a child care worker were limited, due to certain 'legal complications', so I needed a way to raise cash so that I could pay off my mortgage and then sail through the rest of my days on welfare".

We asked him how he accumulated such as massive amount of garbage:

"It's not as hard as you may think. Basically, I host parties every weekend and can accumulate 100-200 cans and bottles per week. However, to get over a million I needed to scavenge massive public events. The South Perth Foreshore after Australia Day is a gold mine. They key is to get their early, before those vultures (City of Perth staff) swoop in and reclaim all the treasure. Oh... I also kick the locks of can-bins that you often find at primary schools".

We then put it to him, that his scheme might fall apart if the South Australian recycling authority refuses to accept the cans as they were not sold in South Australia, he retorted:

"I am planning to arrive in Adelaide on the 27th January at 5:00am. I will swoop in on the post-Australia Day bounty and then create a thick top layer of South Australian sold cans and bottles on top of my glorious heap".

Gotez has clearly planned his mission well. At the end of the day, who can blame the guy. He is cleaning up Perth, clawing together a retirement plan and embarking on the thrill of his life.

We salute you Gotez.

5 January 2014, 4:30pm

CEO of a marketing firm in Perth, Frank Riggatone, 48, has vowed to be more intense and more direct in respect to sexually harassing his female staff in 2014.

Riggatone felt that he let himself down in 2013 and failed to convey his sexual interest to numerous females on his staff. Riggatone told The Bell Tower Times:

"Inter-office liaisons are what I am all about. In 2013, I implemented ineffective sexual advances towards my female staff. For example, I bought my secretary tickets to the Ashes and a box of chocolates for Christmas. Despite my generosity she didn't take me up on my offer to come drinking with me after the Christmas party. Clearly, I need to refine my techniques. I will definitely be more physical, call me Captain Crab Claw, 'cos I'll be pinching".

Riggatone's promise to intensify his sexual advances is sure to alarm his female staff. We were told be an ex office manager that in 2012 Riggatone sent an email to all staff gauging interest in creating a 'sexy' calendar to raise money for breast cancer, 'Riggatone's Angels'. We understand that the email was largely ignored apart from being forwarded to friends and family for a laugh.

Christy, 19, who worked for Riggatone as a temp in 2013, told The Bell Tower Times:

"On one occasion he asked me to come along to a meeting in Osborne Park, about 5 minutes after we departed in his car he made a phone call and told me that the meeting was cancelled so we may as well go shopping. He then dragged me to Braz 'n Things under the guise that he needed to buy underwear for his wife and needed my input. He is a real sleaze ball".

It is not questionable that Riggatone is serious about stepping up his sexual advances. On boxing day he attended a Fremantle piercing studio and had a tongue bolt put in. He has also grown a goatee beard.

Riggatone commands a staff of over 40 yet only 4 of those staff members are male. It will be an all you can harass buffet, and Riggatone is hungry.

2 January 2014, 11:30am

Finally, Facebook users who become enraged at seeing spelling and grammatical mistakes on their friends posts will be able to earn a nominal sum of money from Facebook for correcting the mistake.

Facebook will be releasing an application that will keep track of a users diligence in correcting their friends spelling and grammar. For example, a user who correctly points out that another user has incorrectly used the word their when they should have written they're, will earn up to 0.5cents (US) from Facebook. It is believed that Facebook is rolling out the initiative in an attempt to improve the populations grasp of basic English.

The Bell Tower Times spoke to Rory McInnis, 19, an angry internet addict that often spends his weekends trawling through his news feed and calling his friends and strangers up on their spelling and grammar. Rory told us:

"People are so stupid. It doesn't matter if its a PhD or a Facebook status, you MUST use correct spelling and grammar. I would much rather call someone up on a mistake than actually respond to what they have posted. I'll probably make a fair bit of money from this".

Fast food employee, Tom Crawley, 21, admits that he spends more time online than socialising offline, he told us:

"I literally cannot stop myself from pointing out other peoples stupidity. What kind of loser doesn't know the difference between 'figuratively' and 'literally'?. I do not accept that people cant be bothered proof reading their posts. If they are so retarded to not take the internet seriously then they are just fags".

On the other foot, Tim Kee,32, told us:

"I don't see the big deal. I think Facebook is just going to validate internet freaks sad online existences. I don't give a fuck if I overlook a spelling mistake in my status. Maybe Facebook should give them some coin each time they interact with a female ha ha ha".

Facebook has emerged as a battleground for disengaged internet nerds to compete for the title of the most diligent proof reader.According, it is feared that the application will inflame the culture of cyber bullying and aggressive interactions on Facebook. Nevertheless, a particularly pedantic punter might be able to earn hundreds of dollars a week.

A warning for lazy Facebookers - you will now be targeted.

The Bell Tower Times

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