Young Lawyer Consistently Brings Up Job Without Prompting

29 August 2013, 8:45am

Angus Lovett, 22, recently graduated from a Perth university with a law degree and a beaming sense of self satisfaction.

To anyone worrying that if they meet Angus they will have no idea what he does for a crust, fear not, as Angus will raise the topic within the first 2 minutes of conversation. Guaranteed.

Angus is skilled at "occupation-dropping" and his most trusted weapon in his smug arsenal is the question, "so, what do you do mate?". 9/10 times the victim will respond and then reciprocate the question, to which Angus will reply, "Lawyer, on the Terrace mate".

The Bell Tower Times caught up with Angus to discuss his passion, he told us:

"I really like the impressed look people give me when I tell them that I am a Lawyer on St Georges Terrace... In a way, they share a brief vicarious moment of victory with me... I am not one to blow my own trumpet however, other people's occupations are just as important as being a Lawyer on St Georges Terrace".

Angus' attempt at being humble was possibly more contrived then his chronic occupation-dropping. Our top journalist had to fight the urge to smack him in the mouth.

We caught up with one of Angus' long term friends who wished to remain nameless, he told us:

"When we go out drinking, Angus' has a pocket full of business cards with his mobile phone number written on the back... Atrocious carry-on". 

Surprisingly, Angus doesn't tell the pretty ladies, that he spends most of his day fixing coffees for the senior partners and being berated by the other lawyers for wearing a cheap suit.

C'mon Angus.

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Soccer Australia: Gay Marriage Would Tear Us Apart

27 August 2013, 6:45am

Football Federation Australia has made international headlines by publicly opposing gay marriage in Australia, on the grounds that it would create an unacceptable conflict of interest between the teams.

Football, or "Soccer" as its called in Australia has a higher concentration of homosexual athletes than any other code in the world. A fact that European football leagues are fiercely proud of.

Australian soccer bosses said that Australian soccer teams would struggle to cope with the massive influx of players requiring time off to get married and to honeymoon.

Of more concern to Australian Soccer, is the real possibility that players from opposition teams will consummate their steamy romances, that previously were celebrated in the depths of the change rooms after matches. We spoke to a fan of Perth Glory who said;

"I have nothing against the gays. Live and let live.... but I'm worried that the players will go easy on each other because they now share a marital bed. It's a conflict of interest... plus when over half our teams marry each other, the AFL boys will make [more] fun of us".

Gay right's groups understand the widespread impact that legalising gay marriage will have on Australian Soccer and is lobbying the Federation to change their stance and support gay marriage, provided that players do not tie the knot in a World Cup Qualifying year and promise to dive just as shamelessly when playing their partner's teams.

Go go go, ole ole ole!

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Lost Tourist Survives Off Dick Cheese

22 August 2013, 6:45am

Two weeks ago, Klauss Shneider, 34, left his home in Berlin to embark on a trip of a lifetime. Klauss had booked a ticket to Western Australia with the goal of exploring the states beautiful Kimberley region.

His dream quickly turned into a nightmare, when he became disorientated and unable to find his way out of a remote valley, hours away from civilisation. For all intents and purposes, Klauss was a dead man.

Klauss was lost in the valley for 3 days before he was spotted by a light airplane flying above for a geographical survey. Klauss was flown to Broome Hospital, severely dehydrated but strangely well nourished. Rescuers reported that when they picked Klauss up he was repeatedly saying 'ich liebe das Kase', translated: I love the cheese.

The Bell Tower Times spoke to Klauss while he was recovering in Broome, he told us;

"Food was scarce ja, I survived off a diet of dick cheese and water that I managed to suck out of plants. Many people wouldn't be able to stomach it ja, not Klauss, Klauss eat the cheese of the man... Klauss survive".

The hot and humid climate in the Kimberely made cultivating smegma relatively easy. Now dubbed the "Kimberely Fondue", the unhygienic substance has been hailed as life saving, earning approval in the survivalist community.

Celebrity survivalist, Bear Grylls, told local UK media, that while he had once squeezed the water out of a elephant turd, he had never resorted to the "cheese of man", adding: "remarkable... simply remarkable".

As for the taste, Klauss told us that it reminded him of the Aussie favourite, Vegemite.

We wish Klauss a speedy recovery.

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Local Tough Guy Dissatisfied with Weekend's Biffo

19 August 2013, 11:30am

East Perth resident, Tony Rager, is known to his friends and families as a menacing figure that enjoys a bit of biffo on the weekend.

Rager has been known to both instigate fights and to join other peoples fights and  "swing hooks" with a reckless abandon that has been described as "Mike Tyson-esque".

On 17 August 2013, Rager headed to the Empire Bar in his trade-mark Saturday night look - a tap out shirt, Muay Thai kickboxing shorts and a pair of Timberland steel capped boots. Rager believes that his trademark outfit is essential to being victorious in his vicious assaults.

Unfortunately for Rager, the patrons at the Empire Bar were simply having none of it. Not even the husky bouncers seems interested in reacting to Rager's jeers and intense staring. Remarkably, Rager was unable to start even one fight at the popular FIFO bar.

Rager told the Times:

"I tried all my tricks - standing in peoples way and yelling at them when they brushed past me, calling people homos, slapping chicks on the ass in front of their fellers. Nothing was working for me. It's a real pain in the ass too, cos I am banned from my usual stomping ground - the Crown Casino. Some shit about being a repeat offender. Casino c**ts".

Tommy Long, an associate of Rager, told the Times that Rager had to settle for belting a Taxi driver after refusing to pay the fair. He told us:

"Flogging taxi drivers isn't where Rager wants to be at in his brawling career ya know? Anyone can do that stuff. He is pretty bummed that it came to that. I think he should just cut his loses and move to Port Hedland or Kalgoorlie. Both are an all-you-can brawl buffet". 

Residents in Port Hedland and Kalgoorlie are warned to expect "cyclone Rager".

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Was Bert in Love with Belvedere?

16 August 2013, 7:30am

Bert Newton would often cross to his floor manager, Belvedere, during his show to present a cheesy poem. It was often noted that the two men stared longingly at each other.

Here is a poem from the Bell Tower Times in memory of the two men's passion:

"Bert enjoyed Belvedere's smile 

Belvedere dug Bert's style 

The two men would glance 

Just waiting for a chance 

For their love to soar higher than brokeback mountain".

We now ask our readers to offer their opinion. Was Bert in love with Belvedere?

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Scientific Breakthrough: Smugness Directly Linked to Fitness

15 August 2013, 7:00am

Scientists previously believed that chronic wealth was the primary cause of smugness and a disproportionate sense of self worth.

Our nations wealthy can breath a sigh of relief, as smugness has a new cause.

In a startling breakthrough, a study by Western Australian scientists has shown a strong correlation between a persons level of fitness and their level of smugness.

Head scientist, Beavis Simmons, wrote on his research website:

"It is clear from our studies that fit people are often smug. There are some exceptions to the rule, however we found high traces of smugness in our "fit and healthy" test subjects as compared to our "fat slob" test subjects...

 In some instances, a persons level of smugness can rise sharply while they are in the process of exercising... for example, pea-cocking around the weights bench, yelling slogans like 'No Pain No Gain Baby" and general smirk'ery".

Simmons has warned that left unchecked, smugness can turn someone into an insufferable cock-muncher. Simmons urges people to seek help if they experience any of the following symptoms:

1. Using social media to "check in" at the gym; 

2. Strong beliefs that "soft bodies" are wasting their lives; 

3. Consumption of protein shakes in public; 

4. Giving unsolicited fitness advice; 

5. Wearing bicycle tights at Cafe`s (or in general);

6. Shadow-boxing in public. 

Remember readers, friends don't let friends "check in" at the gym.

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Perth Zoo to House Gina Rinehart

14 August 2013, 7:00am

Perth Zoo is abuzz with excitement, as Colin Barnett recently announced he would pledge $1 million dollars to help relocate and build a suitable enclosure for Gina Rinehart at the Perth Zoo.

Perth Zoo, spokesman told the Times:

"We will be the first Zoo in the world to house a parasitic land mammal. We will convert the elephant pen into a specialised enclosure. Probably with some additional reinforcement though".

Rinehart's natural habitat, the coal fields, have been threatened by economic instability and the invasion of lawyers into her personal affairs. The flow on effect from the destruction of her habitat has led to arrogant comments about the Australian working class and a prolonged attempt to eat her young.

 It is feared that unaided, Rinehart will continue to make an ass of herself in the public spotlight.

Perth Zoo plans to offer Rinehart a state-of-the-art breeding program. As Rinehart feeds off her children's money, it is essential that Rinehart produces more offspring so that she may have enough resources to survive. It is believed Tony Abbott has volunteered himself for the program.

Twiggy Forest has volunteered one of his front end loaders to assist with the relocation, adding "good riddance". 

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Craig Thompson Introduces Prostitute Allowance Bill Into Parliament

13 August 203, 7:00am

Embattled independent MP, Craig Thompson has stunned Parliament by attempting to introduce the Politician Prostitute Allowance Bill 2013, that would allow our nations pollies to claim up to $5000.00 per week on escort, strip club and massage services.

Political analysts suspect that the Bill, dubbed "Thompsons Law", is a desperate last ditch attempt for Thompson to clear his name over allegations he used a Union credit card to engage the services of prostitutes while at HSU.

The Bill is intended to operate retroactively, and also apply to the heads of Unions. Therefore, if the Bill became law, Thompson would be cleared of all charges pending against him.

A spokesperson for the Federal Parliament told the Bell Tower Times that the Bill was subjected to vigorous debate and aggressively supported by some members of the Parliament. A Labour MP (identity concealed), reportedly told Parliament:

"Once again, Thommo is ahead of his time. This Bill is vital... if politicians are forced to use the services of cheap street-walkers, then we will miss Parliamentary sitting time while we get treated for STD's and encourage embezzlement when we need to scrounge together some hush money".

Other MP's stormed out of Parliament in apparent disgust and anger at the proposed reform.

At this stage, the Bill is unlikely to become law, however some MP's are hopeful that a watered down version of the Bill can slip through. An unnamed MP told the Times:

I am happy to compromise and see the total allowance reduced. For example, we can drop the $50.00 per week allocated for condoms, as I don't use condoms anyway".

At least the Australian public aren't the only ones getting fucked.

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Facebook Stalker: Man Accidentally 'Likes' New Co-Workers Beach Photo from 2008

12 August 2013, 2:30pm

Brenton Anders, 42, has worked at an inner city town planning firm for the last six years. He was elated when Kate Smith, a new smokin' hot university student, commenced her two weeks of work experience yesterday.

Anders was quick to enter the girls name into Facebook to get a glimpse into her life and lurk through her photo albums. Much to Anders' delight, Kate's privacy settings where virtually non-existent and he was able to creepily trawl through each and every one of her 957 photos.

Unfortunately for Anders, it was Kate's sloppy privacy settings that led to his undignified fall from grace. Kate had allowed non-friends to interact and when Anders came to  photo 456, from the album, Rotto Summer '08, his sweaty hand slipped and he unintentionally 'liked' a photo of young Kate wearing a bikini and posing for the camera.

There was little Anders could do at this point. He knew in his heart that Kate would receive the notification in a matter of seconds, and he would forever be the 42 year old creep that couldn't even wait one day to Facebook stalk the work experience girl.

Anders provided this short statement to the Bell Tower Times: "Aw shit".

Boys will be boys.

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Voters Warned: Clive Palmer’s Jiggling May Have Hypnotic Effect

9 August 2013, 8:45am

As the Federal Election looms, voters have been warned to avoid looking directly at Clive Palmer while he delivers his campaign speeches, or risk falling into a pro-Palmer trance.

Body language expert, Craig Smith, told the Times:

“Clive has always maintained a husky figure to further his mining career. His gut and turkey-neck jiggle in such a way, that anyone speaking to Clive falls into a trance-like state and becomes agreeable to what Clive says.

 The best way to explain it is, if you sit at a desert buffet, you will take particular notice of the bowl of jelly. The way it moves demands your attention. Clive is that bowl of jelly”.

Palmer’s hypnotic qualities may come as no surprise to the Australian public. Recently, Palmer convinced investors to back a venture to re-build a fully working replica of the Titanic. A ship intimately connected with memories of ship-wreck, tragedy and death. Conclusive proof that Palmer has pulled the fat over investor’s eyes.

It has also been suggested that Tony Abbott’s cackle and Kevin Rudd’s constant stream of bullshit may also have hypnotic qualities.

The Bell Tower Times suggests voters close their eyes when Palmer delivers his campaign speeches and focus on the verbal-sewerage coming out of his mouth.

Happy voting all.

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Roves Back! A Nation Cringes

8 August 2013, 7:15am

Rove's appearance on The Project last night has sent shock waves through the Australian community, fueling rumors that L.A has finally had enough of his atrocious stand up comedy and irritating shit-eating grin (pictured).

Dubbed, "The King of Scrotes", Rove is expected to regain the revered 7:30 pm Sunday time slot with his talk show, Rove Live.

We urge our readers to be vigilant and calmly change the channel when Rove makes an appearance. If we cant see him, he cant hurt us.

"Say hello to your mum for me" - ugh...

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Teen Pleads #YOLO to Robbery and Extortion Charges

7 August 2013, 6:30am

Arthur Cronski, 18, has set a legal precedent in Western Australia by pleading "#YOLO" to a string of armed robbery and extortion charges that he allegedly committed between 2012 - 2013. 

Cronski began his criminal career by threatening to skin his neighbour's pets alive if they did not pay his weekly "tax". Cronski told the Times:

"YOLO man, it all started out as a bit of fun ya know. I was young and living life to the max... so i thought why not violently extort a few bucks off my neighbours? I just didn't want any regrets, baby".

The Prosecution allege that on 24 December 2012, Cronski celebrated Christmas Eve by engaging in a "swag fueled rampage" committing 6 aggravated armed robberies around the Rivervale and Belmont areas.  Cronski allegedly targeted petrol stations and threatened staff with broken Patron tequila bottle. Cronski's girlfriend, Belinda told the Times:

"OMG wooo. Terrorising those petrol station attendants with a Patron bottle shows just how much swag Arthur has. Other criminals probably would just use some lame knife... I don't know what the big deal is, he was just young and crazy, we all make bo-bo's".

Cronski's defence team was tight lipped about proceedings, however they were able to tell us that the basis for the #YOLO defence, is that, had Cronski not committed the string of violent offences, he would be filled with crippling regret in his old age.

Cronski is due to re-appear before the Perth Magistrates Court on 9 August 2013.

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Ponytailed Doofus Fails to Pull Off Leather Jacket

6 August 2013, 8:35am

Before the Purchase

Richard Cork, 34, has sported a greasy ponytail for the last 15 years of his life. He believes that the 10 cm ponytail gives him a mysterious charm, that the ladies cannot resist. 

On 5 August 2013, Cork received a generous tax return of $2,500.00 from the ATO. He instantly purchased a black leather jacket from David Jones, Cork told the Times:

"Um, hellooooo James Dean! I look totally bad-ass in this. John Kizon eat your heart out. Finally, girls will stop putting their hands over their drinks when i talk to them at bars".

Cork intentionally wore dark jeans and a white t-shirt to the store, in anticipation of his leather jacket purchase. Onlookers witnessed Cork smugly strutting around David Jones with the jacket and a pair of black Rayban sunglasses on.

We spoke to Donna, who was shopping at the time:

"I was speechless, he was swaggering around like George Clooney... he gave me one of those obnoxious pistol hand gestures when he walked past".

Tyrone told the Times:

"He fancied himself a pretty smooth operator. In my opinion he was failing to pull off a look that was never really popular in the first place. It was like the Hakea Prison's sex offenders unit was doing a rendition of Grease, and he was John Travolta".

Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but man-ponytails and leather jackets do not match.

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Court Orders Hipster to Shave Off Rancid Mustache

2 August 2013, 9:15am

Leederville Hipster, Branson Reid, was apprehended by police on Thursday evening outside the Velvet Lounge in Mount Lawley, for disorderly conduct in public.

Police allege that Reid's disgusting, pubic hair-like mustache was offensive and frankly, horrible to look at. Constable Donger told the Times:

"Enough is enough. Blokes are trying to enjoy a cold beer on a Thursday evening, and they have to look at this insufferable hipster's rank mustache the entire time. It's against the public order mate. I envision a world, where a man can enjoy a beer in Mount Lawley, without having to look at some shit-eating hipster".

Reid fronted the Perth Magistrates Court on Friday morning and asked for an adjournment so that he could obtain legal advice. The Magistrate was less than impressed and denied Reid's request. The Magistrate remarked:

"There is simply no way I will allow you to walk around with that greasy shit-stain that you call a mustache for a further 2 weeks. Your request for an adjournment is denied and you will follow the bailiff into the nearest public restroom to have that "thing" removed from your lip Mr Reid".

The Times spoke to Reid outside the Court and he told us:

"This sucks, brah. I had a 1990's Hip Hop appreciation night to attend at this Warehouse part-ay tonight. Totes underground, you wouldn't have heard of it brah, I feel so square without my 'stache".

Justice served.

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Stoned Guy Fucks Up Everyone's KFC Order

1 August 2013, 5:30m

Wally Sampson, 21, was enjoying a Wednesday evening of bong smoking, shit talking and table tennis with his mates. Doing what he loves.

At approximately 7:30pm, Wally generously offered to go on a "Dirty Bird Run". For the uninitiated, "Dirty Bird" is a popular colloquialism for KFC. A defiant Wally refused to write anyone's order down, and assured his mates that he has "got this shit".

What began as a nice gesture soon descended into mayhem, when Wally arrived at the KFC in Mount Lawley, he realised that he had not only left his phone at home, but had forgotten everyone's order. Wally decided that he would simply "wing it". 

KFC staffer, Kyle Long, told the Times:

"yeh, this stoned guy rolled through the drive through. He seemed dazed and confused. He ended up buying a bucket of chicken and 8 large potato and gravies. I thought it was a pretty strange order... but hey"

Wally arrived home at approximately 7:55pm, he was met with a chorus of criticism, "where is my Zinga burger", "did you get any chips?", "mountain dew fukhead?", "man, I was really hanging for some popcorn chicken", "why did you buy so much potato and slurry"?

Amazingly, Wally had managed to spend all his friends money on a bucket of dirty chicken and enough potato and gravy to paint a room with.  

Wally apologised for the effort and retreated into the toilet with a tub of potato and gravy, to "be alone with the slurry". 

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