Lost Tourist Survives Off Dick Cheese

22 August 2013, 6:45am

Two weeks ago, Klauss Shneider, 34, left his home in Berlin to embark on a trip of a lifetime. Klauss had booked a ticket to Western Australia with the goal of exploring the states beautiful Kimberley region.

His dream quickly turned into a nightmare, when he became disorientated and unable to find his way out of a remote valley, hours away from civilisation. For all intents and purposes, Klauss was a dead man.

Klauss was lost in the valley for 3 days before he was spotted by a light airplane flying above for a geographical survey. Klauss was flown to Broome Hospital, severely dehydrated but strangely well nourished. Rescuers reported that when they picked Klauss up he was repeatedly saying 'ich liebe das Kase', translated: I love the cheese.

The Bell Tower Times spoke to Klauss while he was recovering in Broome, he told us;

"Food was scarce ja, I survived off a diet of dick cheese and water that I managed to suck out of plants. Many people wouldn't be able to stomach it ja, not Klauss, Klauss eat the cheese of the man... Klauss survive".

The hot and humid climate in the Kimberely made cultivating smegma relatively easy. Now dubbed the "Kimberely Fondue", the unhygienic substance has been hailed as life saving, earning approval in the survivalist community.

Celebrity survivalist, Bear Grylls, told local UK media, that while he had once squeezed the water out of a elephant turd, he had never resorted to the "cheese of man", adding: "remarkable... simply remarkable".

As for the taste, Klauss told us that it reminded him of the Aussie favourite, Vegemite.

We wish Klauss a speedy recovery.