Kyle used to Vespa around Mount Lawley putting more pingas on the shelf than Shane Warne working Coles’ nightfill.
That was until he picked up a copy of Men’s Health before a flight to Melbourne to take a barista course. What he read shocked him. Apparently, gluten is a shitcunt.
He stared at his ham & cheese sanga and the plane filled with the tension of an Indian taxi driver asking a shirtless patriot to pay up front on ‘Straya Day. He could no longer tolerate it. In fact his whole life had to change.
He grew his hair out, discontinued beard maintenance and dressed like an eat, love, pray-cunt that had a spiritual awakening after a 3 day Ubud yoga retreat. Most importantly, he took up residence in South Fremantle.
Gluten intolerance was merely a gateway drug to harder dietary addictions. Lactose was next on his list and much like an internet atheist with a Lynx addiction, he will only add the “milk” of things that have never been near an actual titty.
He hops on his fixie and rides down to the South Freo Sunset markets to mingle with the barefooted flock of organic trending sheep.
While harvesting some kale, he overhears an argument about the controversial Roe 8 project being lead by an impassioned hippie that would rather be bound to an old growth tree than the horrors of an employment contract.
Well, so it happens, Kyle has read a few paragraphs of a Newscorp article himself. Like a true poser, he enters the argument with the intensity of blue balled Shannon Noll refusing to pay for his lap dance because Guy Sebastian’s “Angels Brought Me Here” started playing just before he had a chance to turn his jeans into a milk spill at the local corner shop.
Not posing you say? Well, not only did he kinda read that Newscorp article but he also hashtagged the shit out of the issue on a Freo Facebook group. Who needs political movers & shakers when you have advocates like Kyle ay?
Next stop, Percy Flint to sit out the front with his Macbook and work on his organic food blog. While typing about various grains he notices how trendalicious the #vegetarian hashtag is. Clearly he isn’t going hard enough. Is he even South Freo at all?
So he looks over at an a guy devouring some pork belly and cringes, “you omnivores make me sick, do you think that pig wanted to die mahn?”
If only #dontbeafuckedcunt started trending.
