Tiffany arrives an hour early to the opening of a new Leederville cafe to make sure she is the first to upload a photo to her Instagram page, “The Paleo Bae”. As the doors open, she rushes to the counter to bombard the barista with a gazillion questions about the ethical sourcing and organic certification of their food. Her dietary-intensity leaves the barista’s will to live as depleted as the baby formula shelves at Big W.
Her meal arrives and she asks the waiter to place the meal so that the balsamic vinegar on the sliced avocado is glistening majestically in the sunlight. Instead of thanking the waiter for his service, Tiffany bumble-fucks around with her camera settings and fails to extend even the slightest pleasantry to the man.
Having ignored social etiquette she turns her focus on the perfect photo and begins to contort and flail her body like a snake trying to escape it’s tickle-happy uncle-conda. By the end of her 7 minute photo shoot her eggs are colder than Abbott’s Christmas card message to Lord Turnbull.
Suddenly, drama unfolds as Perth’s most feared Zomato-reviewer and self professed food blogger enters the cafe. Thom aka Perths_Fab_Foodie anger-prances towards Tiffany and stands over her while she joylessly masticates her well photographed meal. Tiffany looks up and smirks, “looks like you're too late Thom, the Paleo Bae is all over this cafe”.
Thom smugly grins and drops an envelope on the table, “oh really dahhhling, why don't you have a peaksyboo”. Tiffany opens the envelope and looks as distressed as a hungover lad going through his sent messages folder.
She is holding a photo that was taken last weekend after she had spent the night with a dashing man she’d met at Brera. The photo shows her mercilessly chowing into an Angry Whopper in her Borgioli-clad romeo’s breakfast nook. “I see you boinked my good friend Antonio *campishly giggles*, well dahling, Perth’s Fab Foodie gets the exclusive, or I am going to post this atrocity and ruin you, *giggling intensifies* you gluten-scoffing cow”.
Tiffany’s house of lies has been home invaded by the masked pest of truth. To add salt to the wound, Thom drops a sass bomb, “oh, and sweetie, maybe try vegetarian, because you certainly don’t know what to do with meat in your mouth”.
Fed up with the scene these two blogtards are making, the barista calmly walks over and requests they take their disagreement elsewhere. The pair stop their squabbling and eye-slam the barista, before saying in unison, “don’t you know who I am?”
Yeh, a couple of no name dickheads with a camera and an unfounded arrogance in their status as foodies. Of course, the barista is forced to take the back foot in the pride-swallowing dance of customer service, “please guys, people are trying to enjoy their meals”.
Thom and Tifanny are no longer at war, neither wants to post this disrespectful Cafe’s sub-par food now. So to mend their bruised egos they unite and draft a scathing 1 star review for Zomato. Or, "Urbanspoon" as it will always be known in our hearts.
In an age where expertise yields to a following, this is the sort of cuntery that will hurt an eatery worse than a mega-pube in the soup bowl of peer reviewing.
Art by Shakey and proudly displayed at @jacandthebeanfremantle