The Human Zoo - Mr Stereosonics

Timmy Shredz is Johnny NoHomo’s little brah and is a real chip off the old block. The day Shredz bought his Stereos ticket he uploaded a photo of it onto his Instagram account, #CalvinHarris #Skrillex #yehboi#StereosBitch. A year ago, Shredz was letting Nova FM dictate the tunes he listened too. However, one festival season and a trip to Ibiza later, he is an expert on dance music, “I’ll pretty much have Skrillex playing at my wedding ay, fucking love dubstep bro”.

Shredz has been stepping up his fitness regime in the months leading up to November. “Boiled chicken and broccoli bro, every meal”. His body is rippling with misguided muscular definition. Health and strength take a backseat to his ambition to be the swole-boss at Stereos. In the end, h
e is desperately seeking the approval of Air Max-honeys who wear less clothing than a fake titted slurry on Big Brother Up Late. 

Shredz hosts the befores and struts around the collective of Ken and Barbie dolls that are yabbering on about the pinga's like they were in the Ambar alleyway, “shit chyeh bro, I’mma double drop a White Mitsi and a Batman 30 minutes before Calvin’s set, I’ll be chewing my face off during his drops”. The true mark of a music fan is being unable to enjoy your chosen genre without pinging harder than Benny Cousins on a public holiday. Shredz excuses himself, he needs to carefully work on his look.

He stands in front of his bathroom mirror. Tiny man-yoga shorts, a bright yellow singlet, a matching headband and a new pair of Onitsuka Tigers. He has a photo of Zyzz hanging on the wall and he carefully styles his hair in the same way. He returns to his flock and whips out a Mr Universe flex. His peacocking is met with moronic hollering that cements his Godlike status in the Church of shredded dickheadery.

Shredz's is higher than an old boys trousers and his little pee-pee is sticking out of his fuckboy shorts like a cute tiny turtle. He spends the first 3 hours rave-dancing like a prick near the public toilets. Unsurprisingly, he misses every artist that he has been banging on about for the last year. Amazingly, he doesn’t actually see ANY artist perform for the entire day. Instead, he spends his day exchanging phone numbers with blokes and commenting on each others 8-pacs.

One of his new shred-buddies sends him a photo he took of Tiesto’s set. Shredz uploads it to his Instagram,#NightsLikeThese #LoveTiesto #MusicLove#StereosBro. You've fucking ruined musical festivals you protein-pricked pinga popper.