The Human Zoo - Mr Perth X-mas 2016

The ghost of yew-mas past visits Kody and whisks him away to the charred remains of his neighbour’s house. Three days before X-mas Kody had decided to do a little improvised electrical work on the property to ensure he had enough juice to power his hydro set up.

The ghost shows Kody that he caused the blaze and points out the total destruction of all his neighbour’s shit. “Nah git fucked, probably those Western Power drongos ay, I didn’t do nuffin”.

The ghost of yew-mas past looks Kody in the eyes, “see what a shitcunt you are?”

Next, Kody is visited by the ghost of yew-mas present and is taken back to Woolworths where he had done some “shopping” on Xmas eve. He is forced to relive the encounter with his neighbour Bobbo Cratchit:

“Times are tough mate, lil Timmy is devo all his presents got burned but at least we got the last chrissy ham! Lil Timmy’s favourite mate”

Kody waits for Bobbo to turn his back before grabbing the ham out of the trolley and stuffing it down his trackie and bolting through the self checkout.

The ghost of yew-mas present shakes his head, “mate, if this was the shit-cuntolympics you would be Cuntstain-Bolt.

Next the ghost of yew-mas yet to come visits Kody and fast forwards him through time to his Bali wedding. None of his best men have rocked up because Kody had honked a entire 8-ball he’d organised for his bucks and dished out Mandurah handshakes when asked for reimbursement.

To make matters worse, his brother took a pass because he wasn’t too keen on seeing his brother marry the mother of his own 3 illegitimate kids.

Kody pleads with the ghost of yew-mas yet to come, “please, does anyone rate me?” The ghost takes a breath, “people would rather play fetch with their pet at the Yulin dog eating festival than be your mate”.

Kody awakens on X-mas day in a shardish sweat and swears to change his ways. Accordingly, he drops off a 200g packet of Dorsogna tracksuit ham and a little bud in a pill baggie to the Cratchits.

Sadly it’s too late, lil Timmy is already feasting on Spam directly from the can.

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