1. Life Hasn’t Gone the Way You Hoped
In the JB Hi-FI bin of life, someone has to be the M*A*S*H box set, and it's probably you. You married an idiot, you manage your money like a bogan at a strip-club and you have the employment prospects of John Wayne Gacy at a Cirque du Soleil audition. You are EXACTLY the sort of superstar that pyramid selling attracts. Hell, you may even be one? Let’s find out more.
2. Your product is a total bag of shit
Actually, that is not fair. Even a bag of shit is useful when used to promote growth in agriculture. No, your product is as useful as a pack of condoms at a Young Liberal’s conference. See, the thing about the free market is that people usually spend their hard earned on things they either want or need. Which category does your goat’s cum skincare range fall under? The bin category mate.
3. You Have Become Scarily Intense
After just a few weeks of pyramid selling, you will have developed the unblinking stare of a serial killer's sex doll wrapped in his mother's skin. Your social media acquaintances have become your prey and if the first 10 messages & tags don't work, maybe another 55 will. Remember, go for the throat. Are they fat? Call ‘em that. Are they spotty & pale like a ranga’s shlong? Tell 'em! Your shit isn't going to sell itself and there is only one Cuntopatra in the game of pyramids.
4. La di da di You Like to Party
Most pyramid selling is done online these days. However, your so-called “loved ones” have learned they can block you. What do you do? You go old school and organise a party! What kind of party? An event that makes a lemon party seem sweet, that's what! (Don't look that up). Once they are in your lair, you will be able to increase your intensity and pressure them into buying a second-rate vibrator or blow their next mortgage repayment on some shit-your-dacks tea.
5. You Fake It Until You Make It
The only thing more important than success is giving off the appearance of success. To that end, you will likely lease a car you can’t afford and get custom plates which shamelessly plug your shoddy company. Apart from the deluded successful lifestyle you portray on social media, you may even get a chance to hold seminars. Where you can lie to yourself in front of future leeches in a room that makes the Bull Creek Footy Club look like the Hyatt.
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