The Human Zoo - Mr Bali Ash Cloud


Two weeks ago Bryan had a YOLO moment after too many cans of bourbon and booked a trip to Bali. Alas, giving late notice to his employer and disregarding his dwindling finances has become typical of Bryan’s unique brand of “she’ll be right” adulthood. A take-no-responsibility approach to life that so often leaves him aggrieved by the slings and arrows of foreseeable fortune. His passport is stamped with the ink of bogan entitlement and now, he is spewin’ about the #ashcloud.

Bryan has been stranded in Bali for 3 days. His Skygarden-hangover is being compounded by angry texts from his boss as to his whereabouts. As he waits on hold to speak to a Jetstar representative his mind drifts to the highlight of his trip - pissing on a passed out Frenchman at Potato Head. He turns to his anxious missus who is awaiting an ash cloud-related update, “fucking, pissed in his mouth too, ay”. Finally, he gets through to a Jetstar representative, “oi shut up, yous listen to me, this isn't good enough, I paid good money for me flights and yous is gonna get me farking fired, cant yous just fly me out?”

Unprepared to sleep in the bed he has made for himself, Bryan jumps on Facebook to blame an airline for the carnal rumblings of an ancient volcano, “Stuck in BALI! Jetstar r useless! wont TELL US ANYTHIN!! PAYIGN CUSTONERS!!! fuck, ok lol, probs lose job cos boss rekon it’’s my fault (lol fuak off)... still getin magget tho. I,f not sorted soon wlli be sueing..!!!.1 dunno wat an ashcloud is but rekon other airlin fly thru em, so the fuck?!”

Bryan knows that some ice cold Bintangs and McDonald’s delivery will cure what ails him. Predictably, he hasn’t checked his bank balance all week because he is not one to concern himself with holiday budgeting or any of that “shit”. He checks his ATM receipt, “$15.89”. The humble figure shocks the Southern Cross right off his chest, and he frantically tries to figure out who is to blame for his fiscal irresponsibility - Jetstar, of course, so he takes the fight to the airport.

The waiting area looks like a pen of hungover rock apes that have recently evolved thumbs so they could leave 1-star reviews. Bryan proves he is the king of the ape-ship brigade by approaching the desk and alternating between talking over the girl aggressively and obscure bursts of profanities. “I’M BROKE AND GONNA LOSE ME JOB COS OF YOUS, LEARN HOW TO RUN A FUCKING AIRLINE!!”.

Before the spittle from his slack-jawed lands on the small Indonesian staff member, a group of Bintang-clad men applauds Bryan’s eloquence in the face of disaster. “Fuck oath! You tell em!”

Sorry, Bali.

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