Mr "P Plate"



No one could’ve prepared young Billy for the merciless leer of the tradie into his P-Plated Barina. Men with grizzly stubble desperate to sexually harass some cute chickybabe. The look of frustrated disappointment in the sun-weathered plumbers face will haunt young Billy for life. What did he do to cause the plumber to punch his steering wheel and mouth the words, “fuck off”? Little more than being a teenage boy in the most leered at car on the planet: the P Plated Barina.

Billy shanked his driving test 3 times. “Why do I even need to parallel park?” He laments to his gold-framed glasses wearing Pakistani driving instructor. The slick Pakistani shoots him back a look: “why do you even need your testicles, dickworm”. When Billy finally got his P Plates he was forced to sport the red plates for a period and then the green ones. If you are like most people who weren't born into the YOLO generation, you probably have made no effort to learn the difference between the two colours. Let us explain, the red plates demonstrate you will dangerously merge because you almost missed your Freeway turn off. The green plates demonstrate that you will try to drag race any cunt from the traffic lights.

Billy picks up a couple of mates from Bicton and excitedly squeaks, “Maccas run!” He gets stuck behind some bloke trying to turn off onto Preston Point Road. He obnoxiously honks his horn and flips the bird at the old boy. “Old cunts can’t drive ay”, he announces to his carload of bird-flipping motoring experts. Oh yeh, heaven forbid a motorist make the cardinal sin of waiting to turn safely onto their street!

Billy aka Peter Brock, pulls into the Maccas drive through. They immaturely goof around at the order box and order a large coke. Billy has been gagging for a chance to execute a “fire in the hole” for ages. The Maccas chick hands him the drink, he yells “FIRE IN THE HOLE” and attempt to launch it back through the window. It hits his window frame and explodes all over his own car and covers him in sticky failure. Shamed, he tries to burn it out of the drive through but experience gets the best of him and he stalls magnificently. The Macca’s chick looks at Billy desperately try to restart his car. “Nice Barina dude”.

Billy attempts to update his Facebook status while navigating out of the car park. He is spinning his moment of vehicular impotence as a great lark in the fine tradition of CKY and Jackass. Turns out, old mate Brocky is too experienced to type and drive at the same time: he slams into the back of some methbogan’s rapey-Hi-Lux. He is almost in tears as the methbogan goes troppo and angrily vents his frustration at the bingle. Billy is desperately trying to get in touch with his dad to find out the insurance details. When the methbogan leaves, he turns to his friend, “why was the cunt just stopped?”

Well Billy, thats what happens when you park your car, mate.

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