Mr Dreamworld Expert



Sam is like the Mike Nolan of unwanted opinions, ready to slap on the High-Vis shirt of expertise and weigh in on any tragedy at any opportunity.

He used to be an unskilled labourer specialising in half-jobs. However, since he “did his back” he spends his days waiting on Gorilla conservation groups to contact him for further guidance on Ape conflict resolution.

Sam is like an overfilled bag of fertiliser, you’re expecting shit, but are legitimately surprised at just how much comes out. So when news of the Dreamworld tragedy broke, his acquaintances knew Facebook was going to resemble laxative day on a German porn set.

He gets to work early on a Perthnow article about the accident:

“Not farken surprisd ayy,., i worked for Dreemworld in ‘91 doen some maintenance and that, i WARNED EM bout the belt ha ha.. Pretty bludy simple, any one who know continuous motion rides knew it..  Muppets is all i can say”

His online gum-flappery is liked by a series of school of hard knock alumni with out of focus profile pics. Step aside fellow knuckle-draggers, Einstein is in the house with his theory of cunt-ativity.

The 5 likes on his previous lie has made Sam feel alive. Finally, he is getting the kind of attention and love that his mother substituted for alcohol during his fetal and formative years.

He tracks down articles from various news outlets and continues to live out the bob the builder fantasy in his head:

“Wudlnt hav happened on MY WATCH,. Even If proper maintainfence procedure bin followed, cos look at the belt chasie!!! I said it in ‘91 and im saying it NOW”

In a sea of public condolences, Sam feels compelled to cause waves of blame and speculation. A caps locked Vulture that circles the ambiguity and scavenges the limelight. 17 likes total.

The likes flow through his veins like a fiend. He knows to get his next hit he will need to get on his knees in the back alley of public decency and do something that really sucks.

He contacts the usual trash-media outlets in an attempt to be heard. He tells them that not only did he warn about this in ‘91 but he was actually there that day and tried to warn them.

Now, given the media’s attitude is that a retraction is easier than a fact-check, they print the bullshit under an “anonymous source”. Christmas has come early, and Sam is gleefully ho ho ho’ing like a regular Father Fuckmas.


Get back under your bridge Sam.

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