1. Outrage Over Costumes
Now, just because you call the police when African youth are waiting “suspiciously” at your local bus stop, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t start an outraged online petition over some flog you don’t know wears blackface to his local footy club party. How will people know you are morally superior?
Don’t stop there though, racial insensitivity is merely an entrée on the buffet of bad taste costumes you will see this weekend - Harvey Weinstein, Oscar “Blade Gunner” Pistorius and IS terrorists will feature prominently, so like Troy Buswell at a La-Z-Boy convention, stick your nose where it doesn’t belong and state how fucking offended you are!
2. Judging Girls Showing Some Skin
The one thing that unites us all, from the creepers to the feminists, is that it is totally fine for girls to dress like the stripper version of just about anything on Halloween. The entire world is on board with a little T&A, except you, of course. Oh no, the stunning lean Phillies remind you of the short-haired Shetland Pony you have become, forever chewing the bitter cud of jealousy.
While your stagnate in your outdated pond of modesty shoot them the ocular spanking their fathers never gave them (before their daddies do for real).
3. Trick or Treat
How will your little baby ever cope with the societal pressures of being offered the phallically masculine Boost Bar, when it may be his choice to enjoy a more feminine Cadbury Dream, and fuck, what if the lollies contain GMOs, gluten or sugar? Not on your watch. Do a round of the neighbourhood and hand out recyclable bags full of mung beans or whatever the fuck it is you eat.
You know all about tricks. Like those so-called “doctors” telling vaccines work or those certain regulatory bodies telling you that your 2-week course in holistic medicine doesn’t authorise you to doll out medical advice on Facebook. Be on high alert, big pharma is trickier than working out a mate’s microwave after a big night out.
4. Cultural Appropriation
Despite Halloween’s origins stemming from Celtic Christianity, you should make it clear that you are no fan of Australia always copying America.
Halloween outfits are the Akubra on the head of the Partaby Joyces and they make you look like just as much of a posing fuckwit. Nevermind that Halloween isn’t American, or that America has seeped into our “culture” like premature ejaculate through a virgin's grundies, you should definitely take a stand against the yankification of our beautiful country.
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