The Human Zoo - Mr South Fremantle




Kyle used to Vespa around Mount Lawley putting more pingas on the shelf than Shane Warne working Coles’ nightfill.

That was until he picked up a copy of Men’s Health before a flight to Melbourne to take a barista course. What he read shocked him. Apparently, gluten is a shitcunt.

He stared at his ham & cheese sanga and the plane filled with the tension of an Indian taxi driver asking a shirtless patriot to pay up front on ‘Straya Day. He could no longer tolerate it. In fact his whole life had to change.

He grew his hair out, discontinued beard maintenance and dressed like an eat, love, pray-cunt that had a spiritual awakening after a 3 day Ubud yoga retreat. Most importantly, he took up residence in South Fremantle.

Gluten intolerance was merely a gateway drug to harder dietary addictions. Lactose was next on his list and much like an internet atheist with a Lynx addiction, he will only add the “milk” of things that have never been near an actual titty.

He hops on his fixie and rides down to the South Freo Sunset markets to mingle with the barefooted flock of organic trending sheep.

While harvesting some kale, he overhears an argument about the controversial Roe 8 project being lead by an impassioned hippie that would rather be bound to an old growth tree than the horrors of an employment contract.

Well, so it happens, Kyle has read a few paragraphs of a Newscorp article himself. Like a true poser, he enters the argument with the intensity of blue balled Shannon Noll refusing to pay for his lap dance because Guy Sebastian’s “Angels Brought Me Here” started playing just before he had a chance to turn his jeans into a milk spill at the local corner shop.

Not posing you say? Well, not only did he kinda read that Newscorp article but he also hashtagged the shit out of the issue on a Freo Facebook group. Who needs political movers & shakers when you have advocates like Kyle ay?

Next stop, Percy Flint to sit out the front with his Macbook and work on his organic food blog. While typing about various grains he notices how trendalicious the #vegetarian hashtag is. Clearly he isn’t going hard enough. Is he even South Freo at all?

So he looks over at an a guy devouring some pork belly and cringes, “you omnivores make me sick, do you think that pig wanted to die mahn?”

If only #dontbeafuckedcunt started trending.

9 Readers Comments:

  • Herman Zaiveir says:
    October 31, 2017 at 3:02 AM

    Cant help but notice the "every vego is a kale loving pseudo spiritual cunt" motif you've got going. Anything you want to get off your chest belle?

  • Marlene says:
    October 31, 2017 at 5:43 AM

    I've also noticed that the veg-hate and veg-stereotyping runs high on these posts. Contrarily, lots of ordinary people are taking up plant-based diets to ward off cancer and cardiovascular disease. I really enjoy the Bell Tower Times otherwise.

  • Unknown says:
    October 31, 2017 at 5:53 AM

    Why not make it a little more obvious that you are a vego and can't laugh at obvious satire not aimed directly at you?

  • Unknown says:
    October 31, 2017 at 5:53 AM

    Why not make it a little more obvious that you are a vego and can't laugh at obvious satire not aimed directly at you?

  • Greggy says:
    October 31, 2017 at 5:02 PM

    "He stared at his ham & cheese sanga and the plane filled with the tension of an Indian taxi driver asking a shirtless patriot to pay up front on ‘Straya Day. " Gold

  • Anonymous says:
    November 1, 2017 at 12:15 AM

    Why not make it a little more obvious that you are a vego and can't laugh at obvious satire not aimed directly at you?

  • Anonymous says:
    November 1, 2017 at 8:47 AM

    A vegetarian diet to ward of cancer is the dumbest fucking thing I have read today, and I just read an article about Trump

  • Anonymous says:
    November 23, 2017 at 4:56 PM

    Wouldn't it be easier just to ban satire, and shut down anyone attempting any sort of humour? The world would be a better place if we all stopped having any sort of fun.
    I have already gone first.

  • Patrickb says:
    November 26, 2017 at 4:01 PM

    What, this is satire? Seem more like someone has a massive chip on their shoulder.

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