The Human Zoo - Ms Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day used to represent the Hall-water-Mark of consumerism. A day when the wave of pointless spending crashed on the shore of forced sentiment and girls got some flowers and guys got their dicks gobbled like the cookie monster at morning tea.

That fuckery was bad enough, but now Valentine’s Day is a social media decathlon of rubbing your receipt-backed love in other bitches faces #stickthatinyourunlovedface. If love is a competition then Chrissy plans to win and be adorned in more gold than Cuntsain Bolt.

The first event is breakfast in bed. Dan had better get up 40 minutes early and whip up an Instagrammable acai bowl with a fresh smoothie if he wants his little dick raised like evidence at a Church Royal Commission. She posts at 6:45am:

“O.M.G YASSSS breakfast in bed, feeling so spoiled by my love #love#valentinesday #lucky #jelly? #notalone #happy #sheisloved #inlove #bae”.

Chrissy forms an early lead. The next event is her mention in The West Australian's Book of Love.

Oh shit, Dan has cheaped out and only expressed his love in 2 lines! She has 13k followers on Instagram, she deserves 3 lines. On a scale 1 to Tom Cruise jumping on the couch like a fucking psycho, 2 lines is a god damned 0.

Chrissy cries in the office toilet until a workmate comes in and tells her there is a delivery for her. Boom, she has burst into the 3rd event swinging: her bouquet, chocolate and teddy bear package is huge. She posts:

“The day just keeps getting better :P Feeling the love! #lindt #roses#loveisintheair #cute #helovesme #lovewins #followme #sizematters”

Size does matter. In fact, it’s not representative of the love towards her, rather the size of the gaping hole of insecurity she feels in her relationship. Nevermind that, she is winning. Over 100 likes so far. Yassss.

Crissy is feeling good coming into the final event: Valentine’s Day dinner. Poor old Dan really destroyed his credit card and arranged dinner at Nobu after taking Chrissy to their Crown Tower’s hotel room complete with a bed covered in roses and a Tiffany’s box. “Uh, will you like marry me babe?”

That shit is so cliche a James Blunt concert might break out. After obsessively checking out all her rivals posts she lands the deathblow of love:

“You know you have found the one when he treats you to Crown Towers, Nobu and Tiffanys! LOVE IS IN THE AIR. I SAID YES!

#tiffanys #nobu#crowntowers #love #ineedconstantproofoflove #whoneedsthebachelor#lovequeen #blessed #poppedthequestion”

Despite Dan spending 1000’s, she somehow makes “being in love” look as appealing as getting waterboarded to the sounds of Waleed’s monologues.