The Human Zoo - Mr "I Love Perth"

Robbo is aggressively pro-Perth and he wouldn’t want to live anywhere else in the world. Partly because he hasn’t really been anywhere else in the world, but mostly because the shitty weathered "queer-o-toriums of Melbourne and Sydney can suck his Ballajura born balls.

While appreciating the taste and value of his Perth coffee, Robbo spots the holy grail of indulgent journalism: “Sorry Sydney, this is Australia's best city”. Another article desperately comparing Perth to the East Coast, much in the same way an insecure insta-model measures her self-worth against the likes of her rivals latest #inspo clit shot.

The article has Robbo blue-balling from the sloshy surge of Perth patriotism. He spots a comment from a traitor claiming that Perth can't match the variety and price of grub in Sydney. Robbo furiously pounds his keyboard to deliver a love-it-or-leave-it load all over the forum.

“ fuk back off to Sydney then mate. had the shitttttttest steak sanga in SHITNEY!! so ye spare us lol….evrr heard of ROCKPOOL? wrld clas joint roight at Perth’s doorstep lol… swivel on that food kulture”.

After a robust argument, Robbo decides it’s time to catch multiple buses to where he left his car last night. 50 minutes into the trip he turns to a fellow commuter, “our buses fly ay, 70kph no worries, ever see a tram do that? Ha, those things run on fruity scarfs mate”. The man stops huffing glue and shoots Robbo an accepting look, “oath, mate, oath”.

After retrieving his car, Robbo barrels into a pub and banter-rapes the barkeep, “you would probably be locked out if this was Shitney ay mate ha ha”. He then turns to another punter and tugs on his Jet Pilots, “beers in ya boardies lad, only in Perth, it'd be pissing down in Melbourne, better wear ya chinos ha ha".

He orders a pint of Perth excellence: Creatures Pale. “$12.30 please mate”. The price leaves Robbo more cut than a bag of Perth coke. Nevertheless, he cries on the inside and puts on a brave front, “yehnah orright, fair cop, better than paying $8 for that poofter-piss Melbourne Bitter ay”.

Against the odds, Robbo finds yet another unflattering comparison to make against a city he has only been to once. The punter next to him rolls his eyes, "the way you bang on about Melbourne, sounds like your secretly in love ha ha". Robbo shoots the man a stare that would pluck a bush chook bald, "i'll fucking glass you mate".

The sun always shines on Perth but you’ll never get that golden West Oz glow if you constantly live in the shadows of Melbourne and Sydney.