1. One can only retire a thong after suffering a critical blowout and not merely when it has morphed into a greasy extension of your footprint.
2. Never fuck with a man wearing double pluggers. Anyone who takes their thong ownership that seriously has nothing to lose.
3. Similarly, never disrespect a man's surfer joes or wide-loads. This man has reached a zen-like acceptance that sometimes comfort trumps style. He is at peace, so leave him at peace.
4. Learn to run in them. Poor technique will see you hitting the kerb harder than American History X. Plus you'll look like a dick.
5. Boycott establishments that don't consider thongs proper footwear. You don't need that kind of negative energy in your loooife.
6. Nothing will attract the female of your species more than a swift de-thong & slap to splatter an insect making a pest of itself.
7. Never tolerate your beloved footwear being referred to as "flip flops" or "jandals". A g-banger is a g-banger and a thong is a thong. Refer to point 6 on how to deal with an argument about this.
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