Tobz would like people to think he is travelling to Canada as a sponsored pro, which might be true if Red Bull paid Aussies to transform Whistler into a tragic production of Bali on Ice.
Upon arrival, Tobz blows a fair chunk of his savings on a new snowboard and the gnarliest ski-wear the Canadian dollar can buy. His dwindling cash reserves do not concern him as he has the fiscal sense of a crackhead with a winning scratchie.
He eventually realises he has to work, so he gets a job serving at a bar and suckles on the tippy teat of gratuities. That's until he came into work charging like he'd won the golden ticket Pippy Wonka's Pseudo Factory.
Turns out there is such thing as too much MDMA and generally, if you start looking like the cookie monster with a concussion, you’ve hit that limit. As punishment, he was reassigned to, but a mad dog cannot be leashed, so he stormed out mid shift and made a phone call back home begging for more rent money.
Life was going as well as it could be for a mountain-mooch. He was carving fresh pow pow on the daily and begging girls for hot tub tuggos on the nightly. That's until he decided to hit the slopes on shrooms one fateful morning. Long story short, his arm is shattered in 3 places.
He soon learned that one benefit of staying indoors is that can wear shorts and have his southern cross tatt proudly on display. How else would the local girls know there is an Australian drinking at a Whistler ski resort?
The rest of his holiday is spent partying away his limited funds and chanting with a fellow group of Aussies who are prouder of their country than it is of them.
Unfortunately, drinks ain't cheap on the mountain. Tobz knew he had to take drastic action, so he slapped on some clothes, wore a ski mask and in an act of oxygen banditry he tried to rob the local general store. It would’ve been the perfect crime too if he hadn’t picked a shirt with his name tag still attached.
Tobz is now banned from the country for making a Cuntnadian of himself, but at least he has that FB cover photo. Next victim: Japan.
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