A Guide to Perthnow Commenters

1. Terry Tough Cunt

Terry is the toughest motherfucker behind a keyboard and pops up on articles regarding violent crime. That home invading crackhead better not choose Terry's dwelling next, or he will batter them so badly his wife will to ask to speak to the manager of the fish and chip shop.

He delights in dreaming up twisted vengeance methods, "lets just say I'd hook his cock  up to me Hills Hoist, attach me car battery and play ring around the raw-dicksie".

No penalty is ever tough enough for him either. Be it a burglary, rape or kicking a Quokka, the penalty is as stated above with that Hills Hoist weirdness.

2. The Expert 

No matter what subject, the expert reckons a bunch of highly specific shit about it. Generally, they pop up in regards to animal behaviour, responses to natural disasters and Government policy.

If you are lucky, the expert has at least plagiarised the first Google search they've come across, if you are unlucky then that reckoning has spewed directly out of their ever-open valve of shit.  Typically, they have achieved less in life than the sperm that thought it fertilised a piece of corn inside a pornstar's arse.

3. Mr Anti-Halal 

If he was a super hero, his power would be relating ANYTHING to "Islams", Halal certification and burqas. He also believes he has a PhD in Islam and loves spreading his thesis to anyone who will listen. Like seeing a pig's head at a Reclaim Australia rally, you aren't surprised but you do shake your head in a sort of disbelief.

Sometime you are genuinely impressed at the obscurity of the connection. "Oi SO them cunts can take me Commy for speeedin ubt Islams can wear towells on there HEADS in the bank ha ha h pissweak countries gon o the dogs"

4. Mrs Someone Think About the Children 

If offence culture had a face, it would be a suburban mum trying to start up a petition in a comment section to ban the sexualisation of toddler shoes with slightly raised heels on them.

You can pick this commenter out a mile away as she normally has better spelling from her mummy blogging (not always though). More importantly, she is the one that usually makes you want to punch a hole through your screen the most.

5. The FIFO

Everything is fuck all mate. From your working conditions to the current weather, this cunt has had it harder than nailing a head shot on Jaws in Goldeneye 64. Problem is every he says is as reliable as piss test after the 2006 Eagles premiership win.

For someone so battle-weathered he is mighty sensitive and will instantly call you jealous of his repossessed assets and 2 week coward punching benders. Oh, and don't mention 457, the combination that unlocks No.6 on our list.

6. The Caps Lock Crusader 

Mr Caps Lock can come in many forms. However, the best Caps Lock Crusaders know that the unadulterated caps lockery is essential to hammer home the ever important point you are trying to make.

"oi Jetstar i BOOKED my ticket 2 WEEKS ago and yous still haven't sent out an itinerary, NOT HAPPY!!!!"

Note how you wouldn't have understood the sentiment unless it was punctuated like a type-writer with tourettes?