The Human Zoo - Mr Imported Car Enthusiast


Ask any deadshit. Any real deadshit. It don't matter if you crash by an inch or a mile. Crashing’s, crashing.

Krys always knew he was going to make an impact on the import scene when he took out a $3k loan to purchase a 1990 s13 Nissan Silvia - complete with green P plates. It gets sooo many Instagram likes brah.

Much like a bogan on a Bali honeymoon, he wanted his bargain basement model to be decked out with the finest knock-offs money could buy.

To indulge his Lewis Cuntilton fantasy, he needed some racing bride seats for his car. His first port of call was low balling car enthusiasts on FB buy & sell pages:

“Ay bruz, saw ya add… not payin 4hunge but… can get one from china 4 like $150 ay… swap ya a half Oz for it ai? Also… give ya a point for that exhaust… good shit, keep ya up for a week ai”

Jesus, the only offer less appealing, is the spit soaked fingers of a windscreen washer gesturing towards his braided slurry for a quick double digiting behind both types of bushes.

Within months, Krys’ Silvia had more Chinese parts than you’d find under a Beijing serial killer’s floor boards. But hey, it LOOKED fast. He knew it was his time to graduate from sheep to wolf and he organised his own car cruise.

He posts an event on Facebook, “The Second Paul Walker Memorial Cruise”. An open invite to the sort of shit-eating fuck-eels that revere Paul as not only the greatest actor of all time but as some sort of drift-God.

Within minutes, a 16 year old posts in the event, “O.M.G, im dying! PW saved my life! Literally will suck someone off if they take me with them!”

Seeing as Krys is on a longer drought than a dick-cheese fanatic with a lactose intolerance girlfriend, he takes the jail-bait. “I’ll pick you up babe… riding in a rare JDM, so no teeth ;)”.

On the night of the cruise, Krys takes pole-smoking position and leads the attendees to Myaree for a spot of bubble tea. Seeing as his passenger is dressed like the love her father never gave her, Krys is quick to become toey and showy.

He chooses to reenact his favourite Fast & the Furious scene, he turns his head and stares deeply into his passengers eyes as he drives blind down Leach Highway. Within seconds he feels himself veer so he has a gander at the road and realises he's about to run a redder.

He slams on his brakes, but having scrimped on maintenance his plates are looser than Rolf Harris’ kwon after a year in prison. Well, he does manage to stop, not just himself, but the five rice burners behind him too. Absolute uninsured carnage.

Now that you won't be driving pal, you can have any brew that you want, as long as it’s a Cuntrona.