Mr Waleed Aly



Waleed awakens in his ivory tower and peruses a room full of suits. He ponders today’s garbs as he tries to pick the suit that screams, “most successful Gold Logie winner, Islamic TV personality and ethnic trailblazer on a prime time slot, of all fucking time”. Navy blue, bingo. 

His left hand is itching to pull down Australia’s dacks and give it a good self righteous spank on itsignorant arse. Without his 3 minute summaries of obvious issues, the nation would go down the gurgler. He knows this, he needs this.

Sadly for Waleed, it’s his day off. So he agrees to spend time with some work colleagues in a bar setting. He knows he is needed to keep things P.C while his colleagues are having an infi-hell of a time.

One of Waleed’s work colleagues approaches the bar and orders a double Jack & Coke. An ominous feeling of unease overcomes him as he looks to his left, and spots Waleed staring at him like a Velociraptor peering through the underbrush , “gone for a double mate? OK”.

Satisfied with the social judgment he cast, Waleed returns to the table to interrupt another colleague’s Tinder story, “hey, hey, boys, easy, I’m sure we can do without the details of her breast size, yeh?”.

Everyone at the table feels as nervous as a losing horse around a glueless trainer at a Melbourne Cup arts & crafts party. To appease Waleed, the camera guy proposes a toast to positive, Islamic role models, but in the process knocks over a glass.

Waleed ocularly scorns him like a Woolworths’ vegan would look at a man trying to redeem a coupon for caged eggs. Everyone knows whats coming. They are about to be monologue’d. Waleed leans forward and like the soap boxer he is, and lands a left hook:

“Alcohol, we all drink it, but do we need it?” Waleed smugly states as he proceeds to tell everyone alcohol can be harmful for the next 3 minutes. He finishes his no-shit-Sherlock sermon by making a special request:

“so to prevent you from harming yourselves and others how about we all try something right now,#giveyourkeystoWaleed, seriously guys, keys, now”.

No one dares disobey the Minister of Monologues, the Sultan of Shit-eating Summaries, the Lord of Lowest Common Denominator “News” Segments. Even the sober drivers will be taking an Uber home because if Waleed said it, it must be true.

With a pocket full of car keys, Waleed heads home. On his way he spots a “Fuck Off We’re Full” sticker on an SS Ute. Not on Waleed’s watch. He forces the Ute off the road, and when the driver regains consciousness, all he sees is Waleed's angelic head hovering over him.

“Mate, racism, we all hear it, but do we need it?#givethestickertoWaleed

4 Readers Comments:

  • Unknown says:
    April 24, 2017 at 12:51 AM

    Belle once again pure gold that was magnified by the harlious FB comments. I am currently inflicted by 30 day ban from the FB Gestapo so cannot add my own contribution to the weed harliarity....keep up the good work mate!

  • Anonymous says:
    April 24, 2017 at 2:37 AM

    Did this get pulled from facebook? The Bell Tower Times got Zucc'd.

  • Bpk Irpan says:
    September 5, 2017 at 6:51 PM

    Assalamualaikum wr wb. Saya Sangat berterimah kasih kepada KI RONGGO LAWE
    berkat semua bantuan yg diberikan saya sdh buka usaha dan memiliki
    beberapa Restoran ternama di Surabaya mengatakan ”Saya dulu seperti
    orang gila, bahkan hendak bunuh diri, usaha saya ditipu sahabat karib
    dan membawa lari semua uang saya. Saya pun harus menanggung hutang
    supplier dari usaha kontraktor yang dibawa lari teman saya. Kesana
    kemari minta bantuan gak ada yang nolong. Bahkan saya sudah keliling
    Indonesia untuk mendapatkan atau mencari pinjaman dan dana gaib, tapi
    untung di ujung keputus asa’an saya bertemu dgn KI RONGGO LAWE yang
    dikenalkan oleh adik ipar saya, akhirnya bliau menawarkan bantuan Dana
    Gaib tanpa tumbal/resiko diawal ataupun akhir dan dari golongan
    putih.setelah persyaratanya dilengkapi dan ritual selesai, MENGEJUTKAN
    !!!, saya mendapatkan dana gaib sebesar 700jt dihadapan saya.
    kalau mau seperti saya hubungi KI RONGGO LAWE Tlp/Sms : 0853-1403-1099
    solusi tepat salam sukses.PESUGIHAN DANA GAIB NYATA



    INILAH JENIS MACAM PESUGIHAN DAN BOCORAN TOGEL 2D 3D 4D 5D 6D.....


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  • Anonymous says:
    November 23, 2017 at 5:01 PM

    Jihad operates on many levels
    Wally operates on the most powerful level - mind control

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