Mr Waleed Aly



Waleed awakens in his ivory tower and peruses a room full of suits. He ponders today’s garbs as he tries to pick the suit that screams, “most successful Gold Logie winner, Islamic TV personality and ethnic trailblazer on a prime time slot, of all fucking time”. Navy blue, bingo. 

His left hand is itching to pull down Australia’s dacks and give it a good self righteous spank on itsignorant arse. Without his 3 minute summaries of obvious issues, the nation would go down the gurgler. He knows this, he needs this.

Sadly for Waleed, it’s his day off. So he agrees to spend time with some work colleagues in a bar setting. He knows he is needed to keep things P.C while his colleagues are having an infi-hell of a time.

One of Waleed’s work colleagues approaches the bar and orders a double Jack & Coke. An ominous feeling of unease overcomes him as he looks to his left, and spots Waleed staring at him like a Velociraptor peering through the underbrush , “gone for a double mate? OK”.

Satisfied with the social judgment he cast, Waleed returns to the table to interrupt another colleague’s Tinder story, “hey, hey, boys, easy, I’m sure we can do without the details of her breast size, yeh?”.

Everyone at the table feels as nervous as a losing horse around a glueless trainer at a Melbourne Cup arts & crafts party. To appease Waleed, the camera guy proposes a toast to positive, Islamic role models, but in the process knocks over a glass.

Waleed ocularly scorns him like a Woolworths’ vegan would look at a man trying to redeem a coupon for caged eggs. Everyone knows whats coming. They are about to be monologue’d. Waleed leans forward and like the soap boxer he is, and lands a left hook:

“Alcohol, we all drink it, but do we need it?” Waleed smugly states as he proceeds to tell everyone alcohol can be harmful for the next 3 minutes. He finishes his no-shit-Sherlock sermon by making a special request:

“so to prevent you from harming yourselves and others how about we all try something right now,#giveyourkeystoWaleed, seriously guys, keys, now”.

No one dares disobey the Minister of Monologues, the Sultan of Shit-eating Summaries, the Lord of Lowest Common Denominator “News” Segments. Even the sober drivers will be taking an Uber home because if Waleed said it, it must be true.

With a pocket full of car keys, Waleed heads home. On his way he spots a “Fuck Off We’re Full” sticker on an SS Ute. Not on Waleed’s watch. He forces the Ute off the road, and when the driver regains consciousness, all he sees is Waleed's angelic head hovering over him.

“Mate, racism, we all hear it, but do we need it?#givethestickertoWaleed

8 Readers Comments:

  • Archie Hyde says:
    April 24, 2017 at 12:51 AM

    Belle once again pure gold that was magnified by the harlious FB comments. I am currently inflicted by 30 day ban from the FB Gestapo so cannot add my own contribution to the weed harliarity....keep up the good work mate!

  • Anonymous says:
    April 24, 2017 at 2:37 AM

    Did this get pulled from facebook? The Bell Tower Times got Zucc'd.

  • ghada says:
    August 23, 2017 at 9:34 AM


    شركة نقل عفش
    اهم شركات مكافحة حشرات بالخبر كذلك معرض اهم شركة مكافحة حشرات بالدمام والخبر والجبيل والخبر والاحساء والقطيف كذلك شركة رش حشرات بالدمام ومكافحة الحشرات بالخبر
    شركة مكافحة حشرات بالدمام
    شركة تنظيف خزانات بجدة الجوهرة من افضل شركات تنظيف الخزانات بجدة حيث ان تنظيف خزانات بجدة يحتاج الى مهارة فى كيفية غسيل وتنظيف الخزانات الكبيرة والصغيرة بجدة على ايدى متخصصين فى تنظيف الخزانات بجدة
    شركة تنظيف خزانات بجدة
    شركة كشف تسربات المياه بالدمام
    شركة نقل عفش واثاث

  • ghada says:
    August 23, 2017 at 9:35 AM



    شركة نقل عفش بالرياض وجدة والدمام والخبر والجبيل اولقطيف والاحساء والرياض وجدة ومكة المدينة المنورة والخرج والطائف وخميس مشيط وبجدة افضل شركة نقل عفش بجدة نعرضها مجموعة الفا لنقل العفش بمكة والخرج والقصيم والطائف وتبوك وخميس مشيط ونجران وجيزان وبريدة والمدينة المنورة وينبع افضل شركات نقل الاثاث بالجبيل والطائف وخميس مشيط وبريدة وعنيزو وابها ونجران المدينة وينبع تبوك والقصيم الخرج حفر الباطن والظهران
    شركة نقل عفش بجدة
    شركة نقل عفش بالمدينة المنورة
    شركة نقل اثاث بالرياض
    شركة نقل عفش بالدمام

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    September 5, 2017 at 6:51 PM

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  • Anonymous says:
    November 23, 2017 at 5:01 PM

    Jihad operates on many levels
    Wally operates on the most powerful level - mind control

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